Can't stand father's day? here's your place to vent

[Philippa]

Just after I read this thread last night, I visited my facebook account and a friend, who has helped me immensely through the process of estranging from my parents and brothers, posted a thread expressing her irritation at father's day, and sharing her own experience of estrangement, and one of her friends came on talking about how 'forgiving your parents' and welcoming them back is what brought her the most inner peace.

I found it so...imposing, and triggering too. As if we don't have enough trouble with the actual estrangement, we don't need to hear people telling us that taking them back and 'making amends' is the best option if you don't want to be a lost soul when they do die, left with issues unresolved and always regretting not making contact in their old age.

The hard thing is, I actually do have some very conflicted moments where I think about this point...very closely. Before I had reached my breakpoint with them, I thought like most people do...that family are everything, and whatever they do to me, I just have to forgive them...because "they're family". The thing I most wanted to avoid was being left bitter and twisted, and unforgiving with them dead and gone, adn never have the chance to resolve things. Now that is getting closer and closer to becoming a reality.

It's not like I haven't tried though. I've done everything in my power to get them to look at transforming the situation with me, trying to suggest that change is needed (which my mother even admitted to, but only to manipulate me into thinking she was actually serious about changing). I know I cannot change anyone else, only myself, but when faced with the options of just accepting them the way they are, and getting on with it...just putting up with the bad behavior, and actually teaching them that I'm not going to put up with it, just because they gave me life, seemed like there was only one obvious choice.

I don't want relationships with people that aren't honest. That is a fake relationship. I put up with superficial surface talk with them, and adapted to their individual personalities as much as I was willing to, but the emotional abuse is not going to stop, and I am not going to continue placing myself in their line of fire anymore.

 

[Philippa]

Phillippa: use the anger (you say hatred) to fuel an attempt to get yourself free of them 100%. I get it, all of what you say. And I agree that it can make you feel like a bad person no matter how justified the anger is.

Thanks just me here. I have pretty much broken free of my provider alltogether. He knows I will not respond to any of his communications, and have a new phone now. His only means is via email, but I have not gotten anything from him in over a year. He has realized I mean business. There is no forwarding address. My brother who lives in the same state as me doesn't know where I live, and he also knows the deal. I've told him that if I ever do make contact with him in person, that I will leave immediately at the first sign of nastiness or psychological games that he likes to play, or any of the other ice induced nonsense he's come up with in the last few years.

(paraphrased) You are not psychotic or schizoid or delusional, we would know about it. Your emotions are real and justifiable, don't disregard them.

Yes, as much as my father, mother and brothers would like for me to think I am the crazy one, I cling to the reality that my feelings are valid, and anyone who disrespects them, or tramples over them, no matter who they are, doesn't deserve to be in my life, and must be eliminated from it, for my survival and self-respect.

If you feel sad, the correct response is to replace what you have lost or find what you need but do not have.

Totally agree. I work with inner mother and father work, though not as much as I would like to...but since I got my kitten, I find great emotional support through her. She can always tell when I need that support, when I'm down or upset, and will come and cuddle me or just be there with me.

If you are angry or mad, use the energy to remove the source of that emotion from your life.

Done. :) I'm hardly angry at all these days. I still feel pain from the seperation, and I get stuck in loops of second guessing myself quite regularly, but it is lessening day by day. The alienation has been the hardest feeling to sit with.

If you are scared face your fears or find safety and if you are feeling joy embrace it and share it with the people you love. The emotions are not inappropriate at all, but the reactions we have to them should be closely watched and steered towards the appropriate responses.

Yes, I always tell others that every emotion has some gold to it, and will teach you something. Every emotion is allowed and valid. I still revert to bottling emotions when things get overwhelming, and I've been masking my grief at work lately, which I don't like...but I'm getting there.

it aint always easy but it helps me, maybe you too?

Yes, most helpful thankyou just me here.

 

[stars]

It feels like I could've written every post in this thread so far - I thought I was the only one who hated Father's Day...

You know, this year I didn't think Father's Day would bother me. My father & I have always been estranged, in a way - he ignored my entire existence when I was a child, and didn't come to terms with the fact that he had a daughter until I was 15. We fought viciously until I was 23 when I severed ties with him & the rest of my family. Last year's holiday was the 1-year anniversary of our severance, and it was, predictably, terrible.

But leading up to it this year, it didn't concern me much - I barely even knew what day it was, except that we went to meet my in-laws for dinner that day (my husband & his parents have a pretty solid relationship, and I'm quite fond of them). At dinner they had a bit of a fight - nothing major and definitely nothing compared to what my family holiday fights used to look like - and I barely thought about it that day.

