Care Breeding Fear, Fear Of What?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I am lucky to have a friend who's incredibly supportive and whilst I know he doesn't understand the specifics, he understands enough to be there for me. His wife, who does not (to my knowledge) know my personal history, is also very kind. They don't live close to me, so for me to come here I have to stay with them, which I enjoy very much but feel so inconsiderate by coming.

I feel like when I'm here (and everywhere else if I'm honest), despite knowing the opposite, that I am in the way, an inconvenience, a trouble maker, a downer, a worry, that I'm percieved as lazy and/or an attention seeker. The way I'm made to feel is that I am none of the above and yet I feel horrifically guilty and ashamed that I'm here and that I like it here.

I can't for the life of me see why they put up with me (not that I'm the slightest bit of trouble), what they see in me to spend time with me, why they like me, why they are so nice and kind to me or why they don't seem to be sick of me. I like cooking for them and joke that it's for rent, but it feels like I'm doing it in case they realise what I am - not that I know what that is, just that it feels as if I should be greatly ashamed of it.

Because I can't understand why they don't feel/behave this way (I know I'm a nice enough person), I begin to worry that they do feel this way but they won't tell me because they feel sorry for me or they don't want to hurt my feelings or that they're hinting but I'm not seeing the hints.

I'm sure this is probably my own insecurities, as I feel this way most of the time about myself and am sure everyone must feel that way. Do I hate myself so much that my own self loathing and fear is projected on to friends and family? Am I trying to push them away? Is this insecurity part of PTSD and/or childhood sexual abuse? Why do I feel this way? What purpose does this fear serve? What am I really afraid of - because it seems that I'm afraid of people caring, that can't be right can it? How do I stop/ease or come to terms with it?

Thanks in advance, I'm sorry I come here with so many questions and not nearly not enough advice.
Katy

 

[franciemarnie]

I believe your friends see you as you are, not as you feel. You are probably a great person to be around.

I was treated horribly as a kid and in my kid way, as any kid would, came to believe I deserved it and so must be inherently offensive. That feeling has been tough as hell to kick. It is deep in my earliest neuron structures. It has nothing to do with reality though.

Feelings are not facts.

I hope you can tough it out - keeping these people who care for you as friends though you can't feel why they care maybe. Someday I am hoping you will know at a deep level what a great person you are.

 

[The Albatross]

I'd take a risk and ask them. But I'm kind of wired that way. If I didn't ask them I'd eat myself alive with compulsive over thinking and get all convoluted and confused. I just took the bull by the horns and asked some candid stuff today. It seemed to work out. It is stressful to risk, but it is a relief to have the conversation sometimes and eliminate the doubts.

 

[Abstract]

I'd take a risk and ask them. But I'm kind of wired that way

Gosh I wish I could do that Alba. I am getting much better but asking something or even saying how I am feeling leads me to to be convinced people are just placating me whilst feeling very differently privately. Or worse. Instinctively I have realised I think they will use it against me and so when I say anything personal or ask a question such as this I tend to go into mentdown after.

I am practising though and it is much improved.

Kas, I think for me it is both projection and self protection. It is for me anyway.

What I tend to do is use my "wise mind" (dialectical behaviour therapy) and then act as if I can believe it as much as possible. Dealing with an eating disorder and recovering from it has helped me with skills like that. I am used to the idea that what I believe or think is not necessarily true. To evaluate and take feelings into consideration and then act according to what is best when possible.

I think asking questions is fine. Do you find self doubt is also a problem? I just ask as something you said made me wonder, and it is for me.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Truthfully I know it's me. They have not only been reassuring and complimentary, even joking about me moving in or telling me I should stay longer, as often as I want/need and to think of here as a second home. I just can't shake the feeling that they're saying that just to get rid of me!! NOT THE SLIGHTEST BIT O' SENSE THERE THEN!!

I won't ask them because much the same as Abstract, in my mind it wouldn't help and would possibly make it worse. I can see it now:
Me: Do you secretly hate me and can't wait until I go or are you telling the truth when you are nice to me?
Them: We're telling the truth, you're a nice person and you cook lovely dinners!
Me: **that confirms it, they can't stand me**

Yes, Abstract, I definitely have a problem with self-doubt on every level, what was it I said that made you wonder, or was it all of it? I have to rethink everything I do from every angle not to upset anyone else and if it's impossible not to upset anyone, I would take the bullet before even asking anyone else. I also don't trust my own opinions despite the fact that I rarely make bad ones, however, partially I believe that is because I take such precaution.

I don't like chasing things up for the same reasons. Take therapy for example, I've been on a waiting list since last year (NHS, UK), and I think what good will it do chasing things up, the availability for therapy is either there or it is, by phoning them I'm wasting there time and hastling them. Thankfully they've finally started chasing me up and reassuring me that I haven't been forgotten about, which is a massive relief as I was beginning to give up. I don't like asking for help either, even when I really need it, until I have a massive problem - which then makes it harder to ask for help again.

Basically I think it comes down to this: I am not worth anything; no care, love, friendship, time or effort. Anyone who does any of these things I think are crazier than I am. I both need that reassurance and am scared by it. I want to develop meaningful relationships but I don't think I'm worthy of them, that I am a waste of space for other people and that I should save them the time and effort by not letting them near. Except I know that's not true, but it feels it. If someone told me to set my self on fire and jump of a cliff, I would probably accept that as reasonable response to my existence. Telling my self that I'm worth it does nothing more than make me think of Loreal and avoid the real problem.

Bloody 'ell, I'm crazy!

So how do I shake the crazy and start believing that some people are nice without motive, or not even that - but that I am not as bad as I think I am and realise that the only person who needs saving from me is me?