Can't Seem To Bounce Back

[piratelady]

I have not been doing very well for a while now. I am so worried about how everything will go when I visit with my family this weekend. I can't really identify how I am feeling. I went to therapy yesterday and I told him what I was worried about and he helped by showing me how to set boundaries. He thought we should practice it so I don't freeze when I see my brother. Well, that did not go well, it just triggered me really badly.

He asked if I was ok before I left and I told him I was. I am starting to think I might not be. I am tired, but I can't sleep. Those phrases that I am so worried my brother will say - they just keep running through my head. I don't know that I can do this. I don't know if I am strong enough to go through with therapy, to set boundaries, to face the things I am afraid of. I don't think I can do that, but I also can't keep living the way I am.

I just feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think maybe I am still adjusting to therapy where he pushes me, but I don't think I am strong enough to be pushed. I feel like I should be stronger. I let someone at work bully me to get her way. I will likely let my brother bully me this weekend. At work my boss has to intervene to make things right. This weekend, if history is any indicator, my mom will have to stick up for me. I am over 30 years old and I still rely on my mother to protect me. I guess I just don't believe in myself to be strong enough to change and yet I am so unhappy with my life as it is now.

I hope I can bring myself out of this soon. The last two weeks my therapist kept saying I can call him if I need something. I don't want to be a bother though and I don't think I am doing badly enough to warrant a phone call. I just don't know what to do to snap out of this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

There is always a first time, I would save the calls to the therapist when you see your brother. It gets easier with practice to reach out for help and support. Most likely your therapist would guide you through the treachours waters.

I know you said you are not up to it. But it is coming at you and you will be in close proximity to your family.

You can do this. You always have your dutch courage. Think of ways you can excuse yourself from your family when it gets to be overwhelmning. YOu did not say if this was going to take place at your home or someone elses. Try to think of the ways you could take care of yourself. You can do this. You are bright and very capable. And remember to breathe. good luck. Hugs.

 

[Mary Burgess]

Hey Pirate Lady!! (((((this hug is for you)))))) I know it took a lot of courage for you to even CONSIDER going to be with your family this weekend- wtg for that!!
My Heart Centered Hypnotherapy starts this Friday evening. We were going to start with the EMDR, but I chickened out - too much bringing Dad back right now to beat the shit out of me all over again - I figure with the hypnotherapy, I will have a better start on that....
If you are not feeling ok, you should call your T - I know that is what she wants you to do...
Hang in there!

 

[piratelady]

Thank you Gizmo. I don't plan to call the therapist and I really don't want to bother him over the weekend. I think part of what I'm worried about is that I feel so fragile right now. Like I need to be at my best before I see my family so I can come out as undamaged as possible.

It won't be at my place. I am traveling to another town that is about 4 hours away. I haven't seen or spoken to my brother since Christmas. We haven't discussed my divorce yet. I know it won't go well. No one in my family knows it was an abusive relationship or about my PTSD, so I feel like I need to appear happy and well adjusted. At this point I'm not sure I will be able to do that.

My therapist said that when my brother makes his snide remarks I am supposed to simply tell him I do not want to discuss it or tell him that when he makes those remarks it hurts my feelings and to please stop. We tried to practice that and my mind went completely blank. I just starred off at nothing and started breathing very poorly. I am worried the same will happen this weekend, only there won't be a therapist there to calm me down and get me out of my head.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

(((PL))) Is it really necessary that you go? This is really taking a toll on you. Can you just get a rain check so to speak? I would pass if it were me. I can't deal with that type of pressure.

Be well,

solo

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hey Pirate, I am glad it will not be at your place. You have the option to leave early if it gets too bad. I understand about going blank. I hate that when that happens. Wow you do not sound ready to do this. Mabe you can get out of it, if push comes to shove. You do not sound ready at all. Not enough time to get you ready either. I see why you are so triggered.

I wish I had a magic wand and I could wave it and it would all work out. I am alittle concerned for you. I wonder if you can get out of it? Just tell them you are not feeling good. Food for thought.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear pl, a way to escape or ameliorate it, even for moments, may help.
Even if you feel badly- (not saying you 'likely' will, but in the event you do), what can you do after, to also reduce it? To hopefully not allow it to make you feel as badly as you anticipate.

Also, having a plan helps. I tried that tonight- was terrified of repersussions when I got home, but thankfully it is ok. And yet I never would have thought it possible. I almost turned around and went back, but didn't.
((((Hugs))) to you, was thinking someone told me once that I don't owe anyone an explanation for what I choose. I hope you can recall the same, perhaps write down something you can repeat to yourself, take something with you that reminds you of faith, goodness, peace, that there are times, places and people where you won't feel that way (if you feel badly, unsafe or are threatened or verbal abuse, etc).

 

[piratelady]

Solo and Gizmo: No, unfortunately it is not something I can get out of. I don't want to go into all the details on the public site but...long story short it is a funeral, so I really need to be there.

Junebug: Thanks for all of your input, that is very helpful! I will certainly try to find something to take with me that reminds me of better times and try to think of some things to do afterwards to make myself feel better.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear pl, I had the same situation last summer.
I can think of one more thing, will write later, (((Hugs))).

 

[Srain]

PirateLady, my heart goes out to you during this sad and stressful occasion. Under the best of times my immediate family can tip me over the edge if they have a mind to.

Junebug is wise in that mini-time outs is a great idea, hence the reason I have always found bathrooms and lone walks in the late or very early morning so peace provoking, depending which is the most readily available. As far as not wanting to bother your tdoc, I have always felt this way but I'm wondering if you might feel comfortable emailing or even texting. This is something I incorporated this past year with my TT when I've not wanted to intrude but felt it necessary to let her know I was stressing. The plus is I took a chance to reach, I had documentation we could discuss when I saw her next, and it was a relief knowing I wasn't in it alone. I allowed her to decide whether or not to respond, sometimes she would in a text, only once has she ever called me back, but mostly she witnessed for me.

I don't know if this helpful or not, but I'm glad you feel comfortable posting her. Please take care.
Rain

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

My heart goes out to you too. Sorry you can't get out of it, that's really a double whammy. At least take plenty of meds before you go and with you, take a double dose if need be, and maybe that will help you get through it. :alien: Do you have a friend that you can take a long with you?

Big Hugs

Solo

 

[piratelady]

Thank you Rain, that was very helpful. I like the idea of texting him so I don't have to intrude so much.

Thanks everyone for the support.

 

[Innordinate]

I think you're strong. Maybe it's not that you won't stand up for yourself but that you won't allow yourself to hurt other people even if they're trying, or have, hurt you. You won't be a bitch just because someones an asshole. It's not that you need your mother to save you, it's that you're intelligent enough to not engage ignorant people in their stupid banter...? But you are strong.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you...again. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure if you'll see this pl, and don't know what your relationship was to the person who passed away, but you can write 'them' a letter about how you feel, as it applies, gratitude to and for them, ask for their forgiveness etc, whatever you feel, bring it with you, and then later burn it, or throw it in the river, etc.

Specifically as regards funerals, and ptsd-complications if they're a (your) trigger, a friend of mine said , "So what? Just shows what an amazing person that person was" (and he didn't even know about the ptsd).

Good luck, thoughts, prayers and hugs to you, get yourself 'away' when possible, you'll get through this.
((((piratelady))))

 

[Jen93]

((((PL))))

Can't say anything else, other than we're here for you.