Chaos

[shimmerz]

It doesn't seem to matter what I do, everything around me seems to be in total chaos. I was at one time an extremely organized person. Things just 'clicked' around me. It didn't feel like this. The best laid plans these days seem to go to hell in a handbasket because of external forces and for the life of me I cannot figure out how to get any small thing to just 'go right'. Why?

I push myself to keep things organized. I look at what effect something will have if I don't look ahead. I feel like I do a pretty good job, all things considered. I have to be missing something. It snowed this weekend. I am staying at my son's house and he has a snowblower. I made arrangements so I would know how to use it because physically I am very weak right now. Snowblower did not work. I shoveled and just about killed myself doing so. He has a very large driveway and there was a ton of snow.

This morning I went to sweep off and start my car so that I could 'go out' which is a huge stress as it is for me right now. Car wouldn't start. Really?

Two days ago I was moving from one house to another (always a huge stress and usually debilitating) and I turned into the biggest drama queen known to mankind. Tears. hyperventilating, crying like a little kid. Come on....get a grip.

It seems like anything that is anything but the norm these days of completely cocooned turned into complete chaos regardless of how I try to prepare for it thoughtfully. Anybody?

 

[WillyKat]

It's like that sometimes. I know that feeling too well. My recommendation is to find someplace comfortable and safe and just breathe for a little while. Breathe very deeply. Then do it again.

Set all these issues aside; they'll be there after your break. Put them away for a bit and just focus on the here and the now. Just notice five things around you w/o feeling any need to fix them, change them, clean them. Just let them be. Then focus only on the present, there is no past, no future, just now.

On days like this, we get anxious, then we stop breathing, then we see the future and the past as one continuous chaos. Because we're not breathing, the anxiety gets worse. So breathe.

After your break, take on the issues one at a time (cuz in reality, you can't do two).

 

[scout86]

I have to get moving and get to work. But, I saw "chaos" and "@shimmerz" and couldn't resist. I LOVE chaos and shimmerz I'm rather fond of you too.

I love chaos because it's my life and I know what to do with it. Organization scares me. A story for another day.

I know the feeling you're describing, I think. "Exhaustion", physical and mental is usually a factor, when I stop myself long enough to look closely. Please accept this reminder that you've been through a lot recently. If you were advising someone else, you'd most likely suggest they take it easy. Listen to that. REST. Really, it makes a difference.

Awhile back, when I was "not sleeping" pretty regularly, I mentioned to my T that I was fighting to stay awake during the day, and couldn't sleep at night. He inquired as to the reason I was fighting to stay awake during the day. "Huh?" He said "Take a nap." He said that it sounded to him like I was over tired and when you get over tired you can't sleep, ??? When I asked for an explanation he said, "You know, like a little kid?" Welllll. He was right. 20 minute nap for a few days when I was falling asleep and I could sleep at night.

Does the way you're feeling remind you at all of a small child who's exhausted and really needs rest but doesn't want to MISS something?

Now that I've dawdled long enough to make myself late and ensure some level of chaos for the rest of the day........ :hug:

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF SHIMMERZ!!!!!!!!

 

[Casey_03]

@shimmerz - I've been going through a chaos phase lately too. For the past several weeks. It's started to feel like the universe is actively conspiring against me or punishing me. I used to go through my day working for the best outcome of everything - work, personal life, whatever. But now I just aim to make it home to my bed at night and through the night. I've sort of given up on everything else. I have wound up hyperventilating and sobbing over the most minor stuff as well. The only thing that has even slightly helped is grounding techniques. I've also been thinking a lot about the author Samuel Beckett, who sort of made it a joke in all his novels about how wrong everything seems to go ... all the time. And how absurd the universe can be in just basically skewering people with chaos. I try to laugh about it all, but it's hard. Anyway, you're not alone. Hope it gets better.

 

[sun seeker]

It seems like anything that is anything but the norm these days of completely cocooned turned into complete chaos regardless of how I try to prepare for it thoughtfully. Anybody?

