Hi Lela,
First, I'm sorry you had to live through that, but happy to hear you have some support, so that's a good step. I just wanted to write in because I can relate at this time in my life. The good news I've learned thanks to a forum like this is I'm not alone. The bad news is it sure can make you feel alone :/
I've been off work myself for almost four months, and for the first time in my life really focusing on getting treatment because I lost my last job due to memory problems, I couldn't keep up, and other things. (I also have sleep apnea and at the time my machine was done, have since got a new one, but the cognitive problems just got worse with flashbacks, etc...). I wanted to keep this job so bad - I was finally making enough money to not have to choose between food or electricity and starting to have a social life again.
I could have pushed to stay, but it was too much. The boss knew me and said I don't seem the same, and should get help. But, I probably would have left eventually because the gal training me made a crack about mental illness my second day there (they did not know), and was passive/aggressive towards me, so yea, screwed either way.
Anyways, I was mess. I didn't know how "stupid" I've become. I was a quick learner, pro-active and then I turned into someone who leaves the stove on. I ended up at a crisis center days later since I couldn't find help and taking off seemed like the only way out. I'm finally starting treatment next week, looks like meds too which I'm nervous about.
So all this to say I don't know if this may help, but these are the steps I've taken/am taking so far. And I have to stress even some of these things take a lot of effort. But like you like school, I like working, I'm anxious to find a new job and get on track but the med thing has me pushing it back. I hope maybe something in there may inspire you, I'm not one to say "do this or that", but when I read other people's methods, it can inspire me vs. perspire me to live up to those suggestions :/
1) First was going to the crisis center (for me), which was the hardest part - saying out loud I'm thinking of killing myself. I could barely get the words out, but the voice on the other line was so kind, and there to help. People always say help's out there, and it is - but like you, guilt took me over. I still feel guilty, but I try to breathe, tell myself "I can't control my past, maybe not my future, but I'm here NOW. Do not feel guilty for getting the help you need. The only people who should feel guilt are those that got you to this dark place, and be proud you're strong enough to know and get it done!"
2) I started seeing a counsellor there one a week until I could get an evaluation, and last week was my last visit since I"m starting treatment soon.
3) She advised me to do things to try and relax - the problem was I was overwhelmed with guilt for not working, on top of other symptoms, but she helped me get off the fence a bit. I took painting back up, and forgot how much that relaxes me, so it was a start.
4) I shoot/review shows so I pushed myself to go despite feeling scared all the time, and hungry because I have serious appetite problems at times like this, even good times. (Been a problem since I was kid) Once I'd get there, I was glad I was there, and for a few hours could absorb the music and relax. And, with getting out, I let myself be proud I didn't let the anxious monster pull me under the bed with it.
5) This week I started pushing myself to go walk by a river and shoot pictures, nature is very very therapeutic to me, and somehow I became isolated enough that didn't interest me, seemed pointless. I went yesterday, and am shocked at what a difference it's made. I'm not dancing in the rain, but I'm feeling some hope I can do this.
6) I'm trying to push myself to eat better, because of course it's a horrid cycle: don't eat well/don't think well/don't sleep well. So I'm buying food that's decently healthy and no junk food so I have no choice when I do manage to eat, it's good. After a week, I'm starting to get turned off by junk food, so I gave myself some points there. But, this one is tricky because I'm getting so little from the gvmt, so I'm still eating maybe once a day to save money.
7) I admit to smoking herb to help more with appetite than anything, but sadly (for me) it's not the best idea with my PTSD. So I set a rule: I can only touch the stuff after 5, prep food ahead, do some cleaning, go for a walk, etc... It makes me way more paranoid, and mostly on myself - I feel scared someone will yell at me for painting/playing on my PC, amd end up staring at a wall trying to stop it/relax and do something I enjoy. This has been a tremendous help! It was hard since I got back in a habit, but now I'm feeling more like I WANT to do things, and actually smoke way later more and more. (I actually quite and smoked socially for six months as an experiment, and at the time I was working so things were stable...it helped me get out more and I actually felt sooooo much better without it. But that's just me, some people say it helps cool. Me, just barely - it makes things worse, and yes I've tried several strains - we all have different brains eh)
8) I'm trying to avoid alcohol, thankfully I only crave a lot of booze when stressed like with work, depressed not at all. And, my hangovers are so brutal with sleep apnea, not worth it.
9) The toughest one - I'm trying to reach out and see people more. Hard when I have almost no money, and they always go out, and I can't talk about this stuff much to them. But, when I do get out, even though I feel like I'm not there, after a bit, I get into chatting, and once home glad I did, and each time it hits me how important it is to connect to people.
10) My next mission is calling a center in my hood that's a support group for women, that has all kinds of activities and being active in that.
11) I signed up to volunteer for a festival this summer, I was nervous because I don't know what's coming next, but glad I did. I saw a few people suggest that, and it really does wonders :) It helps me gain skills, meet people, and no pressure to perform perfect because you're volunteering so if it gets too much you can stop. Also, looks good on a resume, and hey - I once got a job meeting someone through volunteering, so ya never know
12) I'm hoping to do part-time work once I see what these meds do to me, but I think part-time would be a good way to nudge my system back into the groove.
I'm sure many of these things are typical, but it took me baby steps the past few months just to start feeling like yea, maybe I do wanna try and live out my whole life. Maybe I can flip this damn thing that's been in me since I was 4, barely helped (did 2 therapy sessions years ago when symptoms came up seemingly out of the blue full force) and use this darkness to do creative projects and raise awareness on PTSD.
Sorry I wrote so much, been awhile I've been on here, and it's nice to write :) The last thing I'll say that helped me so much was what my psychologist said to me during my evaluation. I told her about the guilt choking me, and she said, "That's one of the things we're going to work on, getting back into the present. So right now, you're job is getting better. Have you taken a time to seriously address this?" I reply no, and she says, "You're hired. I think you'll be a great employee, now go home and do some painting, that's an order!"
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope maybe something there may be interesting for you to try :)
