Sexual Assault Can't Get Out Of Bed After Days Now...feel So Icky Inside

[Jadie Rose]

Hi, I'm sure some of you have felt this way - due to chronic pain (after four musculoskeletal surgeries this past year) and waking multiple times each night from both the pain and nightmares of the bloody violent gang rape 15 years ago, I just cannot get out of bed anymore.

NOTHING motivates me to want to wake up and get things done. I'm just miserable Been in some form of therapy for almost ten out of the last 15 years and just so depressed having no money (waiting for ALJ hearing on disability) and no life (no kids, just a dog) living with parents again at 42, I just don't care anymore. Sometimes I wish one of the three suicide attempts I made last month, no one would have found me. This is not a life in any sense of the word.

I'm just so stuck I won't even make my bed nor clean my room. Instead I just want to keep sleeping. I just don't care and see no light at the end of the tunnel. I can't go to group IOP because too many flashbacks and nightmares and I won't talk with any friends. Kaiser only allows one session a month each, with a psychiatrist and therapist ( first time dealing with trauma specialists) and I just feel sick to my stomach and don't want to do anything. Have no relationship, there just is nothing pulling me out of bed. I'm so stuck.

 

[Ronin]

There may not be light... but the darkness will and can lessen.

Hang in there.

& If you can't get out of bed? Start taking fun to bed, until it becomes activities you want to do outside of it, too, and the confidence in the world returns.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Healing takes time, and many forms. Learning not to judge what what body and mind seek and insist on. Self trust and is hard. Glad you have a dog on this journey.

 

[Ronin]

Also, hope your disability hearing goes well & if not, there's totally reapplying.

It's not a one decision, final strike, kind of a thing, alright? One day the people handling those applications are just bound to get the A-ha. Things are bad for the person. As in bad-bad, light bulb. Till then, hang on tight.

 

[Jadie Rose]

It's not a one decisio...[/QUOTE]

Thank you, Ronin, I did not know you can appeal so I appreciate that! And TY everyone, for the words...it's a rough journey and you really have to accept day by day activities (you're forced to, can't visualize like used to nor see what my future even holds cause just flips between the calm pic I try to visualize and black, back and forth). It's helpful to come here again, just didn't want to be online for a while.

 

[Jadie Rose]

Ronin, may I ask you a question (or more like can you comment on what I wrote in another post just now and help me understand these things better)? My brain hurts LOL (it's true tho). There are so many things I just don't understand:((( Apologies for making it all about me right now, just so overwhelmed right now, this is also so damn embarrassing remembering things I did and recognizing they were just so out of character for me and talking about it OMG, I feel so fake because I'm not the strong woman I always worked so hard to be for so many years, so I feel fake and think other's are sensing me being fake. Dios mio!!!!

"I feel strange, to tell you the truth because I used to cry so much and now just don't have any feelings anymore. I can't, it's like I'm just done with feeling anything and on automatic now. I must be getting better, I guess, since only nightmares now and able to flee (even with my chronic pain in so many areas) when sense danger...I couldn't even sense it before for so many months and now reevaluating all that happened the past year and many, many years ago with trauma team of P & T. Psychiatrist said I've always been "working" so hard and too hard and now I just need to relax more - I have always been trying to work on myself to keep from being how I am right now, but it never sticks and now my body has forced me to remain on mostly bed rest so I have no choice in the matter. I used to work out 2-3 hours very intensely every day and it just occupied everything within. If I was too sore, then I would work A LOT. But now can't do either so gotta fig out what else to do now.

It's kind of scary, I want answers and there are none. Sometimes (a lot of the time, actually), I wonder if I'm faking it, like is my mind playing tricks on me and I have learned how to fake it too well?? Why am I even thinking this stuff, I really don't know. Wondering if it's because I worked so hard on myself with affirmations, audio books, intense yoga, training for half marathon, work, etc etc that now that I can't work on myself I just think I'm fake or something because I can't seem to control my brain (it's like I'm still there but maybe the 1,000,000th mirror image of myself and cannot control the image before me - it also always looks like I'm out of my body when thinking about stuff. It's so strange. So, I don't know yet how to answer that Justmehere, except in DBT the trauma therapist said they don't understand PTSD much oh and she said PTSD is "just an insurance term," what does that even mean??? It's scary because no one can guide me on what to do now that I know, Dr's/therapists/life coach/yoga there was always stuff to occupy my mind and just replace it all (especially working out so much) but after so many years and nothing sticking I just don't want to do that work anymore - one day at a time - I'm just so angry)."

 

[Jadie Rose]

Ronin, may I ask you a question (or more like can you comment on what I wrote in another post just n...

Oh, and get this, in DBT I just went back other day and it was packed in the room (not like the time I went before at all) and ALL they (the participants and instructor) were focused on was PTSD questions and answers. I was in so much pain that day (it's raining and freezing here every day now and being from San Diego, it's never like this, so chronic pain acting up) and I have no idea what happened, but felt my body changing and suddenly a huge rush of adrenaline and then it went to my head and I literally sprinted out of there.

Of course I thought they set me up and then kept looking in the mirror to see if anyone was following me for a long while. I shouldn't have been driving, I was so not focused. My psychiatrist the next day, I brought it up and I couldn't admit it seemed like it was happening again but he asked me "did you think it was happening again?"

Thank god someone (in person) actually understands what I'm thinking but too scared to admit, FINALLY!! Woot woot. BTW, does anyone know if that's a sign of getting better, or am I possibly still stuck in flashback mode if I thought they were following me again? Or, am I just crazy? Ok, enough about me, I'm going for a walk now. Have a good day!!

 

[EmmaOwl]

I'm just so stuck I won't even make my bed nor clean my room. Instead I just want to keep sleeping. I just don't care and see no light at the end of the tunnel.

Me too. I spend most of my time in my room, if not IN my bed then definitely ON my bed -because there is so much crap surrounding it. It's like this island with a little path from the door to the bed, and there's a saggy corner on my mattress where I curl up when I'm scared.

 

[EmmaOwl]

This is not a life in any sense of the word.

This is a thought that often stays with me.