Can Trauma Be Complicated By Home Situation

[redfox]

I am an angry person in general (though it's gotten better) but I don't feel specifically mad at him any more than the rest of the family. Sometimes I feel angry that he kicked me out because it made life even more difficult for me but I don't really feel angry about anything he did to me. Maybe he used excessive force but when he did hurt me it was usually because of something I did wrong. The time he broke my arm was because I broke a bunch of his things, some which were important to him. I really should have known better than that.

I honestly can't imagine my own father dying. He kind of seems immortal. He is just so stubborn and plows his way through life. Sometimes I wish he would die though. I know that is terrible especially because I have basically no contact with him so why do I care. Every once in a while though he will call me on a holiday but it quickly turns into him telling me everything that's wrong with me and how I am a shame to the family blah blah blah. Like I haven't heard that a million times. Last time he called we got into an argument and he said I should have died at birth (there were complications when me and my sister were born) and hung up on me. He said that to me sometimes as a kid too but he usually waited to pull out that one. I guess those calls do piss me off so that is something I am angry about.

 

[The Albatross]

My dad was at a playground where he had a childhood friend bit an explosive cap that someone buried/hid in a playground sandbox. They had found a box of caps and the kid and blew half his face off. I am full of excuses for why my dad did what he did to us. No matter. It's over and he's dead. He can't hurt me anymore. He did apologize when I was in my mid to late thirties. He was sincere. He came up hard, was less hard in his view on me. That was the best he could do. I'm okay with that. I try to be okay with that.

 

[redfox]

I know my father had a bad childhood also, in fact he would tell us about it when we were acting up or when he hurt us to show us it was not that bad. His mother died when he was young and he had to raise his siblings. His father was an alcoholic and beat him. So I think if I was him, and my kids acted up, what would I do? Well I'd hit them. It's hard to blame him he was just trying to keep us in line the best way he knew how.

 

[seedling]

I think if my dad had told me he wished I had died at birth and was the shame of the family I would break a bunch of his stuff too. Especially the important things :)

Anyway, that said, I'm glad you can feel some of that anger. It gives you a starting point to untangle the emotions underneath.

If my child broke my things I would start by examining what lead up to it. If it was my own out-of-control behavior I would be ashamed of myself and try to change. My child shouldn't be so stressed and provoked by my crap that it leads to that kind of behavior. Sometimes though, it's easier to put the shame on the child instead of bear it yourself.

Are you starting to feel like you're having a whole therapy session on this thread? You are so good at sharing and examining all of this - you will go far.

 

[The Albatross]

I had to come to a point, while ago now, where I acknowledged that they (my parents) did the best they could with what they'd gotten. Independent of their interactions with each other that is. My father was successful at our interpreting the message that he was hard but fair. Not so fair in my case, but there were some skills that he was able to "hammer" home that have served me well. I have learned to accept the love that he could give, along with the pain and abuse... and choose consciously to accept that he did the best he could. I hope that can serve you too, it seems to fit. (((Hang tough Redfox, be glad to share honestly with you as I am able)))

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. It wasn't really fair, it was his way. His way to instill what he thought we needed to be viable and independent. It hurt, but I understand why he did what he did with the exception of how he treated our mother.

 

[seedling]

redfox,

I am in quandary in my situation with the idea of blame. I can see why the people who caused my trauma acted the way they did. I feel ashamed to blame anyone for it. I can see that the way they cope with it is to see it as an accident when it wasn't. They don't seem to have truly borne the guilt of what happened.

Maybe it's more of a thing of letting them be responsible for it. Maybe that's a better word than blame. My T asked me once to make a list of what they were responsible for. That made me really look at the reality of what they caused. They were responsible for the actions that led up to the trauma - I couldn't deny or minimize that like I could when I thought about blaming them for it.

So - as your father - what was your dad responsible for in raising you. Maybe that's a better way of looking at it. If you have any insight I'd appreciate hearing it, I am still confused on the point of blame as opposed to responsibility.

 

[redfox]

Well.. I think he was responsible for managing the family and making sure we were all provided for and he did that. I am not sure what else a parent is really responsible for.. I mean in evolutionary terms that is what a parent is for. And he did that just fine.

 

[redfox]

I just talked to my sister on the phone and she was telling me how the family was doing (some of them talk to her, but they don't talk to me.) They are fine as usual. I asked her what she thought about how our father treated us growing up. She said she didn't know but she thought he was harder on me. I told her I was going to therapy but I didn't tell her about the PTSD diagnosis. She said she thought that was good if it would help me. I wish I could talk to her about it more but I don't know how to exactly. After that I changed the subject.

 

[The Albatross]

It's a start and a risk. You took it. No matter what. Good for you Redfox.

 

[redfox]

Well I dreamed about my father again, this time he was strangling me. Sorry if I am posting too much in this thread but I feel kind of out of control like I have to post these things because where else will they go. Believe me this is not like me. I would never say a word of this to anyone out loud. But somehow it's different here. I do sometimes dream that my father is strangling or drowning me but it seems more often now. It gets all tied up and confused with the things about the trauma. And I hate that word, to keep calling it "the trauma" sounds so dumb but what else do I call it without calling it what it is. Argh. Not having a good day so far.

 

[The Albatross]

Be kind to yourself, glad you're finding a voice here. I had to get to a place where I experience the dreams and memory fragments by considering it a "starting point". I deal with the nightmares by making a decision that just because I start my day in the basement, I don't have to stay there. (((hope you have a much much better day redfox)))