Relationship Can This Be Saved? Trust Has Been Broken.

[Mon15]

My boundaries have to come because we're stuck in the same house right now, until we can go our separ...

Oh yeah, while I'm out of town for work, I go to the restaurant bar put a few back! Makes it much easier to crash out and start all over again!!! I'd be in for it if we were all in the same area!

 

[Hojay]

I hope others have an easier time of it than I am. Oy. I'd love to go dancing. Maybe a drink or three.

So up for that...if I could, I'd be pounding them back right now.

Your situation sounds close to unbearable, @grimalkin. It also sounds like he is severely triggered - even though he may not see it that way, it doesn't sound like he's in his right mind. Is there any chance the two of you could agree to temporarily physically separate, give you the room to breathe and recollect, and give him the space he may need to come back to his senses? In either case, even if he is "done," breathing room might make important conversations a little easier. I don't know if it's possible, but just a thought?

 

[Hojay]

sometimes discussion just HAVE to happen, whether they can deal with them right then and there or not and it can cause more withdrawal and conflict.

I'm a bit on the fence with this one. I'm learning the hard way that normal rules do not apply here. Even though, yes, some conversations HAVE to happen theoretically, we're not dealing with mentally stable/sound (temporarily?) people, and forcing conversations on them (or engaging in them when they are triggered) is a bit like forcing a person with broken legs to dance. Not impossible, but incredibly damaging and it won't be a productive dance.

I guess it's either having the patience to wait, or separating emotionally to understand that what we need just isn't available (now, or in some cases, ever.)

 

[TheMinsterman]

I'm a bit on the fence with this one. I'm learning the hard way that normal rules do not apply here. Even...

Yes and no, but sometimes discussions just have to happen even if it's not ideal for either party, there's of course a difference between forcing somebody to be uncomfortable and simply being polite to get the situation sorted or the answer required. If the alternative is to just put everything off indefinitely it just make things harder in the long run, of course pointless, petty needless conversations are not worth placing stress on somebody about, but sometimes basic functional ones simply must happen i.e. paying bills.

 

[Hojay]

but sometimes basic functional ones simply must happen i.e. paying bills

Oh, I think I misunderstood. Of course, talks about bills must eventually happen. Anything logistic and that can only be solved by exchanging information. I thought you meant conversations trying to get feelings sorted, closure, support, love, kindness, explanations, conflict resolution, you know, any conversation that would HAVE to happen in a normal relationship...ugh...I can't even listen to myself right now.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Oh, I think I misunderstood. Of course, talks about bills must eventually happen. Anything logistic and t...

You're right, those conversations SHOULD happen, it's really difficult waiting for something that may just never come, or inevitably comes too late unfortunately.

Don't feel bad, it's normal that you want to have these conversations, so did I (still do, just resigned to not having them), it is so hard making decisions without knowing the facts.

 

[grimalkin]

I WISH I could get out of here, or he could. We seem to have come to some sort of...well, definitely not good, but at least tolerable, compromise - I try to have the hard conversations about finances when I'm at work (we talk better online), so he is alone and can process. Right now any reminder that he can't just up and leave sets him off even more, whether it comes from me or not (even his sister trying to point out we're still married, still living together, can't just run off sets it off).

So, with separate bedrooms, separate offices, and my willingness to get out of the house for work and anything else I can, we're making do. Feels awful, because I don't WANT to hurt him more. But I'm just not in a place I can do anything about it.

Our lease is through March, and my mom is coming to visit at the end of this month; we'll be house hunting, so I'll have a place to go as soon as legally feasible.

And in a miracle of miracles, we just had a civil conversation about finances that didn't trigger him. He's reassured I'm not running away (yeah because that was the issue), I'm reassured he's not. We made tentative plans for getting the place ready for our move out.

Right now, I think part of him is glad all the bills are in my name because they'll still get taken care of, even if the loss of control is an issue all of a sudden.

I have given up on emotional talks. I will not have closure any time soon from him. Any closure I receive will have to be what I can do on my own, and the knowledge that, no, it's not all me. Ironically, we can still run errands together when he's not triggered. We are good friends, if nothing else, so it's up to me to protect myself and make sure I don't read anything more into it, which is getting easier every day.

And the most amusing part (if there is one here) in all this - his kids and sister thinks this is all "amicable." Like we made this mutual, rational decision. I am sure his sister sees through it (she's a nurse, works in an environment she sees PTSD on a daily basis), but still.

 

[TheMinsterman]

You're right @grimalkin, closure really is something we have to create for ourselves unfortunately, there's no telling when you'll be offered anything by them or when they'll be in a position to offer something with clarity. That is what I have learned quite rapidly, when my sufferer had a window of calm and clarity she was able to explain things a little better but due to the external issues crippling our communication we never really got as deep as required.

I feel the same when it comes to not reading into things any more, protecting oneself from thinking the "old times" are returning because I've rapidly learned they aren't, sad as that is.

Odd thing is... similar to you, she hasn't even told people we've broken up, she's still very confused and not sure how she feels, only my best friend really knows the pure insanity of the past couple of months (on both our parts).

It's all so bloody confusing.

 

[Hojay]

closure really is something we have to create for ourselves unfortunately, there's no telling when you'll be offered anything by them or when they'll be in a position to offer something with clarity.

So true, and unfortunately, something that happens in non-PTSD relationships as well. I just remembered this article I read a long time ago, when I was going through a similar situation of non-closure, evasion, and basically having been hung out to dry with no warning. It's alarmingly simple, yet hits right home. I'll leave it right here: Getting Closure On Closure: We Cannot Always Get ALL Of The Answers

 

[TheMinsterman]

So true, and unfortunately, something that happens in non-PTSD relationships as well. I just remembered t...

Good article, I admit it's especially hard for me as somebody whose personality likes clarity and order, suspense and surprise are not my ideas of fun, something happening that is bad and getting no explanation really does mess with my equilibrium and leaves me scrambling about frantically, that is when the OCD kicks into over drive too.

In a perverse way I'd rather know everything I did wrong or is wrong with me so I can rectify it in the future, even if it's not going to benefit the person who shared it.

 

[Hojay]

In a perverse way I'd rather know everything I did wrong or is wrong with me so I can rectify it in the future, even if it's not going to benefit the person who shared it.

I am EXACTLY the same way. Where other would have let go a while ago, I'm still here scratching my head, trying to figure out where I effed up. But I think that's the crux of the matter of why closure is more important to some of us: the tendency to take responsibility for other people's stuff, thus essentially absorbing the blame for the failure of the relationship, while letting the other off the hook. It creates a scenario where others bounce and we need the certainty that we're either not to blame at all or totally responsible (so please tell me everything I did wrong!) Sadly, realistically, it's neither one, and we have to move on.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I am EXACTLY the same way. Where other would have let go a while ago, I'm still here scratching my head,...

The bit that resonated with me the most was we keep seeking closure because deep down, we don't actually want closure. We don't want to accept its over, we don't want to let go, we still have some slim hope that perhaps it can be fixed, when perhaps it never can be.