Undiagnosed Childhood Abuse, Alcoholic Father And Domestic Violence.

[Onigokko]

Hello, this is my second time writing this as my first one didn't post right [Yay!].

My name is Aaron I'm 23, and I believe I suffer from PTSD. I have not been diagnosed by a physician but every single thing about it just 'feels' right. I suffered childhood abuse at a young age, my father was a very abusive alcoholic. I believe I've seen my mothers life put in danger many many times, although I don't remember most of it. My mother divorced my father when I was 8, and we had to stay in battered womens shelters for awhile.

At 14 I was taken away from my family by the county for truancy for months at a time, until I dropped out of school at 17 to avoid being put in foster care.

I had my first panic attack about 4 years ago, it was bad enough that my tongue went numb and my fingers curled into claws. My mother that's a nurse thought I was having a stroke.

Every sense then I've been avoiding life, until I met my boyfriend Max about 2 years ago. I gave myself the chance, and fell in love with him. No bad ending either, he's still here next to me and promises he will be with me every step of the way. I believe him too.

However I've had a hard time simply accepting loving him, and that he loves me.

Around a week ago at the urging of my mother, I looked up the symptoms of PTSD and cried [although I've been doing that almost every day lately..] because it fit me to a T. Lately however I have been feeling hopeless, and useless.

I don't have a job, I'm not going to school, I don't even feel like I'm able to wake myself up at a time I want [I even set alarms but ignore them].

I guess what I'm looking for here is support, and hope it will get better. I'm not looking for a cure, but if I could be feeling 'good' 75% of the time I'd be content.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Welcome to the forum, I don't think anyone here will diagnose you, but it does sound like PTSD may be a strong possibility. I thought I had PTSD and then sought diagnosis and found that I was correct. I think as it's you're obviously struggling with this, you should see a professional for diagnosis. But until then and any future support such as therapy, here is a great place for support, sharing and asking. Again welcome.

 

[Onigokko]

Thank you, and I know nobody here can diagnose me.

At the moment my issue isn't unwillingness to go to therapy, it's- like it always is. Money.

At any rate, thank you. I've been reading though alot of the posts already, and it has soothed me a bit. A little bit of hope can go a long way.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I think the first thing you should do is see your doctor and ask to be referred for an official diagnosis. No-one here can say if you have PTSD or not and self diagnosis isn't an option.
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/self-diagnosis-is-not-an-option.13882/#post-174303[/DLMURL]

One thing is for sure though and that is that you need help. There is some great information and support here. I hope it helps.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Onigokko,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

As many have suggested, getting an official diagnosis is important because it is the first step in formulating a plan to treat this disorder. There are many effective therapies and there is no reason to suffer longer than necessary. Finding out what is wrong is the first step to starting to correct it.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful as you work on healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, have you considered looking into therapists who have a sliding scale for fees? You may not have to pay anything.

Welcome!

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Hello Aaron - I agree it sounds like PTSD. Are you having trouble staying employed? If so, maybe go to your local social services. Tell them you know something is wrong with you- most times while waiting for approval they people temporary medical coverage - usually, a month. That's when you get in to a doctor and they will make their findings along with referrals to other doc's that are needed. It took police to take my granddaughter to a local hospital before she was forced to get help. The hr dept., helped her fill out the forms for coverage..

 

[Onigokko]

I haven't had a job for years, I was 17 last time I had a job. Then my family moved and I was homeless for almost a full year, which I didn't put up in my synopsis. After that it's been very hard for me to even get a job, I'll go on apply 'sprees' and then get discouraged that nobody wants to hire the kid with no work experience.

I've attempted to get California Care, as that is my state however my partner who is supporting me made about 100 dollars 'too much'.

I've already gotten 'help' before, and gone to therapy somewhat. Until NOW I didn't feel ready to confront it and move on from it.

As for sliding scale therapists I have not, I've encountered some through the free clinic near me but have not looked into it. I guess I'm afraid they won't have the time to spend on me.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

This may sound a bit off, but sometimes tell the truth but don't give all when it comes to government policies and rules. Their job is to deny, cut spending and send you on your merry way.. Sometimes, we have to force our gov. to do the right thing.

You live in Cali, get the baker act on your side. You feel like hurting yourself or others is the only way the state gets involved, immediately. Walk into an er, tell them -you cannot take anymore- you need help or you will die. It is that easy... you have to be willing to pull it.

They will send a social worker to you while in hospital for evaluation. Don't even let them know you have a partner. I don't trust gov. to do the right thing unless, I act the same way it does - deceptively effective. ??? I don't know - just desperate for you to get help.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)