D
Deleted member 20280
After the first two days being as they were.
Monday triggered but controlled and angry with the world
Tuesday on top of the world after finally getting a referral to the correct specialist therapy I Urgently need.
****** Apologies Major Trigger Warning.. Please do not read this thread if easily Triggered *****
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Wednesday
0650hrs UK time I awake from a short restless sleep to start my day.
Washed and dressed. Mantra's recited and copings for the day listed mentally and I am ready to face life with a smile.
0930Hrs UK time collect keys to the shop to start my days volunteer work ffor the homeleess drop in.
1000hrs UK time Open shop and enjoy my morning Coffee. Black with no sugar as today I start ,y diet.
1010hrs UK time Mobile rings. Unknown mobile number. I answer it to a strange brust voicee.
1015hrs UK time. Throat constrict's in panic. Smells all around me darkness is setting in, where am I ?? I am not in 2014 on Wednesday 11 June. Where am I?
Realisation hits like a sledgehammer. I know where this is and I know what year this is and I recognise the smells and the screams that I can hear. Why can't I see anything? why is my vision all of a sudden darkened.
Why can't I move? why are my feet stuck to the spot. WHERE is MY RIFLE.
Pardon the language but SHIT. I have to run I have to get out I have to escape.
I can't focus, I can't breath, I can't ground. I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN.
I stride headlong and try to focus my mental self to ground and I just CAN'T. Need to get to safety but there is no cover. There is no safety.
Eyes pierrcing my subconcious. I can see them in my perifery but they are scared. All of them staring at me and I can't scream for help. These faces and these eyes cannot help me.
Who can I am screaming in my mind.
A small voice speaks to me inside "5x5 laurie call 5x5".
Mobile in hand and I head straight here to the chatroom and nearly scream for anyone there to help me as I am going to collaps and I cannot tell anyone what is happening.
POLICE OFFICER at the end of the road. NO! he cannot see me like this, Not again. I cannot let that happen again. Last time I was lucky they didn't shoot me. This time is much worse. I dont want to end life like this.
FOCUS LAURIE..... FOCUS and BREATH.
I stop pretend to look in the jewellers window. Sobbing my heat out behind mirrored glasses with my cap down over my eyes.
He has passed me, I have averted confrontation.
"Laurie are you ok" appears on the screen of my phone "5x5" has answered me. I can ground now. I can do this I just need to focus.
Ten minutes late and I am back in 2014 and the date is June 11th its 1021hrs UK time and I am in the UK. And I am wearing beeige cargo trousers with a red and blue Gingham shirt wearing a pair of mirrored sunglasses and my BB CAP. Thank-you my "5x5" you really have no idea how much I needed your heekp today.
Dear lady number 4 of my 5 most significant ladies, currently in my life, that I trust enough to tell my traumas to without dressing them up to look pretty and not as ugly as they truly are. You really are the most amazing and wonderful woman in my life today. WIthout you there, at the precise moment you answered my desperate pleas for help I would prrobably not bee posting this thread. Thankyou. ( I will keeep this ladies Identity anonymous but you know who you are and I am forever endebted to you for your simplest of interventions)
I have 56 coping strategies that I can use in different moments of crisis deepending on the trigger or hallucination I am having. This one "5x5" is probably my most critical as if I cannot get it to deploy quick enough I will be back on Sunday May 5th 2013 with a 9mm Pistol thrust firmly into the back of my skull whilst screaming at three armed Police Officers that I am going to kill them.
** I need a break to ground right now **
Breathing is now normal.
I cannot see any of this flashback I am literally blind both physically and mentally. I do not know what this relates to except that it is the military side of my trauma history. When this happened I was concious one moment and the next memory I havee is waking up in a Military Hospital 300 miles away.
I cannot go here, I cannot processs this trauma. I cannot remember a single thing apart from the smells and the screams. The pain in my spine and legs. That pain moment is wheen I black out.
The phonee call was from a Militarry Therapy Unit part of the War pPensioners Veterans Service. I have finally been referred to someone who specialises in this level of trauma.
Why did I trigger so badly?
It has taken me nearly sixteen hours to fully ground and work out why.
When I answered my mobile I was safe giggly Silly Santa and this Authoritarin voice booms in my ear. Simple as that. I was back in the Armed Forces at the moment of my trauma.
I cannot remember the conversation with the therapist apart from his name andd hee wwill be sending me a text sometimee tomorrow, what for I have no idea.
Thankyou to the other two ladies on this forum (again you both know who you are) who have helped me bottom out my grrounding today.
None of you three ladies I feel, will ever fully appreciate just how much I am truly greatful to all of you. Without you ladies today this thread could have had a very bad and potentially tragic eending for me.
