Can Past Trauma Cause This Reaction In Me?

[Summer Ava]

Hi, I am new. My name is Victoria.

I don't know what to say, how to begin. For 6 months I have been experiencing nightmares, insomnia, on high alert and on guard, can't concentrate on my job and have stopped working, constant racing thoughts, painful videos playing through my mind that make me feel I am dying inside, avoiding places and people that remind me of everything that happened, have a huge number of triggers that cause intense pain, uncomfortable being physically touched, feel contaminated, can't trust anyone, question everything and everyone, view the world now as horrible and dangerous, can't see myself having any future, no marriage, no children, no growing old - I can essentially only look 2 weeks forward, beyond that is nothing, the total unknown because anything could happen to me. I'm not interested in anything I used to enjoy, easily agitated and angry, my heartbeat races and I can't breathe when I explain to people openly and honestly what happened.

My main trauma is emotional, though. By accident I found out in January that my partner of 9 years was living a secret, double life. My entire world exploded and evaporated in an instance. It was as if a tsunami wiped out my entire life, my entire identity, my future. Everything I knew was false. The fake facade, "who he was" was an illusion. I'm not referring to an affair or simple relationship breakdown, the situation was multiplied +20 times in terms of the betrayal, pain, shock, confusion. I had been loving and living with a total stranger for almost a decade. The moment I knew he was a stranger, I felt he was going to stab me that night while I was in the bedroom, for finding out. That didn't happen, but I certainly experienced fear at the time, and total hopelessness and helplessness. I do have nightmares of him killing me, but this part isn't the main thing I'd consider as my trauma if it makes sense.

Because all this isn't actually physical trauma, is it possible any past traumas could have stirred up this severe response in me? Have experienced other trauma in my life, including:

• Emotional child abuse, extending into my teen and adult years.
• Being forced to walk on my broken leg because the school teacher didn't want to carry me. She could clearly see it was broken, my bone was sticking out horizontal, almost through my skin.
• On the second floor balcony in a building while below a bank robbery was happening followed by massive police shoot out, with bullets flying everywhere and bank robber being shot.
• Inappropriately touched by a stranger on a private area.
• Thought I was going to be raped and killed in my apartment, because as I walked out of the bathroom I saw a man on my 16th story balcony. The instance I saw his shadow, I locked myself in the bathroom and mentally prepared to be raped, I was terrified and shaking, and I accepted I was going to die. It turns out he had been on my balcony from being on the side of the building repairing something outside, not from breaking into my apartment.

Apart from the the emotional childhood abuse, the only thing that caused any PSTD-type symptoms in me was thinking the man on my apartment balcony was there to attack me. I had nightmares for quite a few months after, jumped out of bed at every sound, had to sleep with the light on, avoided having a shower when home alone (I still avoid this), positioned myself sleeping so I could always see the front door from the bed, listened with my ear at the door whenever I heard a man's voice in the building's hallway. I felt entirely unsafe. I don't live there now anymore. But this frightening event still didn't affect my life on such an intense level as what I'm dealing with now.

I am trying to make sense about what's happening to my mind because I'm finding it difficult to cope. I am seeing a psychologist, she isn't a trauma specialist, but she said my trauma from the current event is affecting me on quite a high level and I should perhaps try exposure therapy. But I have no diagnosis or anything about what's wrong with me and I feel like I need some type of name to give this, to help me understand and explain it.

I am curious about this link with past trauma possibly provoking PTSD from new trauma? If anyone can provide or direct me to any information about this, I would forever be grateful.

Thank you and I am sorry if this is too detailed.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I am so sorry. I read that people with trauma have fault lines and that new traumas or stessors will cause major earthquake damage. How much experience does your therapist have with trauma? It sounds like you could use someone who really understands trauma. Again, so very sorry you ar going though all this.