Can't avoid it anymore

[NewBeginnings]

I am not sure what to think.
Each T session is hard and yesterday was the worst (or the best) yet. I made some bigs connections/realizations -
If this is hard to follow I previously posted my recent experience in my diary post

Now I have to continuing moving forward. Everything seems really intense and I can't believe this is my life. What a f**d up life I have created! I must be in a stronger place because I am actually looking at this stuff rather than pushing it deeper but then I think I am fooling myself. My world seems to have been cracked open. I feel terrified and free at the same time. I want to be angry at my T for pushing me in this direction and in the same breathe I want to thank her for supporting me and guiding me in this direction. I am in my head because I feel weird. I have answers to questions - I have a better understanding of how everything built upon my previous experiences. Things make sense and I don't like how I have coped but I coped.

Now I am vulnerable. I think it is too much for me to handle yet I feel lighter in a different way. I slept super sound last night. I can no longer avoid my past and I see how integrated it is in who I am. I have been running and hiding my whole life and now what? I must be out of my mind - Before I felt like I was an outsider watching life go by - it wouldn't have mattered if I was alive or not...my place was so small it was unnoticeable. I could step off - like stepping off the merry-go-round and no one would care. Now everything is very vivid and vibrant and I feel a connection - not sure if this will last. There must be a faint line between not in a right mind and being in a right mind. I think I am teetering on that line. I want to think this was positive but it sure as heck does not feel that way in my body. Does this sound nuts? I don't know what to think-

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Good Job! When I couldn't reach "vulnerability," my T sent me to someone else. I think you are on the right track! Stay strong!

 

[Mach123]

You will come back. I felt this way. The thing has been so hidden for so long and when it hits the light of day all kinds of explosions take place. I don't know if you watched the Matrix but it was like when Neo woke up in the tanks and pulled all the tubes out of himself. It's like being born and dying and that's true, that is what is happening. I also always thought it happened at it's own pace. The therapist may seem to be pushing you but is probably responding to you instead and helping you because you were telling her you wanted to go that way or you may have guided your therapy that way yourself. You are right on time, congratulations.

 

[Ivi]

Sometimes for therapy to work we must have our walls and barriers torn asunder. That's just the nature of healing and we build up so much to keep us from being hurt ever again. This is a great step and you're doing well and it is terrifying and elating all at once but you will rebuild but this time you will do so in a healthier way.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Good Job! When I couldn't reach "vulnerability," my T sent me to someone else. I think you are on the...

kinda weird I would not consider myself strong -thank you

 

[NewBeginnings]

You will come back. I felt this way. The thing has been so hidden for so long and when it hits the li...

It does feel like the Matrix!! I think I need to go watch that movie again and take myself to an alternate reality. This experience is a bit surreal- as my day has gone on - it seems like I did just wake up and I am trying on new clothes and not sure if they fit yet. Comforting to hear that this kinda thing has happened to you.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Sometimes for therapy to work we must have our walls and barriers torn asunder.

I had no idea what I was getting into when I went to see a therapist. My perception was really skewed- my mom is a retired psychiatric nurse which always confused me as to how she could help people and be so absent for me. I never envisioned going to talk. I was so naive and thought if I were to ever go and talk I "knew" it was a feel good thing and the wrap. Would be told what they wanted to hear. Boy was I wrong!
I didn't research what I was doing and really just went to talk with someone to help me figure out the best plan for my family and lend support. I was ready to jump out of my skin, I couldn't really function and needed to get through a few months so I wouldn't hurt others. There was no guide for me on what therapy was going to be and I am in a kinda shock over my experiences after 3 plus years.

That's just the nature of healing and we build up so much to keep us from being hurt ever again.

This really speaks to me - after my suicide attempt at 14 - I was so afraid that people would find out and talk about me- I made a very conscious choice to NEVER look back. I buried my experiences so deep because no one was ever going to hurt me. Now being open and vulnerable I feel like I need to be careful who I am around right now because I feel like a kid with a fresh start (and yet I am in my 40's).

 

[Mach123]

I had one of those days you were talking about yesterday so I decided to put this here. Some other part of myself is stirring. It was great really, but it took a long time to get from this is torture to this is great. I was thinking it was bad and I posted on here about being upset but, that's the price of admission. I know it's progress. I know it's movement. I am sorting it all out still. It's such a strange feeling. The therapist looks at me sometimes and she says 'you already know all this.'

I do. I do 'already know all this.' The process is bringing it up from a deep well. No I don't want to look, then looking. No, I don't want to know. Then knowing.

I had an old dream last night. It's a recurring nightmare. I've always had them. Different ones at different times. This one is really scary and it involves sleep paralysis. I always have the dream on the edge of waking, but in REM sleep you have paralysis so you can't move. My partner says I whimper and whine in my sleep during the dream. That's part of sleep paralysis also because in the dream, I'm screaming.

It doesn't matter where I am when I start dreaming, I just know the dream is starting again and 'it' is around and I don't want to look at 'it'. 'It's' close by, and 'it's' aware of me and 'it's' commanding me to look. I know if 'it' gets close enough to me I'll have to look and if I do, I won't be able to look away. When I wake up I can feel 'it' still. I am so horrified when I wake up. Last night 'it' was calling me back into the dream. I was sleepy and I had to fight to stay awake because I knew if I went back to sleep 'it' would be there waiting. The dream would start over.

I forced myself to stay awake. It takes a long time for the fear to subside enough for me to get up and go to the bathroom. That dispels it, the familiar, the ordinary. I think about things that bother me, things I don't like so everything will become solid again. It's like pinching myself. Then eventually I feel myself again and I know it's safe to close my eyes and go back to sleep.