Thankyou
Laurence
Monday triggered but controlled and angry with the world
Tuesday on top of the world after finally getting a referral to the correct specialist therapy I Urgently need.
****** Apologies Major Trigger Warning.. Please do not read this thread if easily Triggered *****
..
..
..
..
Wednesday
0650hrs UK time I awake from a short restless sleep to start my day.
Washed and dressed. Mantra's recited and copings for the day listed mentally and I am ready to face life with a smile.
0930Hrs UK time collect keys to the shop to start my days volunteer work ffor the homeleess drop in.
1000hrs UK time Open shop and enjoy my morning Coffee. Black with no sugar as today I start ,y diet.
1010hrs UK time Mobile rings. Unknown mobile number. I answer it to a strange brust voicee.
1015hrs UK time. Throat constrict's in panic. Smells all around me darkness is setting in, where am I ?? I am not in 2014 on Wednesday 11 June. Where am I?
Realisation hits like a sledgehammer. I know where this is and I know what year this is and I recognise the smells and the screams that I can hear. Why can't I see anything? why is my vision all of a sudden darkened.
Why can't I move? why are my feet stuck to the spot. WHERE is MY RIFLE.
Pardon the language but SHIT. I have to run I have to get out I have to escape.
I can't focus, I can't breath, I can't ground. I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN.
I stride headlong and try to focus my mental self to ground and I just CAN'T. Need to get to safety but there is no cover. There is no safety.
Eyes pierrcing my subconcious. I can see them in my perifery but they are scared. All of them staring at me and I can't scream for help. These faces and these eyes cannot help me.
Who can I am screaming in my mind.
A small voice speaks to me inside "5x5 laurie call 5x5".
Mobile in hand and I head straight here to the chatroom and nearly scream for anyone there to help me as I am going to collaps and I cannot tell anyone what is happening.
POLICE OFFICER at the end of the road. NO! he cannot see me like this, Not again. I cannot let that happen again. Last time I was lucky they didn't shoot me. This time is much worse. I dont want to end life like this.
FOCUS LAURIE..... FOCUS and BREATH.
I stop pretend to look in the jewellers window. Sobbing my heat out behind mirrored glasses with my cap down over my eyes.
He has passed me, I have averted confrontation.
"Laurie are you ok" appears on the screen of my phone "5x5" has answered me. I can ground now. I can do this I just need to focus.
Ten minutes late and I am back in 2014 and the date is June 11th its 1021hrs UK time and I am in the UK. And I am wearing beeige cargo trousers with a red and blue Gingham shirt wearing a pair of mirrored sunglasses and my BB CAP. Thank-you my "5x5" you really have no idea how much I needed your heekp today.
Dear lady number 4 of my 5 most significant ladies, currently in my life, that I trust enough to tell my traumas to without dressing them up to look pretty and not as ugly as they truly are. You really are the most amazing and wonderful woman in my life today. WIthout you there, at the precise moment you answered my desperate pleas for help I would prrobably not bee posting this thread. Thankyou. ( I will keeep this ladies Identity anonymous but you know who you are and I am forever endebted to you for your simplest of interventions)
I have 56 coping strategies that I can use in different moments of crisis deepending on the trigger or hallucination I am having. This one "5x5" is probably my most critical as if I cannot get it to deploy quick enough I will be back on Sunday May 5th 2013 with a 9mm Pistol thrust firmly into the back of my skull whilst screaming at three armed Police Officers that I am going to kill them.
** I need a break to ground right now **
Breathing is now normal.
I cannot see any of this flashback I am literally blind both physically and mentally. I do not know what this relates to except that it is the military side of my trauma history. When this happened I was concious one moment and the next memory I havee is waking up in a Military Hospital 300 miles away.
I cannot go here, I cannot processs this trauma. I cannot remember a single thing apart from the smells and the screams. The pain in my spine and legs. That pain moment is wheen I black out.
The phonee call was from a Militarry Therapy Unit part of the War pPensioners Veterans Service. I have finally been referred to someone who specialises in this level of trauma.
Why did I trigger so badly?
It has taken me nearly sixteen hours to fully ground and work out why.
When I answered my mobile I was safe giggly Silly Santa and this Authoritarin voice booms in my ear. Simple as that. I was back in the Armed Forces at the moment of my trauma.
I cannot remember the conversation with the therapist apart from his name andd hee wwill be sending me a text sometimee tomorrow, what for I have no idea.
Thankyou to the other two ladies on this forum (again you both know who you are) who have helped me bottom out my grrounding today.
None of you three ladies I feel, will ever fully appreciate just how much I am truly greatful to all of you. Without you ladies today this thread could have had a very bad and potentially tragic eending for me.
Thankyou
Laurence
