Sufferer Canadian Police Officer With Ptsd - Some Questions...

[3boos]

Okay. 29 years with two services, lots of serious investigations that may or may not have been part of it, but I had a very serious car accident throughout which I was concious and thought I was going to die. My thoughts during the crash were of my wife and three year old girl, thinking I would never see them again. Thankfully the physical injuries were fairly minor but after about a week the depression hit. I knew something was really wrong with my mind and I sought help from EAP...useless. After about a month on lorazepam and various pain and sleeping meds I researched and found an excellent psychologist. I was diagnosed with PTSD and he steered me on the correct med path. The claim was accepted with no issues by WSIB. They supported me 100% at the beginning, paying for physio, psychological counselling etc. One of the (many) issues that I have that is still not resolved is an extremely exagerrated startle response. I requested to go to CAMH to see if a psychiatrist would be able to offer a suggestion. Unfortunately the CAMH report said I was ready to return to work in a modified way. Since that report they have been trying to get me back to work, even though I know that I am not psychologically there yet. They are still covering my psychologist treatments but not any physio. I am appealing their decision that I return to work and I\m not sure how that will go. There is NO understanding of PTSD in policing. The Ombudsmen's Office is investigating PTSD and the OPP's response to it due to a complaint by Retired Det. Insp. Bruce KRUGER (a good resource). That will take some time I'm sure. I perfectly well understand your concerns about PTSD being a career killer, but untreated PTSD can be a real killer. The incidents of police suicide due to PTSD can easilly be researched on the web. I am speaking from a position of being able to retire in just over a year, so it's easy for me to say, but your health simply has to come first. WSIB accepts PTSD as a real condition. The Ontario Association of Chiefs of Police are trying to amend the law to state that police officers should expect to have psychological trauma and PTSD should not be covered. You will likely get no support from your department, but if you are properly diagnosed WSIB will cover you. I feel like I am ranting so I'll shut up now, unless you have any specific questions.
One last thing, with my employer, Long Term Disability is 2 years, WSIB covers you until 65.
Cheers
Michael

 

[J.Singarti]

I have been having tormenting and unrelenting thoughts of suicide by cop because of what the RCMP did to me. I guess that behind the gun and uniform they are still people too. Maybe getting to know RCMP members in a positive way could help me overcome these thoughts.

I hope you overcome your PTSD quickly Can Cop and 3boos.

 

[Can Cop]

3boos, thank you for taking the time to outline your situation and what you have been going through ever since. My department has gone through with a WSIB submission so we will see how that goes. As of now I am likely returning to work in a modified capacity to see how that goes.

J.Singarti, if you are having those kind of thoughts I would really urge you to speak to someone about it. When you say you are having unrelenting thoughts of suicide by cop, do you mean you personally are thinking of having an officer end your life?

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear Can Cop,

I just saw your thread and wanted to wish you well.

I remember reading several years back when I was actively struggling with suicidal pain, I had read about "suicide by cop". The piece I had unfortunately stumbled across had me wishing for a moment... the writer expressed something like, heck, if you find the best sharpshooter, maybe they'd put you out of your misery quickly and since they're trained in killing, it is ok. That kind of thinking made it seem a whole lot better than messing up an attempt and possibly having to live through the botched aftermath.

Well, I thought about it for a minute, and then discarded the idea - knowing that if I did something idiotic like that, I would most likely traumatize the officer, and there was no way I wanted to drag an innocent, wonderful, admired officer down into the pit of trauma. (plus, I'm not a very threatening type person :) ).

That kind of literature, and stupid encouragement, is out there, and can be very (attractive?) to someone who is desperate and doesn't know where to turn for help. Please know that your being a shooter in someone's suicide was not about you making a mistake. That person was hoping for your action to remove unbearable pain. They most likely had no clue how it would affect you, or were in too much pain to think it through. I wish this idea weren't floating around, suicide is too awful, but when innocent others are pulled into it - that multiplies the agony horribly.

My heart is with you, and I am hoping for peace and healing to come into your heart and spirit.
I respect you, very much, and send you (((hugs))) if you'll accept them...

Dear J. Singarti, your wishes for Can Cop and 3boos are wonderful!
My wishes for healing, comfort and relief from suicidal pain are with you!
I think you have a VERY good idea... of getting to know RCMP members in positive ways, good for you! I hope you can begin right away!
I'm glad you're turning away from the idea of death by cop! Good for you! I know how tempting it can be, and I am proud of you for shifting your thinking to healthier ground, nice work!
Have you found a good therapist yet to help you deal with the suicidal thinking? It's unbearably painful trying to do it on your own. There are a lot of places and people that you can tap into for comfort, help and healing! Your options aren't as limited as they feel, thinking just gets constricted and options aren't seen when we're in intense pain. Others can help you find your way out of the pain, (i.e. counselors, therapists, Victim Assistance centers, family physicians or clinic physicians who can refer you to prescribing psychiatrists for meds that can help, etc...)
Suicide really is not any kind of decent option. Reducing the pain and distress so you can cope and heal, is.

