Sufferer Childhood Trauma And Adult Isolation

[Lithocardium]

Hello everyone!

It's rather hard to write an introduction here because it seems everything in my life is a defensive mechanism. I come from an family with alcohol problems, emotional coldness, violence and threats of violence. Outside of my house I was bullied quite a bit, there might have been some sexual things as well because of so many symptoms but in all honesty most of my early (1-7ish years) childhood is a blank and the rest very hazy.

I'm here because I thought my childhood was normal and I blamed myself for how screwed up I was. After all, when I think of what happened, I feel nothing. So I thought I was over it. At the moment it feels like I'm living my life inside a little safe zone, I go through my day safe in my routines, but I don't dare to do anything new but live life in social isolation. I have so many dreams but I don't dare to follow anyone because of fear. I function good on the superficial level but I think I'm still emotionally experiencing the unresolved traumas.

At the very core I feel worthless, defective and contaminated, but at least now there is a hope of a better future. :)

 

[GrahamCracker]

I can definitely relate to this. I had a bad childhood with a lot of bullying and I am sure it led to me developing PTSD when I experienced a major trauma down the road.

I thought my childhood was normal and I blamed myself for how screwed up I was.

I thought my childhood was normal for so many years! I was told that it was, but I just didn't understand what was different about me and other people. My mother kept telling me about how I had everything and how happy we were and so I thought there must be something wrong with me to cause the feelings I was having. When I really thought about it and started working through stuff I realized how alone I really was as a small child. I had an abusive father who later abandoned me and an emotionally absent mother. My childhood was very far from being healthy and happy.

I'm sure there are tons of people who can relate here. Hope you get to chat with some of them!

 

[hoopflier]

I can relate to what you both say: I thought my childhood was normal too. Now I think I thought that because I blanked a lot of it out. My parents were depressed, and also "emotionally absent" is a good way to put it.

"I function good on the superficial level but I think I'm still emotionally experiencing the unresolved traumas."

You sound very aware and I'm glad you know that "at least now there is a hope of a better future. "

 

[franciemarnie]

It's easy to think your childhood was normal and you are to blame for being "screwed up" when you live with an alcoholic and a family that denies the lies and dysfunction and says everything was fine.

If everything was great, then you are perverse and messed up for manifesting any behavior that belied the family myth. Then something must be wrong with you?

Wrong! They messed up. You responded normally. That will screw up your sense of self and reality for years until it becomes clear.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

 

[Lithocardium]

Thanks everyone for making me feel welcome!

Didn't expect to find so many people recognizing the whole "normal" thing. What you say really makes sense franciemarnie, there were plenty of that behavior in my family. Protecting the family lie and supressing both needs and emotions.

It's wierd, the night after posting this I got a flashback from my youth about being used sexually, not by my parents, but by a friend for several years. The alcoholism probably laid the groundwork for the codependency and lack of boundries that an abuser could use.

Anyways, I'm looking forward to reading people's experience. It's comforting to realize you're not alone in your experiences.

 

[torturedsoul7402]

Lithocardium,
I haven't read through the comments, so pardon me if I'm missing something.
I can relate to a lot of your issues, especially not following a great many dreams do to fear.
I think a large number of us capably function on a superficial level, because we had to always had to "put on a pretty face".

 

[DOTI]

I can relate! Your's is a good introduction, and I can imagine that your "superficial level" face is very convincing.