Hello to everyone on this forum
I have been dating a law enforcement officer (who is recently separated from a long term marriage) for some time. Initially, when I met him we were friends and had a lot in common. He is truly a hero in my eyes, an urban warrior who faces life and death consequences everyday to protect the wonderful city I live in. Our meeting occured due to several projects that we ended up working on together in the city and I was immediately drawn to him. Having so much in common and being a very good team when it came to these special projects we immediatly had a strong bond in a short amount of time. Our romantic feelings inevitably followed and although we were both newly out or getting out of relationships, the time we spent together and the bond between us was too strong to stop the growth of our relationship.
About 5 months into our relationship, I first noticed his extreme jealousy when we ran into an ex boyfriend of mine. It was the first explosion between us, and I had no control over the situation. We fought like I've never fought before. He accused me of making a fool out of him which enraged me because it wasn't the truth and NOTHING I could say could convince him otherwise. There was no sense I could talk to him about the randomness of this ex-boyfriend showing up at the place we were at that night. He was so convinced that I was trying to make a fool out of him. Eventually his accusations set me off to the point where I needed to stand up for myself and it wasn't until I got angry and raised my voice with him that he snapped out of it. It was and still is very draining for me to have to exert myself like that in a fight, it has never been my normal reaction to conflict and the extreme with which I reacted shocked me and then drained me emotionally. At the time, I was in therapy and undergoing EMDR myself from childhood trauma, betrayal, and an previous abusive relationship. It dawned on me that HE might be suffering from PTSD, and I knew I had to be gentle with discussing this idea with him.
From this initial fight, it seemed like slowly we had opened the gates of hell with regard to his PTSD. From that night on, almost every two weeks I began to notice a pattern of his aggression. The cycle would go something like he'd go out and have one too many drinks, not eat enough, not have enough sleep and I could feel the tenseness building. The tension would build and build to the point where one phone call from the wrong person in my life would set him off. I would adjust my life, make changes, reassure him that I love him and am loyal to him, but nothing would matter. Then the explosion would occur, always at night, usually mid week, always at my house. He would make an accusation and I just was unable to take it anymore and would have to stand up for myself. Standing up for myself would start off calmly like asking him to please stop the conversation, which would escalate his response until I was cornered into a fight or flight mode. It was almost as if he WANTED me to fight. My PTSD reactions have never been the angry kind, they've more been withdrawal, depression, avoidance symptoms, but in these scenarios, I would find myself screaming at him to try to get him to really hear my truth. The problem is again that he seems to respond to the yelling and agression on my part which is great because he backs down, but it really drains me and puts me in a dangerous depression. All the while this is going on, I'm in therapy. Keep in mind while these explosions are going on, there are also other times of great friendship, tenderness, laughter, communication, intimacy and mutual support going on. Its like being on a roller coaster. The pinnacle was one night when the pattern was peaking and we were fighting and I thought he was going to hit me. I was terrified as I've never been in a physically abusive relationship (although I have survived extreme emotional abuse by a master manipulator). Somehow we got through the night and the within days he agreed to get help.
Months later, there has been some real improvement, and our relationship has grown and our love has deepened. I have never had a man in my life who has worked so hard to try to save a relationship. I am so moved by his willingness to face his demons head on for me. The real problem I am having right now is that our relationship is so uncertain. He is separated, but is unable to move forward in his marital status. He is anxious because we do not have a "real" commitment and he can not make that happen any time soon because he is working so hard to deal with the PTSD. I anxious about the situation because I've been led on by a "separated" man before who just strung me along for years. I try to really keep the commitment stuff at bay because obviously we need to chill on this issue- but come on that is easier said then done sometimes. We are both very passionate about each other and want each other exclusively. I am trying to do everything I can to support and love him and also take care of all of my stuff so to the best of my ability so it doesn't get in his way or in the way of our love. I recently had a day where I thought it was best if we just didn't see each other because I was in a place of exhaustion, anger, depression, fear and confusion. I just needed to try to gather myself, and I thought one day of a break was the right thing to do, primarily because I didn't want to fight with him. It was a disaster. He thought I was at the early stages of leaving him, he got desperate and we ended up fighting anyway over the phone, which left me exhausted, unbalanced, worried about his state of mind and resentful. Nothing I could say to him that night was the right thing (and granted I'm admitting that I wasn't in my best place either). I ended up exhausted, feeling guilty about abandoning him, feeling resentful, and feeling very alone (bad for anyone with PTSD).
Bottom line is this, I love this man intensly. I believe that when he and I put our strengths together we have an amazing relationship that can withstand anything, could see continued joy, and could also be a partnership to do great things in the community. On the otherhand our weaknesses together could result in a real tragedy for one or both of us.
