I googled “pathological independence PTSD self help.” Figured I would just solve it on my own. ha. ;) sigh.
But on a serious note, I have really found this thread so helpful. You all have given me courage to keep looking at this really big issue in my life. I am afraid my response might be a little long.
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Hope4Now I'm sorry you struggle with this too. I can very much relate to what you have posted as well. As a child, my mother says I was “overly sensitive” and would "read" everyone's emotions... I still do it to this day, to the degree that someone can walk into a room and I will say, "You seem tense, want to talk?" I will be sensing they are angry, fearing that is my fault (sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't) the person walking into the room will verify they are mad... and everyone else will respond, "how did you know they were mad?" It seems obvious to me. And it’s a “skill” I developed out of a sense of having no boundary to myself, or no real self at all. To survive abuse, I had to read and anticipate everyone else’s emotions.
For me, it meant more than just reading emotions really well, but sometimes taking them on. If a family member was sad but not crying, I would struggle to hold back my own tears. My therapist now says I acted out the family pain that was rarely expressed except through abuse.
As an adult, I am in the process of learning to reclaim my own boundary to me, and not take on everyone else’s emotions… while not losing what is the healthy part of being very empathetic.
I used to have endless daydreams about being invisible as a kid. In the sixth grade, I remember never wanting to raise my hand in class, because I literally did not want to disturb the physical air molecules above my head. I was fearful that I existed in the most fundamental way.
The odd thing is that as an adult, I have shifted, but only outwardly, and only occasionally. Sometimes, I'm no longer the shy kid, but the bold adult. Now and then, people say I have confidence and tenacity – things I never ever actually feel. They say I speak with authority, and when I have myself pulled together, I can negotiate treacherous waters. I have the ability to speak my mind before high level officials as an advocate and mentor for kids in foster care. But, inside, just like when I was a kid, I am terrified I even exist. It’s like when I am brave enough to take up space, I instantly put up all my defenses too. I am so terrified people will get mad at me, I feel like I am always preemptively making sure they don’t have anything to be mad about or anything they can take away from me. People say they are so glad for my resiliency, and it is now getting to the point, people are getting mad I do it all alone…
Asking for help, depending on someone else, admitting I can’t do this, just even imagining it… sends me into a panic. I am me. I take up space. I have needs and they have not always been met. I can't quite face the depth of loss in that reality. I am scared because asking for help feels like I am saying, “here is how you can hurt me right now…”
I had friends help me move, and it nearly undid me. After they so graciously helped me, I have found it so difficult to connect with them again. I was talking with a friend who found it really easy to ask people for help moving herself, and I asked her what it was like. She seemed baffled by my question… but attempted to explain. Her response was pretty simple, “I just hate doing it, and it goes by so much quicker when I don’t have to do it alone. It’s so much more fun.” She also told me that she really enjoyed helping me and the time we spend together packing up my stuff.
Sometimes (All of the time?) I find it very hard to be close to anyone, even when it is what I really want. It provokes all kinds of fear and needs, and it takes all I have to manage all of it and not drive people nuts. I find it hard to really take in compliments, or even comments like my friend made, that she ENJOYED helping me.
I want everything to be ok, to be happy, and to have it in my control… But I also don’t want to live this way anymore. It was so dangerous in the past to be vulnerable and have needs, but it’s not dangerous anymore. People might not always be there, but that’s ok too.
I've had similar issues with authority figures, asking for help and being vulnerable. One of the things that helped me was to think of asking for help as an empowering act. When I ask for the help I want and need, that actually *gives* me power and control (by enabling me to do the things I want or need to do). If I don't ask for the help I want and need, help may be imposed on me and it may not actually be helpful to me or I may just never receive the help that I need. Asking for help from others is empowering myself, it's taking care of myself, it is exercising control, it's being proactive, and maybe all of those things actually make me less vulnerable than not asking.
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ill I love what you have written here! So well said, and your words have stuck with me this morning. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
