Can't stand father's day? here's your place to vent

[ClairBear226]

Just thought I'd open a thread for this weekend's upcoming Father's Day holiday. It's a hard one for me, as my father is a source of trauma. I've learned to avoid Facebook, as I can't stand all the posts talking about everyone's great dad, and how much they appreciate them. The ones with photographs taken with Dad, looking like a normal family always get to me. Even the friends who have lost their fathers and post things like, "I miss you, Dad" get to me. I'm actually jealous of a friend whose father died years ago, because he had a great father. I even avoid card shops, because I hate being inundated with all the "#1 Dad" stuff. And yet, I need to celebrate it to some degree, because my hubby is a good father, and needs to be recognized as such. Anybody else have a hard time on this holiday? Here's your place to vent.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I feel ya. Vent away. May was very hard for me because of that other parent holiday. Most people don't understand why someone would hate a parent so much so it's good that others here can empathize with you.

 

[just me here]

Yeah, I feel it too. But it is SOOOO much better now that I have come to grips with the reality that my dad is a weak minded man, and my stepmother is dead by way of a cult membership that makes her so sub-human that I don't even set my radar that low. They decided to follow a beyond strict church and checked out on me back in like 1974 or so.

I wish I had back all the years that I tried to gain their approval and be the good son in spite of the lack of religion in my life. I wish I could trade all of those fathers days in for something useful, like a solid month of Sundays spent with my own family with no shadow hanging over me.

Now I celebrate fathers day for me and my kids and if they even enter my mind I smile and say "I wish I had accepted their death long ago." They are still alive I hear, but not to me. I am the one that's alive, living a life they passed up. They have their books and their church, I have all the rest that the world has to offer and no more time to waste on them.

Happy fathers day, wether your dad is a wonderful guy and you spend it with him or if he's an empty hollow man like mine or even the person that brought trauma to your life and you celebrate being free from him. It's your day, enjoy it with him or in spite of him but priority one is enjoy your day.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I hate the parent holidays too. I used to pretend I had a father that was worth celebrating with and realized I had no idea how to behave with a father that wasn't raping and trying to kill his own children. I gave up on the whole father thing altogether and this holiday makes me feel so bitter. I'll keep working on it and I'm sure someday I won't care at all, but for now I just want to shut myself away and ignore it entirely(which if you go to church is impossible!).

 

[Loloma]

Yes I find it very difficult the parents day issue. I remember when my mother was alive and I associated with her. Looking for a mother's day card was stressful. They were so "flowery and full of love" included being thankful etc. Made me want to puk!

The same could be said for my father and later husbands. In the end I gave up it was just too hard.:mad:

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I hate father’s day, it’s a time of year
filled with remembrance of pain and fear,
So this year instead, I’m going to hide
away from the world and pretend he has died,
because simple phrases, like: “I love you dad”
are sickeningly wrong and horrifically bad.
They turn my stomach, they mess with my head
I wish you had been a card-dad instead.

 

[BloomInWinter]

My dad is dead, not missed at all.
I told his secrets on my Facebook wall.
Secrets he burdened me to keep
continued to drain my life from me.

Several dear friends of many years
shared their pain, and grief, and fears.
I spoke out and risked being true to me,
hoping others with shame will also see,
suffering in pain and silence doesn't help,
telling the secrets finally honored myself.

Rewarding and a lifting of burdens at last,
I feel safe to live now that I've honored the past.
I have become a survivor and I know this is true,
if I can find healing...so can you.

 

[Chincho]

I hate father's day because my father psychologically abused me all my life. But at the same time I feel guilty for hating this day because my husband is a great father to my sons.

For me, it's a depressing, triggering, and guilt-filled day.

 

[Philippa]

I have the same thing in regards to not enjoying reading friends posting about how much they miss their dead father...and I seem to have become friends with an inordinate number of people who are grieving their dead fathers, which has been a tremendous source of guilt and doubt and just bad feelings all round.

Life sure has a wicked sense of humor. It seems to be the way, whenever there is a key issue in your life, at the time, suddenly all these things pop up that remind you of that thing, just to torture you even more seemingly. What is that about anyway?

I only realized it is fathers day earlier this afternoon at work, when a friend posted a humorous you tube video showing a guy singing about how if your father is mean to you or makes you do homework, that you can always take polaroids of yourself naked and put them in his drawer and the police will take him away and you can get a new dad.

It was pretty messed up humor I admit, but it reminded me that it was father's day, and after that my heart just wasn't in it to work at all. I was going through the motions, and my customers could tell I wasn't happy. One even asked me why I didn't seem happy, and if he could help, which was sweet.

Yep, I hate this time of year. Both father's and mothers day get to me. I even considered taking some MDMA tonight after work, just to perk up a bit...but didn't. I try to remember the good memories, as there were some, but just lots of head messing and put downs, belittling, talking down to, insults and under-estimating me, not believing me when things happened that made me uncomfortable and that involved their friends, right down to weird involvements with a known pedophile who was high profile, and bragging about it??

I hated him, but I loved him too. It is not something I tell too many people, since hating parents is so unacceptable, and I've wondered if I really am evil for it? I do my best to forgive myself and to remember that I'm entitled to feel whatever I feel, even if it is hate for someone. He messed with me too many times, and I wonder if today he will wonder what he actually did to deserve my contempt, and be honest with himself for a change...or will he remain in denial the rest of his miserable life?

 

[just me here]

Phillippa: use the anger (you say hatred) to fuel an attempt to get yourself free of them 100%. I get it, all of what you say. And I agree that it can make you feel like a bad person no matter how justified the anger is. I feel better about the whole mess when I remember what a great T told me:

(paraphrased) You are not psychotic or schizoid or delusional, we would know about it. Your emotions are real and justifiable, don't disregard them. If you feel sad, the correct response is to replace what you have lost or find what you need but do not have. If you are angry or mad, use the energy to remove the source of that emotion from your life. If you are scared face your fears or find safety and if you are feeling joy embrace it and share it with the people you love. The emotions are not inappropriate at all, but the reactions we have to them should be closely watched and steered towards the appropriate responses.

it aint always easy but it helps me, maybe you too?

 

[OutofTouch]

My father just wasn't there for me. I used to hate him for it. Until I became mentally ill and found out that my father had suffered anxiety/depression. He still doesn't exist as a father but at least I don't hate him any more.

 

[Leah123]

Wow, thanks for this thread. It was hard for me to even read it, afraid of being triggered, but I wanted to say, I love Father's Day because I get a chance to celebrate my husband who is a good, trustworthy, hardworking father. He's not perfect, but I love him and know he is doing his best for our daughter. He's a HELL of a lot better than the asshole who I had the bad fortune to be born to, an abusive, alcoholic, impulsive, adulterating, codependent sick f*ck who I'm glad I left the minute I could and who still haunts me enough I wish I'd killed him instead sometimes. May he rot in hell, sooner than later.