Can't Handle So's Moods

[screen-name]

I joined here to get some perspective but it's my first time on a forum. There is some background but this is a relationship question.

I have had an extremely stressful year and a half. Finally, I just quit being able to hold it together. I'm doing counseling sessions again and working on relaxation. I have been dating a guy for a few years now and he's never really been that helpful. This wasn't an issue because we don't live together and I like to have control over my home. Sometimes people being helpful feels like they are trying to be controlling and it bothers me.

Well when I quit being able to hold it together, my counselor told me that I have to stop doing anything extra. He said I need to let other people handle things and let me mind have time to relax. That was last Wed. and for about 5 days my BF stepped up and was super helpful. I started feeling better on Monday and was pretty good after my counseling on Tuesday.

The BF had asked me to call after counseling but I stopped by my parents and handled a couple other things. I sent him a text saying I would call after, which he never got. He calls and is upset because "I neglected to call him." I told him I didn't want to have to check in after everything and I was going to call. My check in comment made him mad and he decided I had flipped my attitude and no longer wanted his help. He called me some names and then hung up. This set me spinning again. Everything I had managed to calm in the last week was back, panic and all.

Today (the day after the call) he said he over reacted and wanted to help me calm down. He picked me up and we went for lunch. While out a debt collector called me. This irritated me but it wasn't extreme. The whole time I was trying to handle the call, the BF was telling me to hang up. I wanted to call back and get the company name so I could complain later and he got so upset.

He said that I was a different person and didn't need him. I was being "bull headed" by not listening when he tried to help. I told him he needs to check in and see if I'm stressed before assuming and that the lecture from him was 10 times more stressful than the phone call. He basically yelled and lectured for the ride home until he told me to leave him alone because he "couldn't handle this."

At that point I completely lost it. I told him off for a couple minutes, said he sucked at everything, and went inside my house. I know I shouldn't have blown up but I am already on edge and he just kept going.

So, I guess I am asking if it's possible that I am different since yesterday? Is he being a controlling person or am I overly sensitive and he's just trying to help? I have decided not to talk to him at all for a while. I think it may be best to end this. However, I've been told not to make any life changing choices right now.

Advice?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first started therapy, I was a different person. The insides of me had been shaken out and then I was diagnosed. It is your call on how to cope and deal with him being overreactive and although I cannot say he is controlling because I do not know him, he sounds controlling and needs some limits and boundaries from you, I know easier said than done. You are a completely different person and all of your perspectives are changing as you continue with your counselor. By the way what does your counselor say? I sure hope that you can get your calm back.

 

[screen-name]

This just happened today so I didn't talk to my counselor yet. I work from home so I've decided to just stay in. My sister is coming over to hang out. But I don't really want to talk to anyone right now. For some reason typing is different that speaking so this doesn't bother me.

In general my counselor is just trying to calm me down. I am not violent, just jumpy and irritated. His main focus this last week has been on not stressing me. He told me to tell my friends that I love them but they can't get my advice on life or complain to me. I just need to relax. I relayed this to the BF so that's why it's even more insensitive that he would become the main stressor because he's othered.

For a few days he was making plans for us to do stuff so I could get out of the house and I think he really enjoyed being the one to call all of the shots. So, now I have opinions and he feels like I'm being ungrateful or something. It's confusing.

 

[Silver.]

My mind is very scrambled today, it's been rough, but I have some thoughts rambling around that I am going to try and articulate:

he's never really been that helpful

Perhaps because you weren't in therapy, he didn't see that you needed help, and you have said that when people offer help, you feel they are trying to control you. Why all of a sudden is he helpful now, surely there must be a reason for this change in him?
Perhaps because you just recently restarted therapy, he was showing concern for your well being, and that is why he wanted you to call after, to make sure you are okay. (it makes me wonder, has he been in therapy before? does he know it can be stressful?) If he has, perhaps that's why he wanted you to call. Or perhaps, if he is always asking you to check in, and not just after therapy, he is controlling. I don't know enough to make a suggestion.
A person can grow and change, every day. Each new experience, things we read or watch, can change us, and have us evolve inside. It sounds to me like you both have some anger and communication issues. Time outs in arguments can be great, especially if both parties separate, write down what they are feeling, so they can calmly talk it over. Decide if this is how you want to be in a relationship or if you want to work on it, and grow together.
There are a lot of "perhaps" because I don't know you, him or the situation fully, just some things that came to mind to think about. I agree with @gizmo try and find something to help calm you down and let you clearly think about all this with a sense of calming perspective.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It sure is confusing. When I began in therapy to deal with my incest the first thing my misguided husband did was make a romantice weekend get away to Catalina Island. That was really a hard one to cope with. He loved me but all of this stuff was brand new to the both of us.

