Cheating

[Songbird]

Yep. He does deserve the same. :)

So now that you two are being super honest with each other;

- What a...

Being that this has just unraveled, I don't think we're clear yet on what we each want/need or should do. I spoke with my therapist last night and she agreed we should let things breathe for a bit so we can have clarity of mind. I know I want him to see a commitment from him to work this out, and if he agreed to counseling, that's great..but I'm gonna wait a little to see if he'll come to that realization on his own. He actually had nerve yesterday to say that he doesn't want to have to deal with any BS or go through a whole process because of what has happened because he's already had to deal with so much with me hurting him during my ptsd episodes. I'm being realistic in knowing that we're both really upset and full of emotion right now, so what we say may be coming from that space. But I also know that if he continues to serious think that way after some time, and think that that means he doesn't have work to do, then he's wrong and I can't have that. I take full responsibility for the ways I've hurt him, but I will not take responsibility for his cheating. I need to see a commitment.

If he's willing to try therapy, there is a chance.

If not, I'd say you two are dead in the water...

I understand what you're saying.

 

[Beans]

. So now we're both here humbled and broken. We know that we love each other and want to be together but we don't know if it'll work now.

Well, definitely take a breather and stabilize, but then try to get into couples counseling (and individual.) The upside is it's up to you both whether it will work out. Imo, there's little chance of it working without outside help (it's really hard to change relat dynamics on your own once they've gone down hill.) Hopefully, if he is dedicated to making it work, you'll be able to get the help you need and salvage it. But I want you to know, even if it doesn't work out with him, it's going to be ok. In any case, I'm rooting for you. Really hope it works out. :)

 

[Songbird]

Thanks so much. I've been in individual therapy for about 8 months now. I agree we should get couples counseling too. We shall see.

 

[dulcia]

He actually had nerve yesterday to say that he doesn't want to have to deal with any BS or go through a whole process because of what has happened because he's already had to deal with so much

Sounds like he could be minimizing his cheating here, which might not be a good sign.

 

[Songbird]

Sounds like he could be minimizing his cheating here, which might not be a good sign.

Probably was, but like I said, we were both reeling from everything and not emotionally stable or thinking clearly. Now that a little time has passed, we're communicating better. He's searching for a marriage counselor and individual therapy for himself.

 

[whattodowithhim]

I will keep this simple. I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER understand WHO COULD STAY WITH a cheater. They are not in love with you to do that. You can never trust them again. Without love and trust, you have NOTHING. This is a dreadful, miserable situation. Two desperate, broken people with nothing, clinging on through fear of being alone. Sad, sad, sad. Been through it, you will never look at each other the same again. Count your losses, move on to what you deserve. To be graphic, how can you let him put it in you, knowing it was in another's woman's vagina!!!!!! I would vomit, OMG yuck. Repulsive. He shared things with another woman that were only for you. He also showed you who he was when times are tough. This is not a man. This is a weak little boy you will never respect again, not he you if you stay. You need to be alone for a while, fix yourself and when the time is right, God will bring someone into your life. This is toxic, unhealthy and again, NOT proper love.

 

[Songbird]

I will keep this simple. I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER understand WHO CO...

I'm sorry but you're speaking from a place of bitterness which is not constructive at all. There's a better way to speak your opinion. Some ppl split and it was the right decision for them, and some work it out and have a greater relationship for it. I'm not upset by your response but I'd be more careful when posting to people on a ptsd forum.

 

[whattodowithhim]

He put his cock in another woman!! You should be bitter too!! Angry!!! Outraged and kicking him to the curb. Don't like my opinions? Don't put your shit on here. Smh. You choose your own misery. I'm not going to advise you to stay as I think it's pathetic.

 

[Supervixn]

I'm sorry but you're speaking from a place of bitterness which is not constructive at all. There's a better way

I have to commend you, Songbird, on your forgiving and constructive attitude toward this entire ordeal you're facing. My heart hurts for you and I cannot imagine how this must feel for you... everytime I check into this post it just is upsetting as a fellow woman to imagine how you're getting through.

I cannot say I would be as committed to working things out if I were in your shoes, which only speaks volumes to your love of this man and your appreciation for the best aspects of your relationship.

I really hope things are improving a little and that you and your partner are at least moving in the direction of finding some good help. He is blessed to have you. Hang in there

 

[Deleted member 42783]

@whattodowithhim
I'm sorry that you've had to experience such a betrayal. Your post is very painful to read. Still, there is hope for relationships where infidelity has been a factor. They can heal and couples can move forward. Not every time but it is possible.

While I understand that you can't imagine a wife wanting her husband back, its not exactly helpful to tell a couple that's considering reconciliation that its impossible. Or sad for that matter.
People are very imperfect. Sometimes its easy to judge others for their sins when its not a personal weakness of our own.

 

[whattodowithhim]

It is sad. Sad that she doesn't feel she can do better. He is not in love with her. Or he never could have done it. It's like I said, toxic and unhealthy, it's not a reflection of love for him, rather a lack of real love for herself and a fear of being alone and starting over.

I'm out. My words stand.

Oh, I didn't mention it. People are in love with the idea of who someone is, rather than reality. Even when they see the truth, they cling to the idea.

Now, I'm out.

 

[Songbird]

I have to commend you, Songbird, on your forgiving and constructive attitude toward this entire ordea...

Thank you for your kind words. Compassion helps tremendously. I think the thing about tragedies is that no one really knows what they would do unless they were in that predicament. As of right now, I'm choosing to stay for two reasons: 1)making a hasty life-changing decision is never healthy. I would only cause myself more trauma, and 2) I know my husband very well and I understand what has happened here. It's not easy in the least. I am hurting badly, as is he. No promises are made, but we're approaching the situation with eyes wide open and trying to see if it can work. Not just because he cheated, but because I've done some pretty foul things too that brought damage to our relationship. He's seeking individual counseling and we're starting marital counseling. It's all a matter of time now before we can really know what it will be.