With warmest wishes to you all,
Deer

 

[Can Cop]

Deer, as an officer who has pulled the trigger and ended the life of a suicidal man, I can say with total agreement that it has a HUGE effect on the person who takes that life. I would strongly encourage you to seek whatever path it takes to clear your head of those thoughts. Perhaps by spending time with an officer like you suggested could make a huge difference in showing that we are all human beings. Best of luck to you...

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi ((((((((Can Cop)))))))))

That temptation was only with me briefly!
I quickly shoved that away, not wanting to bring horror upon anyone else! I especially didn't want someone else to take the responsibility to end my life.

I still struggle with suicidal thinking at times, but am in intensive therapy and have learned how to manage the suicidal thinking, It doesn't mean I don't hurt badly enough at times to wish I didn't feel the pain anymore, but through therapy I know suicide is no longer an option, and I have better coping skills to deal with the pain when it gets overwhelming.

I wish I could meet you, fling my arms around you, and somehow from my heart to yours apologize for the tremendous pain you are in from the person who "asked you" to end his life.

Sending love,
Deer

 

[Can Cop]

Those are such kind words, thank you so much. I lost my mother to suicide 4 years ago as well, so the whole aspect of suicide bears very heavily on my heart. I commend you for working through your hardships and not being selfish in the taking of your own life, as it effects everyone around you...even when you think you are not loved, you truly are.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear (((((((((Can Cop)))))))))))))

Your words go right to my heart, I am stunned and heart-touched.

I am so sorry you lost your Mother.
If I could tell you, from the heart and soul of a woman who knows the intensity of suicidal pain, I would say:
I know she knew you loved her, and I know she loved you, too, with all her heart and being.
That love never ends, even after death.

Suicidal pain is so cruel and speaks such lies: "I'm useless", "He would be better off without me", thoughts like that, that aren't true, yet deprive the person of hope. It doesn't remove the love, it just overshadows with intense pain.

I know I hoped that loved ones would understand that I loved them, that it wasn't that I didn't, at all.
I tried for a long time to hold on, but it became so intensely painful that I got to the point where I hoped that loved ones would forgive me.

I didn't know how to ask for help, I didn't want to be a burden. I had painful wounds that I felt I needed to protect everyone from, that I couldn't tell, that I couldn't express to family. I just hoped that they would forgive me, that they would know that I loved them. I hope I can tell you that from a woman's heart as a mother to her son.
I'm so sorry that you lost your Mother this way. I'm weeping for the both of you (and me too) over my keyboard.

Your words..."even when you think you are not loved, you truly are." are powerful, are sacred... and take my breath away...

Holding your words, sending you thoughts and prayers for comfort, healing, love, peace
((((((((((((Can Cop)))))))))))))

 

[Paragoddess]

Can Cop,

I have been a Paramedic for 18 years in the western half of the US. The service I work for currently is giving me a little grief about support. When I was first diagnosed by a general physician, administration called and told me that Workman's Compensation doesn't cover PTSD. Well, I had call the State office, and apparently, they ARE responsible for this.

I haven't worked since Oct 22. I have spent so many years in medicine that when this hit me, I was floored at the ability of the human mind to create flashbacks. Flashbacks of things I had long forgotten. I see every dead or dying patient. Triggers can be a slight as a ladies purse at the store, or a shoe in the road. These are LARGE images. With great detail, and painful memories. Sleep was minimal.

I finally saw a psychiatrist last Friday. Now I am on some medications that are helping my body relax and sleep. But I am dealing with some dizzy spells.

I read all your things here, and I found you a kindred spirit. You have seen the ridiculous things people do to each other and themselves. You have stored all the torment away. Did you know it would come back to visit in such a flood?

 

[SWAT]

Canadian Cop,
Just read this and I completely understand what you are going through. Especially the part about not being able to be open in regards to your situation. I am keeping positive thoughts for you my friend and am here if you wanna talk,

 

[becvan]

Hi Can Cop! I'm in Ontario. Although I'm not police-related, I do have PTSD and I'm on ODSP. I have freinds who have dealt with WSIB. It can get really ugly. My suggestion is to get a lawyer to help you navigate this mess. The red-tape you have to navigate can make normal people go mad with stress. Keep reading here and you'll learn a ton.

bec

 

[Redtail]

I repeat what SWAT says. I am also open to talking if you need it. Remember there is no shame in the disorder. No judging either. Just here for support and healing.