I think it is worth entertaining the option that you guys do not have what it takes to be in a PTSD relationship together. I think about that often. Maybe my SO needs to be with someone who is able to not take things so personally, maybe he needs to be with someone who can back down and not engage when he is escalating or triggered.....because I can't always be those things. Maybe I need to be with someone who is more consistent and more able to show affection, because that is what makes me feel "love". I don't think that this is through a fault of either of you or of me and my SO, but at least just consider the idea that sometimes staying can do more harm than good in some instances. (This is something I have been trying to work out in my own relationship, so I thought it was a perspective worth sharing.)
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Relationship Can This Be Saved? Trust Has Been Broken.
- Post starter Hojay
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- #14
Man, don't I know it. It's just hard when you're in the middle of it. Hard is an understatement. I know you will get through this, I will too, no matter how this goes. Heartbreak, with or without PTSD, is just no joke...
Yeah, I do think about that often too. And then I think, "having what it takes" is a bit limited (and leaves room for self-blame...) For me it's easier to think that under certain established parameters I would absolutely be up for the ride, but as I am not his mother, nor his therapist, I shouldn't "have what it takes" to be in a relationship wherein my feelings are invalidated under the guise of PTSD. I don't think any healthy person would put up with that. In the end then, it's about whether or not THEY are willing and able to learn and go along with our needs, just as they ask us to go along with theirs. Make it a two-way street...If they are not...they don't have what it takes.
Agreed that staying can do more harm than good sometimes. Definitely a matter for the two of us to figure out. That's where we're at...
grimalkin
Gold Member
Yup. That may be the hardest part, right there. Which is why I'm letting him go. The things I post here, are things I can't tell him, or say to him, because it won't help him. As soon as I realized what we were dealing with, and how PTSD is different (and complex PTSD even more so) from any other mental illness, and did my research, I stopped. I gave him his space. It was a complete shift of gears from what we had before, where he *wanted* us to be able to talk about our problems. I knew he had "issues," and I tried to let him take the lead on what he could do and handle. So I believed him not only when he said he has problems (though never called it anything other than a "bad childhood"), but I ALSO believed him when he said HE could deal with it.
That's why it's so hard, and jarring, to go from "We got this and if we don't, we'll do what it takes to figure it out" (from him) to "Nope. I'm done. I don't WANT to deal with this anymore, I never have wanted to deal with this, I stopped myself from running SO MANY TIMES already and I don't want to fight it anymore. And no, I don't want to get help, either." All in the span of three weeks, after a stress bucket dumped itself into an already drowned stress cup. So to me, and our marriage counselor (who kind of specializes in relationships and people with trauma), and my therapist, and the family that he still talks to, it's so much a result of PTSD.
It's jarring to go from being told he's already MADE the decision to do what it takes to heal, to hearing "Nope. Not going to, don't want to. I just want you to go away." And that's the problem. He's an adult, and ultimately, he has to own up to it, too. I thought he already had. But some "normal" rules of relationships still have to apply. Lying is still lying, even if it's to yourself, too.
Both people have to have what it takes, you're definitely right @tiredtexan
Yeah "have what it takes" was a poor choice of words on my part, I apologize.
The back and forth contradiction of words is like a story out of my book! That to me is the hardest part to get over or get out of my mind. I understand it's a hyjack of the mind, but for someone without this illness, it's hard to grasp what/why/how someone could say what they do! It tears me up trying to figure it out and there's not a whole lot of information out there for that besides hearing both sides from these forums, which I'm greatly appreciative!!
TheMinsterman
Gold Member
It's a tricky one that is for sure, just adds further complication to the already complicated PTSD sandwich. Everybody's situation is of course not the same, mine is complicated in different ways but I see so many supporters with such complex situations with so much nuance, which makes it very difficult to give advice some times.
Deciding if you can keep doing it is also a deeply personal choice, I found it has helped that I have written up "my boundaries" to myself, right now me and my "sufferer" are not together, but things are very complicated and she doesn't really know how she feels. I have, however, written my boundaries still because if we discussed getting back together, they are what I will be basing my conditions on, if they are not agreeable, we simply won't get back together.
It may help to do the same, establish what your boundaries are, in writing, give them a chance to adapt to them at first if you want, but then stick to them and do not bend.
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- #19
No need to apologize at all. It's just that the phrase has gone through my mind too and I've thought a lot about the connotations of it, and how it feels. But for all we're talking about, it makes sense as a way to put it :)
I've been thinking the same thing. At this point he would have to gain my trust as a friend before I could consider a romantic relationship with him. I want to have my conditions for that ready this time around so that I don't find myself in another hurtful situation waiting to happen.
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TheMinsterman
Gold Member
It's the best way to do it, I know I still love her, she may not know what she wants or feels right now but if I still felt that way and she wanted to discuss maybe working things out, it'd have to be based on boundaries, because like you say I'm not interested in repeating mistakes and getting hurt.
grimalkin
Gold Member
My boundaries have to come because we're stuck in the same house right now, until we can go our separate ways. It's...difficult, to say the least. He needs to run so badly, and financially it just isn't happening yet, because, hello, didn't plan on this. He's made it very clear he is very done. He's heading down the "I hate her" path right now, and boy does that hurt. And suck, just from a practical standpoint.
Even just talking about finances puts him in fight, then flight mode, which makes it almost impossible to deal with the "business" end of ending a marriage. Today, my vilification came in the form of I never "let" him have control of the finances (a decision we made together, years ago, and reaffirmed throughout, that I handled finances and bills). I have all the bills in either my name or our names, depending on the requirements of the company...and I'm not sure why that is bad, but in his mind it is. They're in my name because, hey, I made the phone calls to establish our utilities.
But, I managed to actually stick up for myself and told him not to make it wrong retroactively, because it was our decision (and, really, mostly his) to do finances this way.
I hope others have an easier time of it than I am. Oy. I'd love to go dancing. Maybe a drink or three. :)
Even just talking about finances puts him in fight, then flight mode, which makes it almost impossible to deal with the "business" end of ending a marriage. Today, my vilification came in the form of I never "let" him have control of the finances (a decision we made together, years ago, and reaffirmed throughout, that I handled finances and bills). I have all the bills in either my name or our names, depending on the requirements of the company...and I'm not sure why that is bad, but in his mind it is. They're in my name because, hey, I made the phone calls to establish our utilities.
But, I managed to actually stick up for myself and told him not to make it wrong retroactively, because it was our decision (and, really, mostly his) to do finances this way.
I hope others have an easier time of it than I am. Oy. I'd love to go dancing. Maybe a drink or three. :)
TheMinsterman
Gold Member
That is the hard part @grimalkin, sometimes discussion just HAVE to happen, whether they can deal with them right then and there or not and it can cause more withdrawal and conflict. Sort of happened to me today, she HAD to speak to me about what happened last night, it lead into others things, but the conversations are long overdue and it's like... I know it's hard, it may make you hate me for a bit but you can't avoid them all.
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