 

[Casey_03]

I think it may be best to end this

I think you really need to examine this. There is probably a reason why you've come to this conclusion immediately after starting therapy. From what you've described of your boyfriend, it sounds more like he's really frantically trying to be helpful but he's doing it in an overbearing way so it comes across as controlling. He might just be trying too hard because he doesn't know how to handle the situation. I think you really need to figure out what your definition of helpful is though. Because you seem to have a really confusing attitude. You say that your boyfriend has never really been that helpful, but then when he does try to help (albeit in an obnoxious way), you jump to suddenly wanting to end things with him. So maybe you are attracted to people who are not helpful? Because in addition to that meaning they can't control you, they also can't get very close to you at all. And if they can't get close ... they can't do much harm and you can discard them quite easily. Just like you're preparing to do with this one. I guess what I'm trying to say, in the politest and softest of terms, is that the issue here seems to be with you, not with him. Granted, he does sound like he's being obnoxious, but I don't think he's being any more obnoxious than most other guys are when they try to help but don't know how.

 

[Tinyflame]

Think @gizmo 's example shows how obvious- & difficult- it is to navigate.

Maybe tell him specifically (or rather ask him, because he isn't obligated to provide help, though it sounds he wants to) what he can do to help you, then be grateful or thankful if he does, & tell him so.

One caveat though, if it's something general, (eg, could you help me by cleaning the kitchen), then how he does that shouldn't be open to criticism, even if it's not exactly 'your way'.

Are you a different person in one day? Not really, After youtrdiagnosis? Again, it doesn't change facts, just names things. It might be a hellishly worse time or day though.

I wouldn't throw a relationship of years away on one day's frustrtion or doubt. That sounds like an over-reaction. Unless you were planning on ending it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Just one other thought..Do you think you may be appearing to others as doing not as well as you yourself think you are doing?

 

[screen-name]

I know I'm not doing as well as I think I am. I am trying to listen to people's thoughts on how I'm doing.

 

[TinkerG]

....I have had an extremely stressful year and a half. Finally, I just quit being able to hold it together. I'm doing counseling sessions again and working on relaxation.

So, I guess I am asking if it's possible that I am different since yesterday? Is he being a controlling person or am I overly sensitive and he's just trying to help? I have decided not to talk to him at all for a while. I think it may be best to end this. However, I've been told not to make any life changing choices right now.

Advice?

Hi - you could feel like a different person every day - I certainly did and still do, all the time. Because he has no idea what he is dealing with from one minute to the next, I have learned from my husband to tell him what I am feeling and to ask for specific help when I need it. There is no room for guessing when dealing with someone who has PTSD, you set them up for failure because they have no idea what you are going through at any given time.

I understand about the feeling like someone is trying to 'control you' even when they are "just trying to help", perhaps you could ask him if it would be helpful if you told him what you need, when you need it. Would that be ok, because you are having issues with feeling controlled? Navigating a relationship is difficult enough when everything is normal - but throw in some PTSD and you've got a serious storm.

I have also learned (over time) to stop and think about the situation from his perspective before opening my angry mouth. He wouldn't be there if he didn't care, I do not make it easy on him. So I do feel some obligation to think about this from his side too.

I think Silver & Gizmo are right in suggesting a "time out" or calming down before jumping in and ending it - if you really want to be with this person.

Good luck, remember to breathe.

 

[screen-name]

I told him that he needs to see if I am having an issue before assuming that I am stressed. He said that he knows how I feel and he doesn't need to ask. So, that makes this a little harder on me. My sister feels like he has internalized this and made it his thing. Maybe he has undefined internal boundaries?

 

[Silver.]

rather than assume what is going on, ask him. you two need to have a sit down, about a lot of things. you don't like it when he assumes things about you (I rather hate that when my s/o does that), so stop the assuming (on both your parts, tell him it's not fair for him to assume how you feel etc), and start talking, a calm, open dialog.