helbredelse
Learning
I'm not sure if this is the right place for this.
I had actually joined this site about eight years ago when I was first diagnosed with PTSD under a different account. I hadn't been on in years due to a high conflict divorce and so on. I had a lot on my plate. Recently I decided to come back after being retraumatized. I made the decision to create a new account because my ex husband had created an account for himself as a supporter back then. I didn't want to risk him finding me here again because over the last eight years I realized he is not a safe person for me. Per my therapist and different marriage counselors, he is emotionally abusive to me. That is one of the reasons why I divorced him. We do have children together. Per the divorce decree, he does have time with them. It's been rough over the years but I've managed to parallel parent instead of co-parenting since he's very controlling, manipulative, and still emotionally abusive to me.
He learned of the recent event that retraumatized me. Thankfully, I don't think he realized how bad it was for me and that the stress triggered my PTSD in a really bad way. We use a parenting app to discuss things about the children when necessary. However, over the years he also uses it to attack me as a person. I have someone I trust that does intercept all of his messages for me so he doesn't trigger me. My friend told me this. My ex wrote to me that he was sorry to hear what happened and that if I need to talk, he would listen because he cares. A giant red flag went up instantly in my head. So we decided to ignore it. Unfortunately, a few days later when I was triggered and in a self destructive mode, I read some of his recent messages and he got inside my head again. It took me a few days to reframe (not sure that's the right word) what he was saying to me.
I'm paraphrasing here. He "yelled" at me for kicking him in the face because he was being nice and I ignored him. He tried to shame me for having PTSD and told me that my attorney (long story) shouldn't believe anything I say because I'm the one with PTSD, not him. He told me that what happened to me was my fault and that if I had just listened to him on what I need to do to fix myself, then it wouldn't have happened to me. That I am a horrible person and that I deserved everything that happened to me. That I'm so horrible that when the kids move out, they will never want to have anything to do with me ever again. That this is karma and I deserve it. That I always need to be right and I never take his advice (its all unsolicited). That I use the kids as pawns. That I always play the victim and refuse to take any responsibility for anything. That I will end up alone and miserable because I brought it all on myself. He also throws in things like he's glad I'm in therapy but to make sure I tell them that I lied about my entire life. That I was never abused by anyone. And he says he's telling me all of this because he "cares" and it's "tough love".
A friend of mine had to help show me that none of that is caring or "tough love". There is nothing in there that shows compassion or care for someone. That he's likely projecting his own insecurities onto me and making himself feel better by kicking me when I'm down. That I should most definitely not listen to him. That I know myself better than anyone. That it's up to me to determine what I need to work on for my own healing, not him or anyone else except maybe my therapist.
I'm working on journaling and challenging his assertions about me. Does anyone have any ideas how I can work on this as well? I've been trying to take a good look at myself and trying to ask myself if any of those things are honestly true about me. I know I'm not perfect and that is okay. I know what happened to me happened. That he's likely trying to rewrite my own history and gaslight me. It really makes my head spin at times. Any ideas are much appreciated.
I also caught myself looking up his posts from years ago as a supporter. Back then he portrayed himself as a loving, caring husband supporting his wife. Behind closed doors, it was completely different. It felt like he used what he learned as ammo against me and why I was a horrible person and that I would always be broken unless I did what he told me to do. That he knew me better than I knew myself. So I've been trying to tell myself that reading those old posts does not serve any good purpose. That it won't help me now and the last thing I want to do is trigger myself again.
Thank you for reading all of this.
I had actually joined this site about eight years ago when I was first diagnosed with PTSD under a different account. I hadn't been on in years due to a high conflict divorce and so on. I had a lot on my plate. Recently I decided to come back after being retraumatized. I made the decision to create a new account because my ex husband had created an account for himself as a supporter back then. I didn't want to risk him finding me here again because over the last eight years I realized he is not a safe person for me. Per my therapist and different marriage counselors, he is emotionally abusive to me. That is one of the reasons why I divorced him. We do have children together. Per the divorce decree, he does have time with them. It's been rough over the years but I've managed to parallel parent instead of co-parenting since he's very controlling, manipulative, and still emotionally abusive to me.
He learned of the recent event that retraumatized me. Thankfully, I don't think he realized how bad it was for me and that the stress triggered my PTSD in a really bad way. We use a parenting app to discuss things about the children when necessary. However, over the years he also uses it to attack me as a person. I have someone I trust that does intercept all of his messages for me so he doesn't trigger me. My friend told me this. My ex wrote to me that he was sorry to hear what happened and that if I need to talk, he would listen because he cares. A giant red flag went up instantly in my head. So we decided to ignore it. Unfortunately, a few days later when I was triggered and in a self destructive mode, I read some of his recent messages and he got inside my head again. It took me a few days to reframe (not sure that's the right word) what he was saying to me.
I'm paraphrasing here. He "yelled" at me for kicking him in the face because he was being nice and I ignored him. He tried to shame me for having PTSD and told me that my attorney (long story) shouldn't believe anything I say because I'm the one with PTSD, not him. He told me that what happened to me was my fault and that if I had just listened to him on what I need to do to fix myself, then it wouldn't have happened to me. That I am a horrible person and that I deserved everything that happened to me. That I'm so horrible that when the kids move out, they will never want to have anything to do with me ever again. That this is karma and I deserve it. That I always need to be right and I never take his advice (its all unsolicited). That I use the kids as pawns. That I always play the victim and refuse to take any responsibility for anything. That I will end up alone and miserable because I brought it all on myself. He also throws in things like he's glad I'm in therapy but to make sure I tell them that I lied about my entire life. That I was never abused by anyone. And he says he's telling me all of this because he "cares" and it's "tough love".
A friend of mine had to help show me that none of that is caring or "tough love". There is nothing in there that shows compassion or care for someone. That he's likely projecting his own insecurities onto me and making himself feel better by kicking me when I'm down. That I should most definitely not listen to him. That I know myself better than anyone. That it's up to me to determine what I need to work on for my own healing, not him or anyone else except maybe my therapist.
I'm working on journaling and challenging his assertions about me. Does anyone have any ideas how I can work on this as well? I've been trying to take a good look at myself and trying to ask myself if any of those things are honestly true about me. I know I'm not perfect and that is okay. I know what happened to me happened. That he's likely trying to rewrite my own history and gaslight me. It really makes my head spin at times. Any ideas are much appreciated.
I also caught myself looking up his posts from years ago as a supporter. Back then he portrayed himself as a loving, caring husband supporting his wife. Behind closed doors, it was completely different. It felt like he used what he learned as ammo against me and why I was a horrible person and that I would always be broken unless I did what he told me to do. That he knew me better than I knew myself. So I've been trying to tell myself that reading those old posts does not serve any good purpose. That it won't help me now and the last thing I want to do is trigger myself again.
Thank you for reading all of this.