Celibacy

[MycroftSH]

Hello everyone. I'm new and looking for guidance.
I'm a (out) gay priest/professor (allowed in my denomination), divorced, with 3 full time kids. I've been dating a great guy since October and we live together. He's 20 years younger than me.
At first I found it frustrating that we've only had sex a few times in 8 months and he seemed to hate it (actually, I still find that frustrating). We are in 2 months into couples' counseling and our therapist realized that "B" has PTSD - probably sex-abuse. But "B" seems afraid to discover the cause. Here are a few of the symptoms:
1. Alcohol abuse (he gave it up since February)
2. He used to be quite promiscuous, using sex to get favors (apartments, exotic trips, gifts, etc). Unfortunately, he contracted HIV along the way.
3. He can touch me, but I cannot touch him.
4. He has slept in the guest room for the last two months.
5. We haven't even tried having sex again since then.
6. He doesn't even masturbate - totally asexual.
At first, I went into a really dark head-space, convincing myself it was Me - unattractive, etc despite his assurances "it's not you, it's me". Now I believe him. Odd as it sounds (quite a back story), I was a celibate monk from age 19-29. But that was "chosen" celibacy, this isn't. I'm finding the total lack of sex/intimacy/affection really difficult. He's told me I can try a secret open-relationship if I want but that feels hollow - I'm not good at detaching sex from intimacy/affection. We love each other and I don't want to ruin that. We talk about the problem a lot, but nothing changes.
This sexual frustration (on my part) does weird things to me: grumpiness at him, the kids, life in general. At times it has even made me feel hopeless and depressed. I foolishly, at one point, even considered taking hormonal mess to lower my libido because I'd reached a point where I was so lonely I caught myself thinking "I'd rather just be dead" - but that probably had more to do with my brother's suicide in January (ironically, he was terrified about coming out of the closet - another long story).
I'm trying my best to support a nurture "B" through this. He is trying and we are in therapy. But the progress is very slow and I'm not sure how to channel all my libido in the meantime without being so irritable and frustrated.
I have 2 jobs, the kids, and lots of hobbies.
I exercise and am quite fit - but I've stopped going to the gym with "B" (he goes every day). I suddenly realized how sexualized going to the gym was for me - trying to look more attractive, and working out around a bunch of gorgeous men, locker room, etc. I had to stop going because it had too many triggers that were just making me more and more frustrated.
I really want our relationship to work, but it is so one-sided (physically and emotionally). His PTSD has made him so asexual and I obviously have a fairly high libido. Advice?

 

[Lilukob]

What has made the therapist diagnose PTSD? There's a very clear diagnostic criteria and the things you've listed, other than contracting HIV (crit A trauma) don't fall under the criteria.

Rather than working from a place of PTSD at the moment - you can't really treat PTSD in couples therapy - focus on the challenges in your relationship, which may be about trauma or may not be. You've said you're 20 years older than your partner, how old is he? It may an age/stage/development thing if he's a relatively young adult.

 

[Uhow]

Sexual dysfunction due to abuse can occur. It has in my case... both mental/emotional and also physical (I'm a woman). I've been celibate in marriage for over a decade. My mister decided he loved me and chose to stay devoted to me as he had realized that for many other couples... there's other aspects of intimacy. But that was his choice. I think you might want to decide if it's a deal breaker for you and have the discussion with your partner.

 

[MycroftSH]

He's 30, I'm 50. The PTSD was not an official diagnosis, but more hypothetical at this point. My instinct tells me it is likely.

 

[Apubej]

There are lots of issues that impact someone's libido, ptsd is just one option and I can't see why you've latched on to that. What symptoms do you see that make you think it is.

Trauma absolutely can impact someone's sex drive, so can a myriad of physical illnesses and impairments, most mental health issues put a dent in your sex drive and/or your ability to enjoy sex. You don't need to say here why you think it's PTSD, but in the absence of formal diagnosis it's unwise to act like he has PTSD when it could easily be 100 other things.

In terms of your own libido while he is struggling sexually, presumably you've always had a high sex drive? How did you cope when you were celibate by choice? Are there strategies you can use from that time to help you cope? Have you considered that your partner might not ever want sex and could you live with that if that's how it turned out?

 

[Uvu]

I think the healthiest and most realistic approach to any relationship is to accept someone as they are. If you dated less than a year and are already in therapy, well, is that really a good way to start the rest of your forever-together? Waiting and hoping for someone to change is not fair to either party. It may sound insensitive but I am witnessing a good friend going thru the same struggle, having opted out of a healthy relationship for the complex, challenging and frustrating one. There is a good chance that IF the changes you are looking for are possible, it could take a very long time, which is yet another reason to love the one you're with vs loving his potential or the man he might be. It also means being honest with yourself about whether you can openly accept the restrictions that come with that decision because this might be as good as it gets.