I am sorry for this wall of text, I guess I needed to vent.
So I was "diagnosed" in March by an assessment team with Post traumatic stress disorder and OCD, and I am trying to wrap my head around it. I have suffered emotional abuse my entire life, both within my family and during my school years. I have just recently accepted that my family is emotionally abusive, mainly my mother and sister, after I was forced to come home alone (I live with my partner in another country). My mother tricked me and lied that my little brother felt I didn't love him if I didn't come home. Long story short, I was re-traumatised in June during the stay, I couldn't stop shaking and sweating, I was immensely tense and litterally couldn't make my eyes shut or my muscles stop tensing during the four days I was away. I had a massive panic attack and scared my family enough to send me back home, but the panic stayed for a full week until I was taken to the hospital in an abulance and given diazopram. Almost 2 months later I have managed to gain the weight I lost and my head is finally clearing up. I am now looking for answers.
I was subjected to a peadofile when I was about 5-6 years old, but I can't remember what happened. I remember the father of my friend pulling down my pants and that's it. I remember walking back home and telling my mother, she made a phone call and a few weeks later my friends parents divorced and separated. This is all I know, and nothing has ever been spoken since that time. I tried mentioning this to my mother once, but she completely ignored it and I forgot about it, until I turned 15. I forced the intrusive thoughts to stop and they stopped until March when I got diagnosed. The thing is, I don't know if this incident was the culprit, I don't even know it this dad did more than I remember. I am wondering if my PTSD is a result of my parents complete disregards of my feelings and lack of support. My nightmares are not about what happened when I was 5-6, they are about me running away from my family, of being trapped and yelled at. I have had several dreams of my father stabbing me in the back, and I have had a few dreams of my sister stabbing me or shooting me dead, these are emotional represenations, they never stabbed me. My parents knew my sister was bullying me, I have scars on my face from her scratching me, and my parents knew I was bullied in school. They claim they never knew, but I was never quiet about what was happening, at least in the beginning, I would always say if something was wrong. I stopped doing this as I realised they would never listen. I know I was anxious by the age of 7, I remember being quite open with my anxiety and would simply ask for permission to go outside to scream the pain away, my mother woulnd't bat an eyelid. I got suicidal by the age of 9 and would imagine killing myself to get away from the bullies and the mean words in school (teachers and children would bully me because I cried so much). I know that I was recreating agruments at the time, it was like I couldn't help myself from speaking up even though I knew I would get punished by students and teachers. I kept this behaviour up until know when the anxiety and fear of a fight simply makes one happen. I got worse at 15 and started cutting, feeling like I had a monster inside of me, feeling like "I finally cracked". This was when the shame and guilt set in from "that" incident, and I did my best to repress it, I knew I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I had been told by almost everyone in my surroundings that I was mad, that my perception of reality wasn't right, that my feelings or wellbeing didn't matter like others because I was mad.
After the incident in June and the panic attacks that came from my parents accusations, lies and manipulations, I have come to the conclusion that I was and am emotionally abused by my family. It makes me wonder, is my PTSD a complex one, which doesn't stem from the actual "peado-incident", but a result of the lack of emotional support and sheer neglect from my family and every adult I was ever in contact with? Is that a normal thing, or have I just been misdiagnosed?
So I was "diagnosed" in March by an assessment team with Post traumatic stress disorder and OCD, and I am trying to wrap my head around it. I have suffered emotional abuse my entire life, both within my family and during my school years. I have just recently accepted that my family is emotionally abusive, mainly my mother and sister, after I was forced to come home alone (I live with my partner in another country). My mother tricked me and lied that my little brother felt I didn't love him if I didn't come home. Long story short, I was re-traumatised in June during the stay, I couldn't stop shaking and sweating, I was immensely tense and litterally couldn't make my eyes shut or my muscles stop tensing during the four days I was away. I had a massive panic attack and scared my family enough to send me back home, but the panic stayed for a full week until I was taken to the hospital in an abulance and given diazopram. Almost 2 months later I have managed to gain the weight I lost and my head is finally clearing up. I am now looking for answers.
I was subjected to a peadofile when I was about 5-6 years old, but I can't remember what happened. I remember the father of my friend pulling down my pants and that's it. I remember walking back home and telling my mother, she made a phone call and a few weeks later my friends parents divorced and separated. This is all I know, and nothing has ever been spoken since that time. I tried mentioning this to my mother once, but she completely ignored it and I forgot about it, until I turned 15. I forced the intrusive thoughts to stop and they stopped until March when I got diagnosed. The thing is, I don't know if this incident was the culprit, I don't even know it this dad did more than I remember. I am wondering if my PTSD is a result of my parents complete disregards of my feelings and lack of support. My nightmares are not about what happened when I was 5-6, they are about me running away from my family, of being trapped and yelled at. I have had several dreams of my father stabbing me in the back, and I have had a few dreams of my sister stabbing me or shooting me dead, these are emotional represenations, they never stabbed me. My parents knew my sister was bullying me, I have scars on my face from her scratching me, and my parents knew I was bullied in school. They claim they never knew, but I was never quiet about what was happening, at least in the beginning, I would always say if something was wrong. I stopped doing this as I realised they would never listen. I know I was anxious by the age of 7, I remember being quite open with my anxiety and would simply ask for permission to go outside to scream the pain away, my mother woulnd't bat an eyelid. I got suicidal by the age of 9 and would imagine killing myself to get away from the bullies and the mean words in school (teachers and children would bully me because I cried so much). I know that I was recreating agruments at the time, it was like I couldn't help myself from speaking up even though I knew I would get punished by students and teachers. I kept this behaviour up until know when the anxiety and fear of a fight simply makes one happen. I got worse at 15 and started cutting, feeling like I had a monster inside of me, feeling like "I finally cracked". This was when the shame and guilt set in from "that" incident, and I did my best to repress it, I knew I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I had been told by almost everyone in my surroundings that I was mad, that my perception of reality wasn't right, that my feelings or wellbeing didn't matter like others because I was mad.
After the incident in June and the panic attacks that came from my parents accusations, lies and manipulations, I have come to the conclusion that I was and am emotionally abused by my family. It makes me wonder, is my PTSD a complex one, which doesn't stem from the actual "peado-incident", but a result of the lack of emotional support and sheer neglect from my family and every adult I was ever in contact with? Is that a normal thing, or have I just been misdiagnosed?
