Relationship Can't Understand His Behavior.

[Some1sAngel]

I've been trying not to contact my sufferer and ask him why he's like this towards me. When we are together, I can feel he wants to be with me. He never wants to leave my side. But once we do part, it's hard to get him to see me again. I've become very attached to him since we first started going on dates a long while back. But after his last deployment, he came back a different man. Then later down the road he was diagnozed with PTSD. It was then that I started researching a bit over his illness. I'm yet to completely understand it tho.

I just don't know what to do anymore, just when I think things between us are moving forward, they remain the same. He's in college at the moment, with double the coarse load, which keeps him very busy. And although he seems to have his PTSD controlled, I think it is still the reason he acts the way he does with me. He was soo into "us" and now, it's hard to see him. This breaks my heart and I find myself wanting to confront him about his behavior.

That is why I decided to post instead of writing him or calling him. I don't want to push him away with my insecurity, yes, I admit it, I'm insecure, scared that I will lose him and not see him anymore.

Please help me understand why he acts like this. When we are together he's into it, I see it, I feel it .. it is when he's away that he's cold.

 

[Shoka]

Understanding Behavior

Hi

I'm not sure that I can really help you understand his behavior. I think it's great that you posted on the forum instead of contacting him.

I'm sure you know by being on the forum a little bit is that you really can't take some of his behavior personally. I think there is an ebb and a flow emotionally with PTSD. Sometimes it's easier to pull away when things get "close", which may be what you are experiencing.

I think that when carer's feel insecure, it's overwhelming to us because we are dealing with so much anyway. Where is the source of your insecurity coming from? Is it abandoment issues, trust issues, or something else?

Dating is hard enough forget adding in the challenges of PTSD. New relationships make us all feel vulnerable from time to time. It sounds like your guy has alot on his plate with the PTSD and the work load from college. It sounds from your email that when he's with you, he is fully there with you.

Personally, I would cut him a little slack when he's away from you, he may just be trying to balance his life. I wouldn't confront him, unless you suspect that he's not being honest with you.

Take it easy on yourself too, if you can. Be sure you are filling your own time with things that don't totally focus on a relationship. Remember he has college and studying (a double load), so he has something else he needs to focus on in life, not just a relationship. You must have the same? Are you in school, or are you working?

Hope this helps in some small way. I'm sorry you are feeling insecure. I have been there in my life. I always found that taking my focus off of the person I was feeling insecure over and re-channeling my energies into some other aspect in my life, lifted the pressure and helped my perspective.

Shoka

 

[Some1sAngel]

I seriously don't know what to make of it. Seems to me he's keeping himself busy by taking on way too much and not leaving him time to have a relationship. It's like he's shut down the human need to have someone. The last time we spoke, he seemed to be in full soilder mode. I didn't see any glimpse of him. Just the combat side of him. Why ? I ask. I don't know what to do with him ..

 

[MontanaJem]

I agree with what Shoka said about it easier pulling away when they start feeling "close." I have insecurity issues, but it seems my sufferer's are worse due to his PTSD and at different times, one of us will pull back when things get "scary" close, if that makes any sense. It's something we've learned not to take personally - it's just that the other needs a little time to think and reassurance that our feelings haven't changed goes a long way.

There are times I will get intentionally busy so I don't have to focus on our relationship - maybe that is what your sufferer is doing. And if his trauma and diagnosis have been fairly recent, he still may not totally understand why he acts the way he does and it probably frustrates him if that's the case.

Communication is key to making a relationship work but unfortunately, sometimes sufferers are not comfortable talking about the relationship - at least mine isn't. It can be terribly frustrating and I have to believe that unless he tells me otherwise, his feelings haven't changed.

It does make it easier if you have other activities and interests that keep you busy and focused on something besides him and your relationship. They also help to relieve stress.

 

[anni]

Hi,

It is very cool of you to come here and post instead of making yourself feel worse by tryng to contact him. My perpetrator damaged me, then I in turn got turned lose to damage others-however unintentionally.You do have to take care of yourself first, ok? Of course you feel insecure! Who would not? It is more than baffling to have someone behave in this way, and has to be terribly hurtful because you can't help but imagine it has everything to do with YOU.

You say he has a full course load. I can only speak as a PTSD sufferer, but would have to say that 'we' tend to be able to take only so much stimulation/stress before shutting off, shutting down, isolating and avoiding. Those who are in full awareness and management of their PTSD generally can balance things much, much better than those of us still plowing through the healing. Even they say it still pops up now and then, although they can verbalize what is going on there.

