Relationship Cautious Hope

[R.Quartz]

Hello -- I've been with my sufferer girlfriend for over 6 months now. The stability of the relationship has been very slowly increasing over time, but not without bouts of destructive alcohol binges which deal pretty significant blows to our well-being. If that's not enough, she is often deceitful about alcohol consumption, usually claiming after the fact that she was not even aware that she was lying about it at the time. She cites severe depression and PTSD as the source of these issues, and has been open to the idea of seeking help. The trouble has always been that without a job and health insurance, money has always been an issue with getting any kind of therapy. That said, we've had an increasing number of good days without incident.

Recently she got a full-time job in her field of choice which has made me extremely proud and excited. I feel that it will go great lengths to improve her self-confidence. A week into it, however, there has been perhaps a slight increase in mood, but a severe decrease in interest for therapy or other type of focus on healthy living, as though the job itself was the much-needed fix-all. I am hopeful that it will indeed play a big role in adding stability, but I'm afraid of the false sense of security that it has brought, and I don't know how to discuss that without sounding like I'm being negative about the new job, which she has already begun to irrationally accuse me of.

Any thoughts?

 

[open eyes]

It's easy to stop going to therapy or stop taking meds, for some people, when you think you're "better." Continuing therapy even when you're generally improving helps you maintain that trend, rather than crashing & burning after the high. You're in a really tough spot... I guess all you can do is suggest to her that she sticks with her treatment so that she can keep the ground that she's won.

 

[nursenurse]

The bottom line is, she is deluding herself if she is not getting help. And your relationship will not likely stand the test of time unless she is willing to work on herself. Even then it is a crapshoot.

She is the only one that can fix herself, seek healing for herself. There is not enough info here to comment on your dynamics, but could you be helping her too much, maybe be co dependent, so that it is easy for her to put off getting help?

You have to take care of yourself in the midst of this. Alcohol is obviously not her friend, she could try AA if she wants help for that aspect. PTSD or not, she chooses to indulge in that kind of behaviour. And it is a very hard addiction to beat. But it can be done.

For yourself, you need some help. You could also try Al Anon, which is a support group for families of alcoholics. You are not alone in that struggle, and I believe they can help you identify your enabling behaviours as well. You do not have to, and should not, be accepting her lies. She sounds in denial, and the sad thing is many sufferers will not seek help until they hit their own rock bottom. I hope this won't be your experience.

Grab a copy of "the PTSD Relationship" by Dianne England. It is an easy read with lots of good info that can help you better understand PTSD. Pretty cheap on Amazon.

Good luck. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm glad you are reaching out for support. I think you have a lot of good insights into things.

I'm going to offer one piece of advice that may be hard to hear, and even harder to do: don't try to rescue her from the consequences of her untreated symptoms or behaviors (like drinking and whatever else is going on).

Let her hit rock bottom and then she will get help. Until then, she will likely find one reason or another to put off getting help. I didn't have a substance use problem, but I did have to hit my own rock bottom of sorts before I finally did whatever it took to get treatment, and to really invest myself into that treatment. I had been looking into getting treatment before I hit my own rock bottom, but I always had a reason to put it off or not really try. I figured all kinds of other things would help enough and I often deluded myself about how much pain I was really in. I only got help when people around me stopped trying to rescue me or help me themselves.

In the meantime, until she does get help, I would recommend that you go to Al-anon, regardless if she is ready to go to AA. It really helped me figure out how to respond to my own loved ones who had PTSD and other mental health issues that they resorted to drinking alcohol or other behaviors to self medicate or distract from the pain. And it's free!

I would not even bother trying to convince her right now about the job not being the cure to the underlying problems. Her denial is going to be too great and it's going to distract from the real issues. I would focus on your relationship with her and what you need in that relationship. Be specific about what behaviors you are not ok with and your boundaries. I have been clear with friends who drink I won't be around them for a time when they do drunk dial me.

Sometimes people with PTSD do develop all kinds of ways to self medicate and distract from the pain. It's common for people with substance use problems to be in denial about it and to lie to others about it too. I know from personal experience how hard it can be to endure a loved one who is acting out in these ways. It's predictable ways of behaving, but still painful.

