Caring Too Much/ Protecting Myself?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Last year when my PTSD exploded and I became no longer able to pretend it wasn't there I regained contact with an old friend who I had lost contact with. After a few months of emailing small talk. I broached the topics of my abuse and the PTSD with him as he is pretty much the only person I have ever trusted so much. But I'm beginning to think that maybe it wasn't just this and that maybe the reason I told him was to push him away. Even at that time I was shocked every time he got back to me and was sure that each time I messaged him back, I'd never hear from him again. He proved me wrong.

I elaborated on the broad generalisation that I had been abused and expanded the types of abuse and approximate ages. I even started to talk about in some detail some the lesser abuse and bad situations I was placed under. Mostly this was to justify why I also felt guilty. Then I came and stayed with him and his wife. To say that they were kind and supportive would be an understatement. It is something that has changed my life and since then I have come to stay with them twice more.

But at this point when I first stayed with them, I began to care. I care so much that I can't tell him any more. He has reassured me that it doesn't matter and that I should feel free to email him or talk to him. It's not entirely that I don't want to, but I don't feel I can. Partly this is because I feel that I care too much and I don't want to hurt him with the information - something he reassures me that I can't do. Partly because I feel guilty for being a burden on him - something he reassures me that I am not. Partly because I am scared and partly because a lot of the stuff is so bad now it's horrific. Yet again he reassures me that he can handle it and that I should share what ever I want to with him and part of me wants to share it, but I am so scared and can't even if I want to.

Is this emotional distancing, is it because I care too much about him, am I protecting my subconcious? After all this reassurance and support I should have no reason to think that he will suddenly abandon me (not really the right word, but similar enough meaning). To be honest I don't know if I'm scared more of the rejection or the lack of rejection.

Has anyone else struggled with sharing with someone or don't they? Mostly I don't. I'm too scared but this felt ok.

 

[piratelady]

Sharing something so difficult and personal will always create a feeling of hesitation I think. I haven't felt comfortable enough with someone to be able to share it with them. I worry they will hear what happened and shun me or they won't be able to handle the thought of what happened. I worry about the images I'm sort of putting in their head.

I haven't figured out how to get past those feelings yet or how to fully trust someone with my story. If you figure anything out on how to deal with that, I would be happy to hear it.