But this morning - well Monday morning - I woke up with the same anxiety/panic-stricken mind I used to have when they were part of my life. This morning I didn't have the word, but Sunday dinner was clearly a trigger for me. The anxiety quickly turned into a deep depression, and I turned to the internet. I landed here. I am grateful, because I feel like I've learned a great deal about myself today through all of your stories. Thank ya'll.

 

[dragonfly2]

Thank you all for your stories, it helps. I had no idea how much things have been effecting me.

Most of my memories of childhood are absent from about age 14, and even spotty during highschool (I'm now 44). It wasn't until I went to my therapy appointment that I realized why I couldn't stop walking on Sunday (it is something I do to relieve stress but is usually less than a mile......this time I walked all day for over 7 miles) and again later that evening had a lot of vertigo. I knew something had triggered me, but I didn't figure out it was the fact that it was Father's Day until 2 days later. Most of my symptoms are somatic and amnesic.

I am trying to come to terms with letting that be the case and not striving to remember. I have had some memories come back that explain some things, but they are few and far between.

Thanks again for posting this and having this forum.

 

[nimkekaa]

I find that on Father's day I start making myself feel guilty for not appreciating the good in my father. My father is a horrible man who did horrible things to me and in front of me but we had some really good times too. It brings back the craziness of the past and trying to come to terms with all the horrible things he did.

For years I chose to repress the horrible and just see the good. Now I am putting both the horrible and the good together into the one person that they are. I don't feel as bad not honoring my father when I look at the whole picture. But Father's day still unsettles me.

These days I try and focus on my husband on Father's day and how wonderful of a dad he is to our children but I think this holiday will always be difficult for me.

It sure is nice to know I am not alone though. Thanks for starting this thread.

 

[ClairBear226]

"I wish I had accepted their death long ago." They are still alive I hear, but not to me. I am the one that's alive, living a life they passed up.

Funny, that's the way I've come to see my parents. "Dead to me", as if they were already in the ground, when they are very much breathing. But they've chosen a path I won't follow, and I'm learning to accept them for the small, weak people that they are. Most days I'm pretty successful. The parent holidays are still hard, though.

May he rot in hell, sooner than later.

Yup. I really hope there is a hell for exactly that reason. It gives me a strange sense of comfort to think of mine rotting in it.

Just after I read this thread last night, I visited my facebook account and a friend, who has helped me immensely through the process of estranging from my parents and brothers, posted a thread expressing her irritation at father's day, and sharing her own experience of estrangement, and one of her friends came on talking about how 'forgiving your parents' and welcoming them back is what brought her the most inner peace.

I found it so...imposing, and triggering too. As if we don't have enough trouble with the actual estrangement, we don't need to hear people telling us that taking them back and 'making amends' is the best option if you don't want to be a lost soul when they do die, left with issues unresolved and always regretting not making contact in their old age.

Hard to believe anyone would be so insensitive, but there are plenty of people like that out there. I find that the ones that get preachy about forgiveness are the very ones that have little to forgive. The people who have had the most trauma and difficulty in their lives seem more understanding of those walking through fire.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

This is why I knew I could post this here, and know you all would understand. Thanks.

 

[Philippa]

My father is a horrible man who did horrible things to me and in front of me but we had some really good times too.

That's what makes it hard I've found. My father was also nice to me at times, and we had some good times together. When it's not consistent though, it creates confusion in young minds. I can remember the happy memories, and hold onto them, but I refuse to pretend the things he did that were so violating, harsh and neglectful, not to mention cruel and just really messed up, never happened, like they all want me to.

Taking the good with the bad is important when being sure of the reality of things, and gaining perspective. Some people think that it means you have to put up with them though, and literally continue taking the good with the bad. I don't think that is true. You can put it all in perspective, and still choose to not subject yourself to it anymore, if they show no signs of changing.

For years I chose to repress the horrible and just see the good. Now I am putting both the horrible and the good together into the one person that they are. I don't feel as bad not honoring my father when I look at the whole picture. But Father's day still unsettles me.

I wish I had the skills to learn to handle these people better, but until I can learn them, I can't be around them.

 

[ClairBear226]

For years I chose to repress the horrible and just see the good.

I did that too. But I've found the bad to cancel out the good, because the bad really is that bad, and the good was mostly used as a manipulation tactic. I've given up trying to sort through the tangled mess of a personality that is my father. I can't apply logic where it is clearly unwanted, and frankly, I'm not qualified to figure that out. Instead, he's written out of my life. My mother has chosen to enable him and endorse what he's done. So she's out too. Sometimes, family needs to be the people you choose. And no one in their right mind would choose them.