 

[R.Quartz]

Thanks for all of the advice. She is skeptical but willing to go to AA because she knows it will make me feel better. I have looked into Al-Anon as well and I want to start attending asap. More than the drinking, the deceit is what really bothers me. I have never been wrong about immediately spotting when she has been drinking (it's pretty obvious, her behavior shifts pretty radically), and yet she thinks she can still hide it. Even whenever I call her out on it, she denies it until the next day when she sobers up and apologizes for it. I've read a lot of books at this point and have lurked here on the forums well enough to comfortably handle a flashback situation, but it's the alcohol abuse that is really draining me.

 

[nursenurse]

Remember she has to go for herself, and not because you made her go. Otherwise she will just sit there and say "That isn't me." However, maybe some of the stories will strike her.

Deceit sucks, because honestly I would be wondering about what else she is lying about. It just erodes your trust period. But then deceit is a part of addiction. Is it possible drugs are involved as well?

 

[R.Quartz]

Well, because of money issues, she ended up moving in with me a lot sooner than I was comfortable with. As a result, I do know her vices quite well, and at this time I'm certain it is just alcohol, cigarettes, and her prescribed prozac and xanax. I'm aware that alcohol effects exacerbated with these medications.

 

[nursenurse]

Not good, really, that she moved in sooner because of money issues. Had you not been there, what would she have done? Is she contributing to the household now that she has a job? Do you guys make ends meet comfortably? What I am getting at is where is the money for the alcohol and smokes coming from? Are there bills and such that have to be neglected because of her addictions? And does she carry a sense of entitlement to be able to carry on however she wants to, even within the confines of your relationship, because she is working?

 

[R.Quartz]

I totally agree with what you are saying. The new job is only a few days old, so income hasn't really arrived yet. She's had part time jobs here and there in the meantime which is where the alcohol and cig budget comes from. She knows that once her new job starts paying that I want to start dividing some of the household expenses, even if just starting with things like covering her own cell phone bill, let alone helping with the rent. Until then, I'm the sole provider; I'm able to afford all of the bills, but it doesn't leave a whole lot for things like therapy which is high priority for me.

Had I not been there, her option would have been to move back to her parents' place which was a very negative environment that she wanted to leave behind.

 

[Justmehere]

Go to Al-anon ASAP. She knows AA is an option and if she was really willing and ready to change, she would be there by now. I would also encourage you to read anything you can about co-dependency.

You are living with and supporting and enabling an addict. Are you ready to change?

It may be the only way she will ever get help. Right now, she doesn't even have to pay rent, she has no motivation to change because her life is just comfortable enough. Alcohol and cigarettes are not cheap. If she had the money for them, then she had money for therapy. Maybe it would have meant giving up those, but when someone is really willing to heal from PTSD, they would do that.

Life with an addict takes strong boundaries and what some would call tough love. It takes a lot of work on oneself for most people get through in a healthy manner. It means not doing things like paying for her part of the bills, even if she doesn't have a job. It would not be unkind to set a boundary like she had to either be paying for 1/2 the bills or therapy or to move out - job or no job. If her drinking is enough she is giving lip service to being willing to go to AA there is no doubt her drinking and untreated PTSD affected her ability to find a job faster. If she had not had you paying for a roof over her head, she would have been faced with the consequnces of her drinking sooner.

Until she has to do that, then she is going to continue to be in denial. She is going to continue lying. It is working for her.

I really understand how you are trying to help, and your heart is very much in the right place. But what she really needs to get well is for you to stop rescuing her and paying for things for her and cushioning her from facing consequences of her drinking.

Otherwise, because of the way addiction works, I don't see any chance of her changing. She is medicating a huge amount of pain. It is really hard to face the pain behind PTSD symptoms. Right now it is easier for her to avoid it and to keep mooching off of you and keep self medicating - that hurts less than facing the pain she is in and the trauma.

When consequences of drinking and her untreated PTSD symptoms hurts more than the pain of facing the trauma, that's when she will most likely get help. That's how it commonly happens for people with substance use problems.

In the end, you can't change, control her, or cure her. You can do everything to help her in every way, but you can't change her. You can only change you.



(edited to fix spelling errors)

 

[nursenurse]

Wow, Justmehere, beat me to the punch. I could not have said it better. Perhaps some counselling for you as well beyond Al Anon.