There's this self-feeding cycle, of stress, then avoidance, then guilt because of the avoidance, then MORE avoidance because you ( meaning the PTSD person in this case) can't make yourself deal with the hurt you no doubt caused from the original avoidance! Sigh. It really is as convoluted as it sounds. It IS up to us, the sufferer, to make sure we don't not step all over everyone else with our PTSD. We have to be aware of it, and wish to heal to be able to do that, of course. It's hard because none of us asked for this, have been through various traumas and terrible pain, and now have to face an awful lot of work to get through this dam condition. Never the less, the work quite simply must be done.

I might be able to explain some dynamics, but can only say to you as someone who loves a PTSD sufferer that please do make sure you take care of yourself first and foremost, whatever that includes. The carer section of this forum will be really, really helpful and comforting for you. Facts are always friendly, no matter what they are because having information is the only way to be able process your situation intellectually, not solely emotionally.

I hope you have some peace with your situation today, and please do take care?

Anni

 

[Some1sAngel]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm trying to focus more on me nowadays since I've realized that it's the healthy thing to do. It's hard but I have to in order to keep sane. I've noticed my health slipping a bit .. stress at work, with myself, and my sufferer. I just can't take it anymore so, I've decided to just take a step back and analyze the whole situation or just ignore his behavior.

I know he doesn't mean to do the things he does. We spoke a couple of days ago and he seemed to still be in soilder mode and told me he had rejoined the military but the reserves. So on top of his college load, he now has the military in his life again. I got the feeling that he needs to feel a part of the military still, he said he re-joined because of the benefits they offer but from what I got from our convo, that's not the real reason. I just wish he would just give himself a break. He's taking on way too much and I'm afraid he might over do it. But there is nothing I can do ..

I guess, all I can do is just be there when he does reach out to me. But in the mean time, I'm going to try and focus on other things. I do love this man but I must do what's right for me at the moment and be kind to myself.

I do believe it's a struggle for him on a daily basis and he tries to keep himself busy with his priorities and ignores the need to have someone there for him, someone to love. It's in his eyes when we are together but he's sooo cold when we are apart, I guess it's his way of dealing with things.

 

[Frankie]

Hi Some1sAngel,

Some of what you say reminds me so much of what my now exbf and I went through.

I was with my exbf for 2 years, everything was going very well, PTSD was not a major issue for us.......till he got badly triggered and from loving me and wanting to marry me...in a matter of 3 days, he left.

Since that day he left (16 months ago) he would contact me every 2 months or so...always saying he loved me and missed me...and we would see each other and it would be great all over again...he would be loving, caring, funny, attentive and it felt that "this time" was the time he would stay and we could resume our relationship !

.........Till he would leave and not contact me for another 2 months or so...I would not contact him, knowing it was not good to stress him or push him and it became a patter, a pattern that was very unhealthy for me.

Like you, I couldn't understand his behavior, and it was very frustrating.....I did all I knew to do, all the things that we should do with someone who has PTSD.....but I finally understood that there was nothing more I could do...it had to come from him. He had to heal and and get better and want the relationship as much as I wanted it.

The last time we spent the weekend together he had also mentioned that he was thinking of joining the army again...this is something that bothered me....I mean...the army is where he got PTSD..why go back ? So many things we don't understand !

I finally did what I knew I had to do for my own wellbeing and sanity, I contacted him a month ago and told him not to contact me anymore. I didn't want to be his "sometimes, when he felt like it" woman.

Sure it was hard, but I couldn't handle not knowing where I stood, everytime it seemed I would move on...he would contact me and I would be back to square one, I would put my life on hold and start hoping again ! I also didn't want to lose him and what we had...and I was at the point where "a bit of him" was better then nothing, but It soon became clear that this is not what I wanted in a relationship.

If you can deal with the way the "relationship" is now with your boyfriend...then wait and see where it could bring you. The replies you got about why he could be behaving this way makes sense but only your boyfriend knows for sure.

However, don't put your life on hold for him (or for anyone, for that matter). Don't close yourself to what is out there....cause as hard as it is to accept, he might not want or can't have the relationship you would want to have.

Please take care of you !

Frankie

 

[Etain]

I think it's good that you're looking after yourself. No matter how much you care about someone, sometimes you have to put yourself and your own well-being first.

I actually did something similar to my boyfriend. I have PTSD and was undergoing a lot of stress through school, and I started shutting off from him. Unfortunately this occurred at a time when he really needed me. But even though I'm not a selfish person by nature, sometimes when I'm under a huge amount of stress it's like I can't do anything but be self-absorbed. He broke up with me because of it. I don't think he was ever able to understand quite what I was going through (or at least wasn't able to realize it wasn't personal). But he has his own medical problems that he needs support for, and I wasn't there for him.

It ended up being a wake-up call for me. That and spending 6 months apart helped change a lot...and we're back together and doing really well. I'm hoping that this will be a similar wake-up call for the guy you're interested in! You sound like a really caring person and you certainly deserve the best.