Checklist, Checklist On The Wall....

[SteveMD]

How do you deal with this crap????

Question: Who often do you think about offing yourself?

If it pops into your head every day, but you successfully drive it out, is that a Yes, a No, or 1-5 scale?

If you are agitated, reactive, do you answer before or after drugs?

I just can't keep any of this straight, and it makes me sick to read the reports they right about me. Me.

How do you stand it?

 

[Wagon]

You answer honestly to get yourself help or......

You don't in order to keep a job....

How much can you bear? Is the job worth your life? Nobody here can answer that but you.

Just a hint.....Be honest with yourself and stick with that.

Wagon

 

[Woodsman82]

If you do that then you don't have a job. If you get help you could still work. Get the help you need as soon as you can. Never forget that we're here because others are not. Never let their sacrifices be for nothing. We at least owe them that.

 

[SteveMD]

Right. Being new, I was just overwhelmed yesterday with all this therapy and checklist stuff. This introspection stuff is pretty new to me, and especially when opening that box marked "There Be Dragons Here."

Jobs blew up months ago. Tried school (accounting) but got to the point where I couldn't even do basic math or retain anything. (Have a Masters with quant background, so it was pretty shocking to stumble on dumb accounting formulas). That really freaked me out.

I'm a little more comfortable with Woodsman's line of remembering others (which fits my particular problems), but am struggling with the imperative of unpleasant honest, and things I really don't want to have/be. Can't help anybody else if I can't help myself.

 

[Squip Mrbearsfriend]

my first reaction was to lie to the counselor...to cushion the reality...and maybe work into what was really on my mind.

His reaction to that was to give me this odd look that said, "we'll come back to that one"

I lied because I ABSOLUTELY did not want to go back to 72-hour lockdown. In the long run, honesty was the only way to go...had to be honest with myself, and the counselor, if I wanted to make any progress. And, for me, it was a bitter pill to swallow. To realize, oh yeah...I do have a problem. But instead of focusing on the problem, I focused on working on the solution.

I learned to answer the suicide question by finding out what they were really asking. And the difference was, how often did the thought flit through my mind or was I actually planning on a particular course, writing the note, etc.

the bit about not being able to do basic math: the way I understand it is this...when you run too many programs on your computer, it slows down or lags. Your brain is the same way. Only, it will forget non-essential data in order to deal with what it considers 'essential' data. Your knowledge is still there, but the brain is almost going, "Two plus two is....what was that sound? where was I? damn, gotta listen to what's aroun....upload memory file related to the sound it just picked up, how do I deal with that?"

Survival is essential. Math isn't, so it loses the bid for attention.

 

[woodsie]

Something tells me you are great at math.. Sometimes thoughts are a sheep in wolfs' clothes.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

FightforPeace,

I want to focus on the simplest of what you said. "Can't help anybody else if I can't help myself". The problems that result from our condition are HUGE! They overshadow and overpower all else in our lives.

You're right my Brother. "There Be Dragons Here." And, they are far too powerful to ignore. Until you find ways to make them sleep there will be no math, no job, no comfort, no love, no peace, no life.

But, does that mean that there's no hope? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! You will find ways to live your life while the Dragons sleep. You will find ways to make them sleep longer. You will find ways to admit that those Dragons are you.

But, finding those ways must be your number one priority. You have to identify the triggers that wake the Dragons, and adjust your life to avoid them. That means admiting you have limitations which is very hard for combat vets. to do.

As the guys have said. "Be honest with yourself". I'm a former project manager who can no longer manage projects because the pressure wakes the Dragon. Can I live without the projects? Yes! Can I live with the Dragon awake, and constantly by my side? No.

Take that honest look, and make those adjustments every minute of every day. Then, while the Dragon sleeps, take advantage of all that's still there for you.

SD

 

[SteveMD]

Squip, SD

Thanks much.

 

[Jimmy1]

I was still serving when they diagnosed me. They put me on a course to teach me about it but I took nothing in. I lied to my psych, my therapist, and more importantly, I was lying to myself. I self medicated and decided the medication they gave me was no good. I thought about suicide on a daily basis, but there was always something that stopped me.

To be honest, you have to take a full moral inventory of yourself and turn yourself inside out. Be honest with yourself like Wagon and the other guys have said. You might not like what the shrinks or other doctors say, but it's the truth.

Once you hit rock bottom mate there is only one way to go, and when you come to a dead end, do a 'U' turn or even a three point turn if you have to and find another way. When it comes to the box marked 'There be Dragons in there', take a big stick.

 

[SteveMD]

Jimmy: And the answer is: I told the therapist the truth, but that I have, so far, stayed ahead of suicide. She said that was important (and progress) and reviewed coping strategies & Prazosin intake.

One day at a time.