Can't Sleep.

[sharky]

I refuse to take anti-depressants. There are certain medications I will and won't take. Anti-depressants are one of them that I will not take. I know it sounds stupid since I've never actually taken them... But I know they won't work. I know they'll just 'numb' the pains, not fix them. Like you said.

 

[frozen]

Sharky, I can't believe how much your situation sounds like my mine!!
Although I am not married, no partner and Pit Bulls are my all time favorite breed! :)
But specifally, and exactly the same fellings that come when not able to fall asleep when I want, whaich is just go to bed at a normal time and SLEEP! My life now revolves around the trauma from the sleep issues going unresolved for so long.

I too can't tolerate anti-depressants either. I am definitely not pushing any medication, and at a higher dose the Seroquel would make you too loopy to function, it should never be given to anyone to use during the day, you wouldn't be able to function, period! For sleep, it works well (for me) and it doesn't build up in your system like anti-depressant do.

I can't say "when" yet, but at the times that I feel the worse is when I feel like I can't go one more night without sleep, that would be the number one reason of my suicidal thoughts...I guess it's similar to picking the less of two evils.

 

[sharky]

Oh I definitely know you can't take Seroquel during the day (not sure if I impied that, didn't mean to). And with your last paragraph, I think I can relate to that... After a while I start to break down and get more and more suicidal. But then I crash and I'll sleep for almost 24 hours, and then I'll go right back to sleeping an hour or two a night.

But what I hate the most concerning the sleeping patterns... I hate that now I sit and watch the sun come up every morning, instead of enjoying sleeping at night like I use to. I don't have a job, or any reason that keeps me up besides terrorizing and intrusive thoughts and anxiety. I can feel my eyes are constantly heavy, but they're oddly wide open. I get a dryness in the back of my throat, because some days I forget to keep myself well hydrated. Especially while I'm staying awake almost all night and all day.

I think the hour or two I'm actually sleeping, I really am in a deep sleep at least for part of the time. But lately I've been abruptly woken up by strange night terrors - ones that don't seem to have anything to do with my trauma sometimes.

Last night(actually last morning technically) I had a crazy dream that there were two sets of stairs going down in front of me. The one on the right was new looking, and had a landing, and then went beneath me and I couldn't see the end of the stairway. The one on the left was an old plywood staircase that had chipped red paint. I could see the cement floor, and then just pitch blackness. My boyfriend was behind me and pushed me down the old-looking staircase. Even though I was protesting, he was following close behind. But then the staircase started to rock back and forth like it was falling apart, and then it did. In the huge mess of rubble in the darkness, I couldn't find my boyfriend. I looked back up to the doorway where I came from and started yelling, "Help! Help!" Over and over again. I woke up screaming for help.

I'm still trying to figure out if there was any actual meaning to this nightmare, but I don't think there is. But it was enough to unsettle me and wake me up.

 

[frozen]

Once again you've described the same feelings I have. The nightmare of being awake still when it starts to get light out haunts me....it drives me nuts!!! And the worse part for me anyway, is trying to explain to others, even my kids, what this is doing to me.

I have disected every aspect of my life, my traumas, fears, anxiety..the list goes on, just trying to figure out why the sleep??? The closest I come is that I'm not afrais to sleep, I am afrais of waking up to that sick feeling when I realize another day of anguish.

It took me more than two years to build up enough courage to try the Seroquel, I was so desperate for a good nights sleep and having a lot of suicidal ideation, that I finally tried it, it was the break I so badly needed!! again, I'm not trying to push any medication, I hate them all actually, but if one saves your life it's worth it IMO.

I hope you find something soon to help. I know how much devastation it can cause!!
My thoughts are with you!!!

 

[sharky]

Maybe I should contact my doctor again and see about Seroquel. I've done the same things and do them everyday - picking apart everything in my life. My brain, how it works. Why it does what it does. I have an obsession with it. It's all I ever think about. I have hardly any room in my head to think about much else - though I think I'm fairly good at pretending sometimes. It's like a second nature to act like I'm totally A-Okay.

I miss my pediatrician. He actually listened to what I had to say, and seemed to genuinely care - my current doctor does not. :( He basically just sits there while I tell him about everything that's bothering me and says, "Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Mmm hmmm." And then throws anti-depressants at me, and Ambien twice. He didn't really seem to care about what I had to say, or that I was in serious need of seeking out help...

 

[frozen]

I got ya!!

Gotta love that Ambien...Dr.s would freak if they knew how many it took me to fall asleep, and how many more to stay asleep!! Um..one a night does NOTHING!

