Can't Communicate With Therapist

[Babablacksheep]

My therapist is very difficult to communicate with. He is not very attuned to me. He even admitted to this recently, after I told him I felt some overt shame by going to see him. He then told me that he was doing one type of therapy, not the other. I don't remember the names, but one was very logically based, the other is very emotionally based. We have just started to emotionally based, and the only reason we started that is because I told him I wanted another therapist, and that I felt extremely uncomfortable with him. He is a perfectionist, and so am I. I find it difficult to express myself without feeling very repressed/restricted since he has been using purely logic for the past 3 months. This has stifled my emotions and made me have even more perfectionist tendencies, even OCD stuff (but the OCD stuff seems to have subsided). My boundaries have also improved significantly.

I have desired to express myself fully. I have tried over and over again to fully express myself. But I feel stifled with him. I find it very difficult to cry in his presence. But I have cried a lot alone (my crying has also lessened significantly). I find it hard to be present with him, as if I'm always trying to figure out how to communicate with him, and like he's trying to find out down to earth ways to communicate with me.

It's as if we speak different languages. He's an amateur therapist by the way, MFT trainee. It's what I can afford. I'm not judging him based on that fact though, just putting it here for reference.

I told him how I feel in his presence multiple times. He tries to assure me that it's safe to talk, etc. He has told me a couple times that maybe he has been "pushing too hard".

I do have some abandonment / PTSD issues. I am going to have another good talk with him very soon. I want to know what the goals are, do they still exist, what is he treating me for, etc. Only recently has he been mentioning the word PSTD, rather than stuff like "cognitive distortions" as well as a host of other psychological terms.

I am not a quitter. I have invested a lot of time and energy in him, and have seen some good results.

In summary,

the goods:
- OCD lessened significanty
- My boundaries have improved significantly
- I have more self-control
- The need to cry has reduced significantly

the not so goods:
- Difficulty with communication
- Unable to fully and freely express myself and my emotions with him
- Feeling like I have been pushed around
- Hard to make goals with him, evaluate those goals, and move on
- Strong feelings of isolation and disassociation in my life by seeing him

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((baba))))

Hang in there. There is something positive in trying to 'meet' our T.'s where they are or making them try to meet us where we are. We're still using skills...just, I know what you mean.

 

[Babablacksheep]

He just called me today, I felt like an allergic reaction, I went into a extreme shame for a few moments and I froze.

 

[BloomInWinter]

You might try telling him 'I don't feel safe with you.'

I fired my T. this past summer. I don't know what finally triggered me but he was also using far more logic with me and I just felt terrified and needed to run. I called to ask for a new T. and they told me I had to talk to him.

I did...though I was in such an emotional flashback I can't even remember the conversation...the dissociation was awful and persistent at that time.

I did make an appointment with a new T. and then...later in the week, when the flashback ended, and I was safe in a trusted friend's house, I realized I was running again. I decided to call him back...tho' it about KILLED ME :P and he took me back.

I was so nervous going back. I dreaded it. I realized it was because he was doing that 'blank screen' face the whole time and all I felt was yet abandoned, judged, and unsafe again. I didn't realize that until he changed up how he deals with me...he showed me more of who he was, and explained more to me of his goals.

I remember most clearly that he seemed to really care that I didn't feel safe with him..which I didn't expect.

He's far gentler, more 'human' with me now. More...attuned. Or I've gotten better. I don't care which it is as long as I'm getting better.

Hope you can find the courage to tell him how you feel. You are paying him to forge a therapeutic relationship. Either he will take it to heart and work to fix the problem, or you'll know not to waste any more of your time/money on him. A win/win, I think.

But...far from easier. Hang in there...that you are still trying and still questioning is a GREAT sign! ...and HARD WORK.

 

[No Folded Hands]

I had a problem like this back in 2001, when there was a special program here to enable all vets to talk to someone for awhile after 9/11. The therapist and I just could notseem to communicate about much of anything. Some of our appointments stalled because I would "work my way up" to talking about significant points of the just past week by mentioning a couple of bad but not impossible moments; my therapist would ask a lot of questions and demand many details and I could not seem to turn the conversation to anything else. One day after 40 minutes of trying to stop her persistence on a minor topic I finally said adamantly "I don't want to talk about that" and explained what I had been doing in a less than strictly polite fashion. She appeared quite upset and yelled, "Why waste my time instead of bringing up what's really important in the first place?" The rest of our appointments failed after she suggested I go on medications; I made it clear I wouldnot do so, and she spent at least 35-40 minutes each session after that trying to argue me into it. I finally canceled appointments with that person with the reason that I felt like I was talking to a drug pusher, and we never got anywhere.

In retrospect, canceling was a good move because we just did not have the mutal skills to find an appropriate method of communication. It also taught me a great deal about what sort of therapeutic relationship works for me (and what doesn't). That therapist apparently did a good job with other vets, it just didn't work out with me.

Thinking back to another thread in here, I think now that I have had failed therapeutic relationships mostly because I did not respect some of the therapists for the same reason each time; I felt they were "weaker" than I am because they didn't live up to my standards for medical/healthcare personnel --the same general standards i find applicable to all of us as colleagues.

If you feel you can at least do some communicating, and want to keep trying, there'snothing wrong with that. I'd say just do bring it all up with the thetrapist, and listen to your own feelings with as much self honesty as you can when you're decideif you should stay or try another therapist. Good luck! :)

 

[ronin47]

Communication is very important. It sounds to me like your therapist is not completely incompetent, he just has a personality/communication style that conflicts with yours. My immediate response would be try to find another therapist. Just call in and see if you can have one or two sessions with someone else and see if they feel any different. It wouldn't be quitting, just trying something different. We live in a capitalist society, take advantage of it

. However, if you feel like this is the best set up given your circumstances, I would perhaps make a list of the things you really want to talk about but feel are not being adequatly addressed and give it to him to use during your sessions.

I want to know what the goals are, do they still exist, what is he treating me for, etc.

Excellent plan! If a therpist does not have goals, then there really isn't much point in talking to him/her. If he does not have any specific, structured goals, or even just ideas for where you guys are going to go next with therapy, I feel, to put it bluntly, you should do one of two things. #1 Work with him to put together some goals and even outline the steps toward them, #2 Walk out, shake the dust from your feet, and find yourself a different therapist. Without goals and a plan, you'll get just as much out of paying for those sessions as you would from talking to a friend over coffee for free. If you do get another T, it's not as if you're suddenly giving up on and discarding all the progress you've made so far. Modifying the direction of your path does not erase the miles you've already walked.

 

[Babablacksheep]

I don't know if seeing a new therapist would help me. He completely understands me, knows how to make me feel good, but we are working through the painful parts, the VERY painful parts. I've already tried to quit seeing him twice. Him being nice to be and making me feel good is not going to get the root issues resolved. If I see a new therapist, the transference will eventually come up with the other therapist, and it has before. I'm going to give it another try and see how it goes. Hopefully I can do it without going too crazy.

 

[Reclusive]

I think what you're feeling might be perfectly normal, since you guys are working on the painful parts. It may even be avoidance. I agree with the others that you should discuss it with him.

 

[ronin47]

...we are working through the painful parts, the VERY painful parts.

Ah yes, that would explain it. Even with that in mind, I still think writing down a list of the things you want to talk about more and letting him see it would be helpful. That way you both have something solid and tangible to go off of.