Can't Commit To A Relationship (but Its So Much More)

[franciemarnie]

For sure you get alone time in committed relationships unless you are with someone who can't bear to be alone.

I'd go nuts without alone time. Everyone needs it. Well if they are healthy, they do I think.

When I was younger my problem was when I would get in a relationship, my alone time went out the window because they became my everything.

When I got older and healthier and had a substantial self, my interests were just as important as theirs. And since reading and writing are my thing, I have to have that alone time. It is possible.

I would only do what feels right for you for now, not what is right according to someone else's standards - whatever they may be.

I was happily unmarried until I was 50. That worked for me.

 

[kyara]

I relate to many of you here. I had an absolutely fabulous relationship with someone who broke down with PTSD. We haven't spoken for nearly half a year now. Right now, all I can really do to cope is to shut down my emotions toward an opposite sex. Of course I want sex, but the thought of having sex also reminds me of "him," the PTSD sufferer who disappeared. Is this healthy? Absolutely not I belief. Nonetheless, this is the best I can do to cope with his departure, the unknown, and holding myself together to get on with day-to-day life. Single sounds good. I have a dog, and love can take so many forms with friends, people, etc. I am happy where I am once I put "that" into a box and put it somewhere out of sight and out of mind. If there is a chance he comes back, I want to start from a fresh notebook, and then I am done for good, whether things work or not!

 

[Fadeaway]

@silkleaves When I was single, that drove me insane. I was happy being alone. I didn't want a relationship, but people act like there is something wrong with you if you don't. Why? I don't get that, as it is a personal choice, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be single.

Yes I am in a relationship now, but if I hadn't met someone who was so different from everyone else that I had ever met, I would still be saying the same thing and my spiky bubble would still be intact.

 

[GWhizz]

I have been there!

Until I met my current partner I could never commit to a relationship. Even when I met him, I dumped him 4 times in the 1st month we dated - can't believe he persisted lol!

But with him (cliche as it maybe), it was just different, we just clicked. He understood me, my quirks, my irrationality, everything. He was willing to stick it out and give me the benefit of the doubt and not let me push him away. Maybe I'm just lucky. Or maybe I just finally realised I'd be selling myself short if I didn't at least give it a real chance.

Sex for me used to be something I'd silently cry through, though I went through a very promiscuous phase where all I wanted was to 'feel' something. That didn't work though. And though sex still triggers me at times, I could never enjoy sex fully (I mean emotionally and physically concurrently) until I was with someone that I was truly trusting of and committed to. I'm so glad I gave both him and I that chance. We now have a beautiful baby boy and a really understanding genuine relationship.

Don't give up on yourself or think your not worthy/suited for a relationship. It's not the be-all and end-all, but it is one of lifes greatest treasures when you meet someone you can truly connect with, trust and feel safe with

 

[Notsowild]

@Solara... Relationships scare the h*ll out of me. Having been through a few bad ones. I hate the idea of commitment or putting up with someone all the time. I'd rather have just a sexual relationship with no emotions too. Relationships seem like such hard work. Putting up with one another's quirks and believe me I have a lot.

BUT Solara you are still young I'm a lot older. You should be out there dating and trying out (sounds like shoe shopping) different guys. With your knowledge and wisdom I know you could find a well suited guy for yourself.

 

[bell]

I am scared of relationships, too, because I have turned into a whirling banshee in the past because all the closeness was just too much. And, as life would have it, he has PTSD, so it was a real disaster from both sides... we each had our own crazy, which led to a whole lot of crap. Just when I had had enough therapy to want to see where things could really go, he flew the coop.

After many months alone, I've started dating again, which is its own nightmare. Recently, I've come to realize that I need to "friendzone" people in order to better work on my issues. I.e., I need to trust people again, so trusting men in a friend capacity is where I can start to see that not everyone wants to hurt me. Given my past, the whole sex thing gets in the way because I disassociate mighty quickly, so @Solara at least you can see both sides of the same coin. :)

I haven't given up on the dating thing, however, even though it triggers me like a mofo. I've been pushing myself really slowly in terms of new people and hope to find someone who "gets it." I know you didn't ask for advice, @Solara, but if I were you, I'd see where things go with the "friendzoned" guy, if only to reconfirm that people can be trustworthy and not just want you for that proverbial one thing. I have found that the lack of stress regarding "is this a relationship" has allowed me to heal in small amounts with people as I can see what's really happening in front of me clearly, instead of through a veil of anxiety.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thank you all for your replies. I had to leave the thread for a few days because the topic is quite upsetting to me, although I truly do appreciate your kind responses.

I am going to take things slow with the guy who is truly interested in me. He has agreed to It, I have agreed to it....actually, the situation sort of demands it, so I think that may be a good thing? He saw my first episode today and it didn't scare him away. He said he still feels the same about me. He knows about my issues and has been more than 100% supportive so far. Its sort of mind blowing, really. He knows I am so very, very scared of getting into a relationship, and doesn't hold it against me at all. I have no idea how this story is going to end, but I think he is a great guy and I am so grateful to have met him.

As for the other guy? Gone. I finally realized that I shouldn't settle for something I don't want. I'm tired of guys hitting me up for casual, non-committal relationships. I inadvertently ended up in a situation that was casual, all along thinking I could get the guy to love me again....Yeah, we all know how that ended!

So scary, but fun scary because you have someone with you who supports you. I keep on thinking "why did I waste so much time on losers when guys like this (new guy) exist?"

 

[GWhizz]

@Solara I'm really happy for you that you've found someone who's different and understanding and that you're feeling able to give this a chance.

I think you really know when you meet someone different. When I 1st met my partner, I thought I was just incredibly lucky I'd happened to find one in a million. But the truth is that I'd probably chosen shitty relationships up until that point and not really cared enough that they weren't good enough.

It sounds really positive if he saw what you go through and is still 100% committed to working on a relationship.

I just recommend you take it slow and most of all, enjoy it! :-)

 

[bell]

@Solara, your post makes me so happy for you! Yay! Having episodes in front of people we care about is such a scary thing, I'm so glad that this one sees the real you underneath it all and has decided to stick around. Awesome!