If your stress chemicals are super high like mine, you may really find the Seroquel helpful because it helps with my anxiety and the severe depression from not sleeping.

If you do get it, start out small dose and let someone know ahead of time so they can keep an eye on you in case you react badly to it, but I seriously doubt it. Personally I've no problems with it. I do take it with a klonopin to take that edge off the loopy feelin when it first kicks in.

and on that note it's time to get in bed to lay there for hours in a dark room so I can't tell whether the sun is rising! :confused:

 

[sharky]

I've taken 6 xanax, and am probably staying up all night(damn pills don't to jack for me anymore, couldn't even help me out when I was having a panic attack earlier). Sooo, I'll be watching the sunrise. Haha. But anyways, I hope you have a good night. I'm glad I've 'met' you. :)

 

[frozen]

It would take me a nice HUGE handful of any Benzo to make me sleep!!
Good for anxiety, they don't do squat for sleeping...

Keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[sharky]

Benzos can't help my anxiety anymore... I think I need to seek out professional help at this point from a PTSD specialist. I can't deal with all of this anymore. I'm starting to freak out.

 

[Bullying Survivor]

I'm late to the thread, but hello sharky and frozen. I too can totally relate to how crazy-making insonmia is. On top of trying to get a handle on the trauma and memories, we get the double whammy of not sleeping (and how anxious that makes us). Not sleepings is anxiety-inducing in itself, but angsting about not sleeping just ramps up the anxiety even more.

Before my C-PTSD I could sleep so well! Fall asleep in minutes, sleep for 8 or 9 hours, and wake not refreshed (I also have chronic fatigue - itself a precursor to the PTSD), but at least with a glorious night-time of blankness.

My doctor prescribed trazadone, which essentially does nothing. I also use zopilcone, which works but only when I am not too anxious. My doctor also prescribed klonopin for sleep, but as you both say, BZs do absolutely nothing for sleep. And strangely, the klonopin does nothing for my anxiety other than make me feel this wierd combo of stoned and anxious, followed by groggy when I do wake up in a panic after 3 or 4 hours of fitful sleep.

The sad fact is that insomnia is a symptom of PTSD, and one that makes the PTSD worse. So, we get caught in a double bind.

Yours in sleeplessness.

 

[Elph]

I'm late to the party too but lord do I know the pain from sleeplessness! Zoplicone was the only med that worked for me.

A few months ago I gave up caffeine completely (meaning no decaf coffee, no black tea, nothing). I started sleeping through the night again, however it still can be tough to fall asleep in the first place! Once in a while I'll sneak a decaf coffee and ALWAYS pay for it, and I have to go through caffeine withdrawal all over again. You'd think after that much insomnia I wouldn't want to touch the stuff, but then again I don't expect my impulses to make sense anymore so I'm just rolling with it.

 

[sharky]

Thank you both Elph and Bullying Survivor for your input. Sorry it took me almost a week to respond!

But anyways, I'd like to say that my sleeping is currently okay. I mean, I'm still up late sometimes (like right now, it's 5:30 a.m.) but as far as actually getting sleep in... I've been doing pretty well. Some nights, I even go to bed at a reasonable hour (about midnight).

Also, I have completely cut out Xanax. I realized how much it was destroying my memory when my boyfriend started to talk to me about things that have only happened in the past month or so, and I couldn't remember them at all? And lately it has gotten even worse, to the point where I'm actually forgetting everything I did the day before. To be completely honest, I started to get paranoid about what I was doing to my brain, even though I usually only took three .5's around night time (usually when I am the most anxious).

Since I have cut that out though, I have been feeling better. Today was actually the first day where I smoked weed and it was actually fun and happy-therapeutic again(instead of the 'you need to take xanax before smoking or you will start to delve into deep thoughts about what happened in your life and get morbidly depressed').

So currently my only medication is marijuana, and reading my PTSD books I got in the mail about a week ago. Which, I have found that if I can pry myself from the computer (usually before this hour) and lay down and read instead of stare at a screen - I will fall asleep fairly quickly. It's nice. :)

I don't know about you guys, but I get a lot of ups and downs that come in waves. This week has been a fairly good week for me, though. Which is nice after being in the abyss of the downward spiral of my mind for however many weeks it has been. Granted, that has a lot to do with finally coming to terms with letting go of my friends that do me harm. Which is pretty much all of them.

Anyways, I am straying way off topic, I think. Sorry! Went into 'write' mode. Ha ha.