Childhood Can you block things off into different spaces

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry it is so hard right now @oakleaves. It's a really unsettling and all consuming place to be with these worries and thoughts.
It will get better.

You are believed here.
If you read other people's threads and diaries, you'll read, over and over again, everyone righting similar things. The whole "we are making it up. We're misremembering. It is our fault. We made them do it. How terrible are we. This is too scary. Etc etc etc"
But it does get better.

Why would you misremeber?
Why would you be struggling if it wasn't true?
Why would you make it up?

You wouldn't.

Learning to trust yourself.
No one will question your integrity.
Trauma memories are fragmented because they are trauma.

I hope some of these words can sink in and you can start to feel it..

 

[oakleaves]

I'm sorry it is so hard right now @oakleaves. It's a really unsettling and all consuming place to be with these worries and thoughts.
It will get better.

I hope some of these words can sink in and you can start to feel it..

Thank you for listening. It just feels like a big mess and I wouldn't blame my therapist for not believing me but I need them to and I need to be told I am believed so thank you. I just don't know if it makes sense like why would both those things happen. Although I think the second thing happened because of the first. I just needed to acknowledge it for the part of me that it happened to and then I hope I can set it aside. I am confused by myself. Thank you for listening.

 

[Movingforward10]

Totally understandable.
I hope you feel some relief when you decide to tell your T and they show you they believe you.

 

[Mach123]

Thank you for these responses they are really helpful. @Movingforward10 @Survivor3 so I think that is what my therapist said when I said I have memories that are different that I boxed off and that feeling of knowing something but also not knowing it not letting yourself know it even though you do know it. That it is about feeling safe enough. I sort of feel a pressure to share like it has to be now. Not from my therapist but from within myself. The thing is that with other things I remember deciding to box it off and not think about it but with this thing I more remember others responses and that it just isn't talked about so I just didn't. I don't quite get how I can talk about this family member in detail but not be even bothered by this memory until recently because it felt like it happened to a different person but now it makes me feel so horrible and uncomfortable and scared. It feels worse than the other stuff I have been working on before. I talked about my dad being violent and processed memories about that but not this. I don't feel like it can be real.

@grief that description does make sense and I do have cptsd more because of being avoidant and shut down rather than other things. I feel like I have been getting back in contact with parts of myself.

@Starfire yes that analogy feels like it it is like I have trusted my therapist and gone with the process to a point that now I am at this and I feel terrified. It feels so much worse. I don't think my therapist does suspect because of who it was and that I have talked about them in therapy before but not this. The idea of undermining my therapists trust in me feels awful.

I have this exactly. I know but I sort of don’t. That’s what I had anyway all my life. I am an incest survivor as well. These are repressed memories. Then I have more that I really don’t remember at all but there are things I do that point to them. Worrying about what you’ll hear back if you manage to say anything is critical. If the other person or therapist is dismissive then you get “see it didn’t really happen” or “It was nothing”.

This is defining. The inner voice and trying to speak. I still feel the dichotomy. I want to congratulate you and say this is a cause for celebration because you survived . But the other voice says shhhh.

I just read your more recent posts and it’s really hard remembering. It gets easier . I was very much like what you are describing with the therapist. It’s a process. You are doing so well. I’m happy and sad . I know how hard it is .

 

[oakleaves]

Thank you both. I did see my therapist the other day and they did seem to believe me. I did say that I didn't know if they would.
I did feel relieved to have shared it. I am terrified so terrified but also relieved.
I hate that this still has a hold over me. I hate that it takes me attention and I hate that it makes me so horribly anxious. But I did share and I hope part of me feels listened to.

 

[oakleaves]

This is on my mind again because I did tell my old T this and they did say they believed me but they also did say they were surprised because I hadn't given any indication of this. I appreciated the honesty but they also feel to me as though they didn't believe me or were doing the thing where they go with your experience but in themself they doubt it. I have withdrawn from this therapist since. There is a cost and distance issue anyway which are real barriers. So it has been months and I am working more on other stuff at the moment. But I just feel so confused and I shouldn't care so much what they think but it is such a fundamental thing that of course I do. Anyway I know they were surprised but at least they were honest. They asked me to consider what if they did believe me and I could accept that they did what would that mean and would that have a downside. I thought that was an interesting question.