Sufferer Childabuse, Spousal Rape

[sarahstarlow]

Hello. 30 years old, married, 2 kids. Never posted on anything like this before.

Started psychotherapy last summer. Very slow going. I've got PTSD and social anxiety, and long history of depression. I self harm, but haven't in 2 weeks. I have quit drinking since starting therapy. Started group therapy last week, which felt pretty close to torture.

Father was alcoholic, physically and verbally abusive. Mother was verbally abusive and probably depressed herself. We were a "no touch" family. Dad died 3 years ago. Never got to hear him say he loved me. Was drugged and raped at 19 by 5 or 6 guys.

My husband has many things that are really great about him, but he is very controlling. He was angry with me and raped me last summer. We don't talk about it, and I pretend like it didn't happen. I have no self esteem, no confidence. I thought if I finally tried therapy I would improve. As of late, I am feeling like I will never escape the prison I have created for myself.

 

[Phenioxrising]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation sara. I'd talk about the rape with your T. No one deserves to be controled, especially when we are far more sensitive than average people. If you feel safe enough to do so, wirte about it on here first. No one is here to judge you, only help in whatever way possible.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello and welcome to the forum. :)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Sarah and welcome to the forum.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hi Sara. Welcome to the forum.

(((((((((Sara)))))))) <<< That is a virtual hug, if you're ok with it.

I'm sorry for all you've been through. It will get better. May you find support, comfort, friendship, and wisdom here.

Keep reading, sharing, and especially being very gentle with yourself. Wounds take a long time to heal and you deserve profound healing.

 

[Ruckster]

Hi Sarah. I know absolutely about secret keeping and pretending nothing happened. Trust me, it is much better to let someone know your feelings. Talking to a therapist is best, but Phoenixrising is right about this forum being a safe and non-judgemental place to express things. No one here knows you. There is no way any of us would or could blab to your family and friends anything. So much pressure lifts off when deep hurtful things are not yours alone to carry. Good luck on your journey and welcome!

 

[Jenny0329]

Hi Sarah, welcome to the forum.

 

[discarded]

Hi Sarah and welcome. You are incredibly brave to have posted here already. As a supporter I am always blown away by the traumas sufferers have lived through. The world can be a cruel place sometimes but there are plenty of wonderful people willing to help, especially on here. ((((hugs))))

 

[mamachick]

Hi Sarah and welcome to the forum. Im glad to hear you are in therapy. I understand what you are saying about your background. Its like having an elephant in the living room and everyone walks around it. So it makes sense that you would not be able to talk with your husband about what he did.

Maybe you can share it with your therapist and when the time is appropriate, your T can bring him in to address this issue. There may be many wonderful things about him-but rape trumphs all, at least I think so. I was married at 17, verbal abuse began about immediately, soon physical, pushy sex from the get go, but violent rape within a couple of years. When I say pushy sex, I was pregnant and sick alot, and he always got his way. I could run and puke in the middle and he would want to pick up where he left off. Notice I say "he". I also had no voice, no choice, being raised in an environment where you just try to be invisible and not be a problem to anyone.

Its been thirty five years. I dont know why, but I am somewhat at peace with him, I forgive him. Yet there are other things that happened that ignited the feelings again, causing full blown ptsd. Therefore, I hope you address it sooner than later. I couldnt even call it rape back then. I told my friend that my husband forced me to have sex, ripped off my nightgown, we fought, etc. Just couldnt use the R word. We never talked about it either, but I also never said no and anger and resentment built. I never said no because the noise of the violence caused our 1 and a half year old to awaken and see parts. She is 36 and has pre verbal trauma. Kids know when something is wrong.

I wish you the best and hope you are able to do what I could not. It is a different time. Nobody deserves for that to be taken from them. (((((hugs))))

 

[safenow]

Hi Sarah. Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry for what you have experienced. If I may, I'd like to recommend a book for you to read. It's called, "Real Rape, Real Pain", help for women sexually assaulted by male partners, by Patricia Easteal and Louise McOrmond-Plummer.

You husband may be from the old school, where they thought it was okay to rape your wife, since she is your property. When I was 17 my uncle sold me to a man who was to become my husband. The night before we married he raped me. He said, since he already owned me it was okay. Up to that night he had been a kind, caring man. Very good to me in fact.That was back in the 1960s.

But even back then, it was not all right. It is never all right for a man or a woman to rape their partner or anyone else. I was also a product of child abuse in the most horrendous ways. So I hear you loud and clear in what your memories are. Bless your heart and soul.There is hope for a good future. It wasn't until I was much older that I learned I had the right to say no and enforce that right. Now, there are even laws that say a husband can not rape a wife.

safenow

 

[reckoner]

Hi. I am also a new member. I am also Sarah, 30 yrs old, married with 2 kids. I hope you find strength here in these forums, and I am here to chat with you if you need me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to the forum. Sorry for what brought you here. I am so glad you are getting help for your traumas. It is nice to meet you. This is a real supportive community.