I have always been a believer in the theraputic process,as my own time in therapy proves. I'm someone who has worked the 12 steps, has faith in a higher power and genuinely tries to do the best I can every day to live life and be the healthiest person I can be. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should not be in this relationship anymore for several reasons, but I'm not sure if that is compassion fatigue talking or not. I don't want to turn my back on this wonderful man who is so strong, is such a hero and is trying so hard to beat this thing. I also love him deeply and still hope that there is a future for us together. I've read about all the ways I can be a good "Carer", I know I have oceans full of patience and love for him, but I also know that I need to take care of myself first, which I worry seems like abandoment to him. His hypervigilence and demandingness of me at times is hard. I'm not a perfect person, I try not to get defensive when he goes into his "untrusting" and "interrogation" mode with me, but it is really challenging. I can't just take the accusations and what seems like really out there taunts to my character like a doormat. When he is not having an episode, he is extremely apologetic and tells me how wonderful and special I am. I get that as a cop in some of the neighborhoods and drug dealing types he works in he has to be untrusting and suspicious of everyone. I've never given him a reason to doubt me or my loyalty. If anything I've altered my life and several meaningful platonic male friendships to put him at ease. I"ve asked some of my long term platonic male friends to stop calling me altogether and of course I feel like that is unfair to them too! It's crazy, and I fear that my deleting my support system is very unhealthy for me. When the phone rings at home I actually scared that it's going to turn into a huge fight which I always desperatly want to avoid. I usually unplug my phone, but sometimes I forget to.
Tonight I'm worried, I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm overwhelmed by this whole thing and by the ups and downs. Some times we have the most amazing mutually supportive relationship (he's gotten me through some really rough spots and I've helped him through his), and other times it feels unbalanced like I'm the primary caretaker and that I can't handle the load no matter how much I want to. I'm trying to find the healthy balance of taking care of me and then doing my best to love him and take care of him. I know he does the same. He worries about me incessantly.
Don't know what to do, but ask those of you who believe in prayer to please pray for us. I just have to believe that God brought us together for a reason and that we both won't be destroyed in the process. I don't know what to do and realize that doing nothing and just staying the course for the time being is very hard. I also worry that all this investment will result in us not being together and then all I feel is grief and sadness.
I am so grateful for this forum. Beyond words grateful.
thank you for being here.
I have been dating a law enforcement officer (who is recently separated from a long term marriage) for some time. Initially, when I met him we were friends and had a lot in common. He is truly a hero in my eyes, an urban warrior who faces life and death consequences everyday to protect the wonderful city I live in. Our meeting occured due to several projects that we ended up working on together in the city and I was immediately drawn to him. Having so much in common and being a very good team when it came to these special projects we immediatly had a strong bond in a short amount of time. Our romantic feelings inevitably followed and although we were both newly out or getting out of relationships, the time we spent together and the bond between us was too strong to stop the growth of our relationship.
About 5 months into our relationship, I first noticed his extreme jealousy when we ran into an ex boyfriend of mine. It was the first explosion between us, and I had no control over the situation. We fought like I've never fought before. He accused me of making a fool out of him which enraged me because it wasn't the truth and NOTHING I could say could convince him otherwise. There was no sense I could talk to him about the randomness of this ex-boyfriend showing up at the place we were at that night. He was so convinced that I was trying to make a fool out of him. Eventually his accusations set me off to the point where I needed to stand up for myself and it wasn't until I got angry and raised my voice with him that he snapped out of it. It was and still is very draining for me to have to exert myself like that in a fight, it has never been my normal reaction to conflict and the extreme with which I reacted shocked me and then drained me emotionally. At the time, I was in therapy and undergoing EMDR myself from childhood trauma, betrayal, and an previous abusive relationship. It dawned on me that HE might be suffering from PTSD, and I knew I had to be gentle with discussing this idea with him.
From this initial fight, it seemed like slowly we had opened the gates of hell with regard to his PTSD. From that night on, almost every two weeks I began to notice a pattern of his aggression. The cycle would go something like he'd go out and have one too many drinks, not eat enough, not have enough sleep and I could feel the tenseness building. The tension would build and build to the point where one phone call from the wrong person in my life would set him off. I would adjust my life, make changes, reassure him that I love him and am loyal to him, but nothing would matter. Then the explosion would occur, always at night, usually mid week, always at my house. He would make an accusation and I just was unable to take it anymore and would have to stand up for myself. Standing up for myself would start off calmly like asking him to please stop the conversation, which would escalate his response until I was cornered into a fight or flight mode. It was almost as if he WANTED me to fight. My PTSD reactions have never been the angry kind, they've more been withdrawal, depression, avoidance symptoms, but in these scenarios, I would find myself screaming at him to try to get him to really hear my truth. The problem is again that he seems to respond to the yelling and agression on my part which is great because he backs down, but it really drains me and puts me in a dangerous depression. All the while this is going on, I'm in therapy. Keep in mind while these explosions are going on, there are also other times of great friendship, tenderness, laughter, communication, intimacy and mutual support going on. Its like being on a roller coaster. The pinnacle was one night when the pattern was peaking and we were fighting and I thought he was going to hit me. I was terrified as I've never been in a physically abusive relationship (although I have survived extreme emotional abuse by a master manipulator). Somehow we got through the night and the within days he agreed to get help.
