Changing Thought Processes. Good Or Bad?

[Thinkingman85]

One of the issues I've had is being able to trust my thought processes. It is said that one should change them if something new is learned and can be used to his or her advantage. However, what if they were threatened by another person and you changed them out of sheer survival?

I always feel like I want to reconnect with certain processes, but when I was behaving according to them some people were deceptive and emotionally challenging. Now, if I ever want to feel comfortable with who I am I know that those people are there to emotionally attack me. I shouldn't have to change who I am for anyone. I should change because I want to.

I miss the way I used to think. I had a 4.0 in college, but after the trauma, I haven't been been able to let go of the paranoia that people will try to be emotionally deceptive. So, I'm not able to be in the present moment as much and think with as much clarity. My mind is always focused on the trauma so I can't be as open as I SHOULD. Because of this, I have decided to harness my pain into music. My belief is that if I can't get rid of the pain, I will let it propel me into something productive. Still, living this pain-based lifestyle is different than how I used to live. That is why I'm in such a dilemma.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Hi Thinkingman! I am sorry you are having a hard time changing the way and thinking and being able to be present. I have been working on training my thoughts so I believe it is good because it does work. It just takes patience and practice. Like you I had a 4.0 for my first 2 years of college. After a few years out of college because of issues I am now back in and have been for 2 years.

I have learned to be more in control of my moods and be more present. I realize when you think something bad it gets you no where. It keeps your trapped in that horrible memory. Time flies by when you do that and it is hard to break that cycle. But I do believe the power of the mind and connecting that to the body in order to stay present and actually enjoy my life. Is this the way I want to live? No, I don't think anyone does, but it sure is teaching me how resilient I am.

I have the POWER now because I am the adult and I CAN change my thoughts so nothing can bring me down or hurt me and even if they do F**k them my mind is powerful, I will be okay because I am always okay because I am in control and take responsibility of my emotional health because well I am the only one that can truly change that and be happy. This is just a random vent about what I do and my mentality behind changing thoughts. It is not going to happen all the time but slowly you start looking back and you see how far you have come. And my god is that beautiful.

I use medication from a psychiatrist, I do 2 forms of therapy and take breaks when I need them and I don't rush myself, I do yoga everyday because it is honestly my medicine. I treat it as medicine and now if I skip I will be out of whack. It keeps me in the present. I never would have pictured myself becoming the yoga type but you know what? It works and I would rather be that type of person than miserable.

Yes, the work is hard but you look around and you see all this bad shit in the world, real bad shit, and it is so god damn hard sometimes and fighting your demons and the monsters in your head and you get dizzy, you get tired, you get BORED, you get anxious, you get restless, you get this and you get that and its all bad crap and it wont stop everywhere you go and you get triggered and everything is in full blast because you are just waiting for someone to screw with you but with yoga all that stops and you become still and to be able to practice being still in this crazy messed up world is just not what a lot of people can do, that is great, those types of experiences is what changes humanity. It's good dude.

 

[ashdawn8287]

And yeah I read self help books because you know what? They do work. Is that how I want to live either? Nah, but it helps.

 

[Thinkingman85]

ashdawn8287, I'm glad things are going well for you. We are on the same page. I also read self help books. Tony Robbins, Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, and Eckharte Tolle are all good. The main dilemma I deal with is believing that even if were completely healed the world wouldn't care anyway.

A large reason I became damaged was because of a general overall feeling that I wasn't being appreciated as a person as I should have been. Because of that, I have been hesitant to just "stick with the script" and do what the average person does because I don't think I could handle that feeling of abandonment. Instead, I do things that people have told me "there is no chance of making it" in. I've built my own music empire online. If it weren't for my PTSD, I wouldn't have been able to do it.

I see PTSD as a blessing in the sense that it lets you have an idea of how the world thinks. Still, nobody should have to have these feelings. There will be a day when they are resolved, but it always seems like peoples' overall lack of caring are the reason they aren't. It's either that or I'm not strong enough to handle the real world and I take things too personally or blow them out of proportion. This confusion has led me to the conclusion that it is the evil in the world that has led me to PTSD.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I can relate to that, like every single word, minus the music. I feel like I am on a different level than most people because I have looked evil in the face. I think evil has led me to PTSD as well. It is scary seeing evil and you are right it does let you see how the world thinks but the frustrating thing is there aren't a lot of us out there. I wish we could open everyone's eyes up and call for a change, maybe you can with your music. And honestly the world doesn't care that you are healed, but you aren't alone and it is a big deal to people like us on the forum to know someone is healing. Don't stay stagnant. Who gives a shit if the world doesn't care? I care, people on here care,the people who love us care, it may be small in the grand scheme of things but the little things are the best things.

 

[Thinkingman85]

ashdawn8287, That's the hardest thing thing to accept. That the world won't care. I think the the reason that I make music is to prove the world wrong. I want to prove that people can care about each other. Personally, it's hard for me to keep motivated if the world that I work hard in doesn't care. I think it's just a part of who I am. With pain comes a deeper understanding and more maturity. You're right about making a change with music. That's ALL that I do, lol. Here's one of my music videos. It's about the corrupt system and exposes lies and hidden agendas.

 

[Spiderallis]

Thanks for sharing your music, and for making such great music. It's amazing to turn ptsd into that, you're some kind of alchemist.

There are people who care. They're kind of outnumbered, but they're not extinct. It's not easy to find where they're hiding from all the evil and awfulness, but keep doing things you care about and you'll run into them. Do you get out to perform your music? Connecting with other musicians could be a good thing. Expressing things that way is like speaking another language, might be easier to understand each other.

From what I've seen of you around the forum, I appreciate the way you think- you've got a deeper awareness and understanding than a lot of people do. It's up to you if you'd like to give that up, but finding other folks who can see things in similar ways is another option.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Spideralis, thanks for the kind words. Yes, I've performed in Pittsburgh and Columbus. Honestly, having a deeper awareness seems to be a hindrance. It's hard because I have trouble connecting with people. I used to to live according to how they lived, but that was when I was treated unfairly. I usually envy giving up my deeper awareness, but I don't know if I could do it. There's always a feeling that if I do so, my life would work out. However, I wouldn't be able to make music or relate to people a certain way. I honestly think that I'm too damaged to change who I am. I'd have to enter areas of memory that would be so traumatizing that life would probably be seen as a nightmare. That's PTSD though. It's like you want to get rid of all of the bad memories, but they're always there attacking you. And if you try remove them, they are overpowering. I tend to not like myself because I think so deeply into things. It's like my brain does it even though I don't want it to. Also, it's very hard to let go of past mistakes. I usually think that I won't be successful because of them. I think, "If I made such big mistakes and was so ignorant of people's deceptive behavior toward me, how can I handle success?"