Can't Figure It Out..

[Audiomaze]

So.. In April-June I started having panic attacks (I had them before on and off since I was a teen, but not like this in a long time) First one was at the post office in line, then on the way to work in the car, then they got worse. I had 4 weeks where it felt like an agitated depression, I disassociated, I was real paranoid, I wasn't myself at all, and even when I wasn't having the classic symptoms, I felt extremely scared, an depressed and was staying at home. I got back to driving, driving didn't bother me, only when I was required to have someone in the car, and had a set thing I had to do, pick up my kids etc.

That got better, I picked up my kid inside a busy school, no panic. Was back to being somewhat normal, with the help of Ativan which I've been on a while, just increased the dose a little bit. Back to work, though sometimes i felt stuck needed to run, trapped feeling, I managed and was like these are only symptoms etc. and rode it out.

So throughout this entire process until now. My mood has improved, before I felt depersonalized, de-realization, I was in rough shape. I still get those sensations, but I shrug them off and refocus my attention. I was able to go to stores and even though the checkout bothered me a little, it wasn't like before where as soon as id go to the checkout id tremble and shake legs and arms. Started riding my bike with my wife again..

Fast forward to now. Now the general anxiety isn't specific to a situation its kind of running in the background when i don't take the pills. But now the checkout at the store is giving me panic again? It goes away then comes back? I was making myself do it everyday, then it goes away, and comes back? I go to a huge store with my wife and Saturday (made myself go) and I just didn't do checkout with her. I went and got the car.. (I feel like such a weak minded person now)

Just now, was calm driving Ativan felt like it was working, I pull in the store get some water, then get to the checkout and went from 0 to 8 in seconds. I can drive 20 miles to drop my bikes off for service but as soon as i get to the register i panic, luckily as he was printing the service ticket I was putting the bikes on the rack legs shaking and all.

I can go out to eat with my wife as long as its outside, we live near the beach. No issue with talking to server. Whats up with the convenient store and the check out? I think I'm doing it to myself but not consciously. Its that one store. I went to a less busy one where I didn't have to stand in line yesterday and was fine.. its such a mind f**k.

I was a pretty personable guy before this happened didn't have a social phobia, in the past I was, but I am in sales, I DJ (havent since this), all things that require me to talk to people, ever since this episode of anxiety, being in stores and people is an issue.

I've been through this before, then i come out of it, but I'm losing hope because I try and face this head on since day one and it gets better, then it comes back. I am being pro active.. my therapist says the anxiety attaches itself to situations, but isn't really the situation so is it all in my head that its "the store"? And if so how do I go to the same one and not have anxiety sometimes, and some weeks i do? Anyone have that happen? Its like for years I'm this confident guy then all of a sudden this episode happens and I become anti social and have to force myself through the day with will alone. And anxiety hell. Then it goes away, then it comes back.

Sorry for the novel I just wrote.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi there, Audiomaze. I see you're quite new here. Welcome :)

I very well recognize what you're going through. I've felt just as messed up and was convinced I was going to lose my mind. I got medication too, which helped really well, lucky me. But for me, too, the fear has come back at some points. I'll try and explain some of my theories as to why this happens. I hope they'll help you in a way. At least know that you are not alone and that you are not weak at all.

First of all, it could be possible that you're body is slowly "getting used to" the medication. Not that its effects are really going to disappear, don't worry! It's probably just your body finding a new balance with the unfamiliar amount of chemicals that you take in every day.
Secondly, there's probably an imbalance in your mind now, too. The meds calm you down, but there's still so much horrible memories and emotions bottled up in there, that your mind is bound to overflow from time to time. That is where the therapy comes in handy, as it can help you cope with the bad moments and eventually help you to regain control over when you get flashbacks or feel afraid.

Please stop beating yourself up over the things you feel. I know what it's like; I have the most ridiculous triggers. Such as how I ate undercooked noodles right after my trauma, so now I have to boil my noodles extremely well to be 100% sure I don't get a flashback. While actually what I'm doing is still reminding me of what happened.

Terrible things happened to you and you need to recover from that. As my own therapist recently told me: the fear you feel, the things that trigger you, they're all a completely natural reaction to what you've been through. It is in no way something weak, as it is nothing you or anyone else can decide on.

I wish you the best on your journey.

 

[Audiomaze]

Thanks for the reply Snow White.

I am going to therapy. I did my 5th week yesterday. We are doing EFT Therapy right now. I was diagnosed BP when I was a kid, I don't know that i even believe that anymore. I guess its possible. But I am 34, and these cycles happen every 3 years or so but to this extent its been maybe 14 years since a breakdown like this, this is reminiscent of when i was 19. I mean I have had some depression last year, but it didn't really interfere with my life as there were no panic attacks.

I am trying to be optimistic, because I have never got "stuck" with these panic attacks (fingers crossed) they come and i deal with them, and they leave me.

I see people who have always been this way. For me, its like, I have a good life, I am productive, outgoing. Then this hits me and all of that disappears, then its hell time. I am not new to this, so some things that would send people running i stand there and feel. I cant put my finger on why I face the fear, and it goes away and comes back with a week intermission. Is it normal to go to a store the previous day and do ok, then freak out the next? Anyone else have this, how do you gauge your progress and know what your up against? Maybe I am not giving it enough time, I feel better then I did a month ago. I am just not used to going into a store for a drink and shaking so bad at the checkout, probably looks like a seizure. I am not used to this type of mental restriction over mundane things like a mall or store. I felt like when my mood improved this would but its lingering. Thanks for listening

 

[franciemarnie]

It might help to sort out what is Ativan related. I don't know how long you've taken them, how much you take, if you take them every day, etc. but consider writing down when you take them and when the anxiety comes, how long it's been since you've taken them and so on.

I know you had anxiety before you took any or you wouldn't have gotten a prescription. They can be a great help and they can also exacerbate things.

If a person takes them every day for two weeks, their tolerance builds and they need more to get the original effect. Your natural GABA neurotransmitters which are one of the body's natural calming elements stop their organic production once you introduce the synthetic equivalent so that when you don't take a dose, you have no natural calm inducing chemicals within. Your anxiety becomes greater than it felt originally. It takes a while for your natural neurotransmitters to come back and do what they are supposed to.

Our symptoms can be so debilitating sometimes that we need meds to function for a while. But the original wound must be worked on to heal or it is simply camouflaged by drugs and there is no healing taking place so that when the drugs are removed, it's as bad as it was before - only now you have withdrawal to contend with.

So I guess I am just saying that keep in mind that once you are regularly taking Ativan and you stop, you will feel anxiety equal to or greater than before because it doesn't heal anything, it just buries it. Hopefully your T is effective in helping you release the trauma energy that is breaking out. It wants to leave your body so you can feel whole again.

 

[arfie]

I get like this when I am fighting memories. My own PTSD carried severe amnesia and I was very resistant to letting myself remember any of it. Seemingly random anxiety attacks, etc., were the fruits of my resistance. They became unbearable in my mid-30s when the stresses of career, etc., were hitting full stride.

Just how it was for me. Hope you get yours sorted, Audiomaze.