Childhood Childhood Abuse And Healing

[LittleMy]

GoHungry, Thank you for sharing. I'm happy the diagnosis has been a liberation for you. :) This does seem like a great community, I feel really happy there are more people with a similar disposition.

I feel like the reason why some parents don't deal with bullying amongst siblings is because they just don't know how. I feel like mine sort of used my sister to control both me and my little brother, like some shepherds dog, biting, howling and pushing us both into line. Perfect, the kids will then keep up the control through the anxiety and fear of repercussions, and you can never really blame mom and dad because they never did anything..

But I honestly feel it's my sister who has gotten the worse deal, I got so scared when I came home and realised she's loosing her hair. We are both 25 years old, but her braid was as stin as my pinky finger. She is angry all the time, just screams at anything or anyone but has this conviction that she has a priveliege to do so. I think that behaviour comes from my mother. She has no problem in ordering me to carry her bags up the stairs or throwing a fit for me not getting her a glass of juice when I'm "walking past the kitchen anyway". She tells me openly how she used to spy on me through the keyhole, talking about seeing flab on my belly. (I am 45 kg on a good day, I have problems feeling I am worthy of eating.) I am scared how much my sister relies on me, how she has to be mean and talk down to me to feel alright. I'm scared I'm causing her harm by not allowing her to do so.

marylouise, I think you have a point in that. I had and have this behaviour to run away if i'm being yelled at or feel threatened. I still leave the house if my panic gets too much. But I did this a lot as a kid, my mum was a very very angry woman when I was a kid. I don't remember much but my mum started confessing stuff when I was 18, crying and sobbing uncontrolably and said stuff like "I'm so sorry I scared you. I know I scared you so much." I believe she had me cowering on the floor quite a lot as a child, so I started this thing of packing my little suitcase, leaving a note behind me saying I'm leaving, and then I'll show up at different neighbours houses, asking to be let in. That was what I did that day, and I don't think it was the first time I did it at this friends house. He probably saw an opportunity in a vulnerable child.

 

[marylouise]

@LittleMy, I am so sad for the small child you were, arriving at that house with your suitcase trying to find safety.

 

[LittleMy]

@marylouise, Thank you. Really, thank you. :hug:

 

[LittleMy]

I had this flash last night, I think I have to write it out. I used to only be able to remember how he asked me to come into this room. It was a big and bright room, with big sliding doors in clear glass. He was sitting in front of me, on a chair, and he pulled my pants down, and I remember this pattern, white and flowers, if this was the pattern of my pants or my knickers I don't know. I said no and pulled them up again, and he said yes and pulled them down. I think my knickers was off the second time, I said I wanted my pants on. This was the only thing I used to remember, but at 15 I got a flash of him touching me, but I disregarded this and still do to a point. I'm too scared of remembering it wrong, what if I'm creating a false memory in the attempt to make sense of it? Well, last night, I got this flash of him walking away, carrying flowery pants in his arms and saying "you will have them back." It scared me, I felt like I was standing next to a dangerously deep well and that I would fall into it. I shut it down, I shook it off. What if I remember something too bad, what if I create something that is wrong.

The thing is, I was never scared that I did something wrong. My mother has always taught me to say no if a bad adult touched me, and if they did, it was never my fault. "Just tell us if something happens, that is very important", I knew he did something wrong and that I was innocent. What I never could understand was why then my parents would pretend nothing ever happened, why they never asked how I felt. Why they had to keep it a secret and forget about it.

 

[marylouise]

I'm listening, @LittleMy. I don't have anything to add. You're doing the work yourself.