Sorry @shimmerz. I have times like that too. My thought is, I wonder whether part of it is you're feeling so stressed with everything else that's going on, that things not working around you feels bigger and more chaotic than it would otherwise. If you're physically not very strong for instance, something like the snowblower not working is exhausting. I know I have times when I'm physically and emotionally fragile, when breaking a cup or finding a hole in my sock is enough to make me cry. I used to completely break down at times like this, but I'm learning to take a deep breath or several, take a break, and tell myself "you're doing great, one thing at a time". Could it be your stress cup is just full to overflowing at the moment? Just a thought.

 

[Recovery4Me]

(((Shimmerz)))

Grieving takes time to ebb. When one can neither battle nor build- it is time to light a safe, warm fire (or place inside of your heart). And by this glow, polish your armor for another day.

We can not defend nor teach fully, that which we do not understand. Take for yourself the time, that snowy Mother Nature is insistent upon giving to you. ;) Rest, feel the tears and whispers of your heart. Know that change and wisdom is not passive nor is the magic infused - to ready you again.:hug:

Soon, in due season...the pattern will bear the familiar rhythm as you say that 'clicks'. For now...rest, breathe and shine.

 

[Eleanor]

Perhaps instead of viewing the snafus as hostile, you could reframe them, and interpret them as the universe INSISTING that you REST. ???

 

[shimmerz]

REST is such a four letter word for me. I seriously couldn't say whether I am well rested right now or not. I know I am melting down quite a bit at night time, which is excellent in comparison to my going catatonic just a few months ago. It is a real step and I should be grateful. It is new and uncomfortable, as the catatonia usually has me sleep through it. I haven't posted for a couple of nights because I am feeling so damned needy. I suck at needy.

I expected with moving locations that I would have issues. But today took me by surprise. I didn't expect a meltdown in the day time. I felt as if I have really tried to think ahead - to figure out my needs so that the chaos would dissipate just a bit. No. The universe (or whatever other great force I am working with here) seems to be conspiring against me fairly consistently. I feel like I have been doing my part. I am thinking things through well - anticipating, and logic does seem to prevail these days. But everything around me is breaking....what is that????

In all honesty, I am performing so much better cognizantly, I am thinking things through so chaos does not prevail. Could whatever it is that is in charge of this damned universe not cut me a break for a mere 24 hours? I am doing my part for crying out loud!!!!!! Breathe, ground, sleep, take it easy, don't be scared no matter how many reasons there are to be so, cry if I need to, be grateful.....rinse and repeat. Tears wiped. On wards. Thank you for your never ending support, each of you.

 

[sun seeker]

Application to Universe Or Whomsoever it May Concern,

Insofar as shimmerz has been doing her part above and beyond the call of duty in the interests of her own healing and wellbeing as well as for the support of those around her, I do hereby call your attention to this case and express my sincere hope that you will see fit to set right her recent run of bad luck, and correct this error forthwith by sending a greater amount of health, happiness, calm, prosperity, and other such things as are beneficial to her situation, at your earliest convenience.

yours truly,
sun seeker

There. Sorted.

 

[shimmerz]

Not until everyone signs it, it isn't!!!!!

Seriously, I am killing myself laughing here @sun seeker. I didn't realize that you could write the universe! Who gave you THAT bit of info????? See?????? Nobody tells me 'nuthin'. Case and point!!!!! I am taking me and my marbles home now.

 

[sun seeker]

Sorry @shimmerz, it was in the orientation session you missed.

Seriously, I used to say it felt like everyone but me had gone through some sort of "How to Live on Earth 101" course, and I'd missed it. Sometimes I still feel like that.

It just came out, but if you read Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love, there is a part where she is going through a nasty divorce and her friend tells her to write out a petition to God asking for the situation to be resolved in the best way possible, and they do a visualization session where they imagine everyone they know (and don't) signing it. She falls asleep then, and when she wakes up, her phone is ringing. It's her lawyer telling her that her ex has just signed the divorce papers he'd been stalling on for months.

So everybody, get signing the petition!

 

[Eleanor]

Application to Universe Or Whomsoever it May Concern,

Insofar as shimmerz has been doing her part above and beyond the call of duty in the interests of her own healing and wellbeing as well as for the support of those around her, I do hereby call your attention to this case and express my sincere hope that you will see fit to set right her recent run of bad luck, and correct this error forthwith by sending a greater amount of health, happiness, calm, prosperity, and other such things as are beneficial to her situation, at your earliest convenience.

With enthusiastic support,
Eleanor (electronic signature approved)