Months later, there has been some real improvement, and our relationship has grown and our love has deepened. I have never had a man in my life who has worked so hard to try to save a relationship. I am so moved by his willingness to face his demons head on for me. The real problem I am having right now is that our relationship is so uncertain. He is separated, but is unable to move forward in his marital status. He is anxious because we do not have a "real" commitment and he can not make that happen any time soon because he is working so hard to deal with the PTSD. I anxious about the situation because I've been led on by a "separated" man before who just strung me along for years. I try to really keep the commitment stuff at bay because obviously we need to chill on this issue- but come on that is easier said then done sometimes. We are both very passionate about each other and want each other exclusively. I am trying to do everything I can to support and love him and also take care of all of my stuff so to the best of my ability so it doesn't get in his way or in the way of our love. I recently had a day where I thought it was best if we just didn't see each other because I was in a place of exhaustion, anger, depression, fear and confusion. I just needed to try to gather myself, and I thought one day of a break was the right thing to do, primarily because I didn't want to fight with him. It was a disaster. He thought I was at the early stages of leaving him, he got desperate and we ended up fighting anyway over the phone, which left me exhausted, unbalanced, worried about his state of mind and resentful. Nothing I could say to him that night was the right thing (and granted I'm admitting that I wasn't in my best place either). I ended up exhausted, feeling guilty about abandoning him, feeling resentful, and feeling very alone (bad for anyone with PTSD).
Bottom line is this, I love this man intensly. I believe that when he and I put our strengths together we have an amazing relationship that can withstand anything, could see continued joy, and could also be a partnership to do great things in the community. On the otherhand our weaknesses together could result in a real tragedy for one or both of us.
I have always been a believer in the theraputic process,as my own time in therapy proves. I'm someone who has worked the 12 steps, has faith in a higher power and genuinely tries to do the best I can every day to live life and be the healthiest person I can be. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should not be in this relationship anymore for several reasons, but I'm not sure if that is compassion fatigue talking or not. I don't want to turn my back on this wonderful man who is so strong, is such a hero and is trying so hard to beat this thing. I also love him deeply and still hope that there is a future for us together. I've read about all the ways I can be a good "Carer", I know I have oceans full of patience and love for him, but I also know that I need to take care of myself first, which I worry seems like abandoment to him. His hypervigilence and demandingness of me at times is hard. I'm not a perfect person, I try not to get defensive when he goes into his "untrusting" and "interrogation" mode with me, but it is really challenging. I can't just take the accusations and what seems like really out there taunts to my character like a doormat. When he is not having an episode, he is extremely apologetic and tells me how wonderful and special I am. I get that as a cop in some of the neighborhoods and drug dealing types he works in he has to be untrusting and suspicious of everyone. I've never given him a reason to doubt me or my loyalty. If anything I've altered my life and several meaningful platonic male friendships to put him at ease. I"ve asked some of my long term platonic male friends to stop calling me altogether and of course I feel like that is unfair to them too! It's crazy, and I fear that my deleting my support system is very unhealthy for me. When the phone rings at home I actually scared that it's going to turn into a huge fight which I always desperatly want to avoid. I usually unplug my phone, but sometimes I forget to.
Tonight I'm worried, I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm overwhelmed by this whole thing and by the ups and downs. Some times we have the most amazing mutually supportive relationship (he's gotten me through some really rough spots and I've helped him through his), and other times it feels unbalanced like I'm the primary caretaker and that I can't handle the load no matter how much I want to. I'm trying to find the healthy balance of taking care of me and then doing my best to love him and take care of him. I know he does the same. He worries about me incessantly.
Don't know what to do, but ask those of you who believe in prayer to please pray for us. I just have to believe that God brought us together for a reason and that we both won't be destroyed in the process. I don't know what to do and realize that doing nothing and just staying the course for the time being is very hard. I also worry that all this investment will result in us not being together and then all I feel is grief and sadness.
I am so grateful for this forum. Beyond words grateful.
thank you for being here.
