soul_echoes
New Here
Without detailing my entire life story, I'll just say that I have a lot of repressed memories from childhood. It's believed that there was sexual abuse, and I know there was verbal, mental and emotional abuse. I was promiscuous from age 12-16, so that adds to the trauma, and then I survived sexual abuse beginning with a boyfriend I lived with when I was 16 and another at 17. I started actively seeking out therapy in college to break the pattern of dependency I'd learned from my mother, and eventually my relationships became healthier. I'm now married to a sweet caring man who has several children from a previous marriage.
DH and I were married in 2008, despite his financial problems and rental disagreement which eventually led to his eviction. He didn't have a stable relationship with his parents at the time, so that added to the stress. We lived on the road a bit, then found an apartment for a short time before we lost our jobs one month after then next and then became homeless. That period of time has added a whole new batch of PTSD to my life.
Being married and having an ex-wife and stepchildren in the picture has brought up a lot of stressors and a number of triggers for me. The job I found in 2009 lasted for a year and a half until health problems caused absenteeism and mistakes when I tried to go in. Eventually I lost that job. In spite of multiple applications haven't had a job since. In some ways I'm glad because my symptoms (especially anxiety) have been awful. I've been experiencing episodes (I had epilepsy from age 10 through my early 30s) that are reminiscent of what I've read about Lennox-Gastaut syndrome (although I'm a full-grown adult) and suspect catamenial epilepsy although my EEG and MRI are clear. (I have yet to do an ambulatory EEG.)
Our living situation has finally settled down, and now my DH is working and has insurance. I've been to the doctor and have been able to get my ativan refilled, which I had taken along with Lexapro for a while. However, I was also told I need a CPAP, so I hope to look into that. In the meantime, I've also been given Provigil. My first meeting with a psychiatrist resulted in a script for Xanax (to compare to ativan) and some Lamictal. It's a little scary to have all these CNS meds from doctors I've never known before, so I'm hoping that it's going to go well. I've had a ton of allergies to different things, and so far this has been okay.
My biggest fear right now are financial - I'm not working and my husband pays a lot of child support. Other than that, I want to keep it together through all of the changes I've encountered. I don't want to be the monster to my stepson that my stepfather was to me. I've already blown some hostility toward my husband (granted, he was being an ass, but I'd like to learn how to keep my cool), and when I don't deal get my anger out, I've been known to rely on cutting.* I need to feel useful, so having a job, even part-time would be nice (unless of course it's decided that I'm disabled). I know I'm in a tough place, and I don't feel like there are a lot of people out there who understand. Lately I've been feeling defective, primarily because of all the medications I take. I'm scared that if I get a job it will be doing something that won't challenge me enough to keep from getting depressed, and I don't like the idea of having a long, miserable existence ahead of me.
* I haven't cut for at least a year, and relapses have been few and far between. I went through a period of about 12 years cutting (ages 17-29) that got me through the end of high school and college.
DH and I were married in 2008, despite his financial problems and rental disagreement which eventually led to his eviction. He didn't have a stable relationship with his parents at the time, so that added to the stress. We lived on the road a bit, then found an apartment for a short time before we lost our jobs one month after then next and then became homeless. That period of time has added a whole new batch of PTSD to my life.
Being married and having an ex-wife and stepchildren in the picture has brought up a lot of stressors and a number of triggers for me. The job I found in 2009 lasted for a year and a half until health problems caused absenteeism and mistakes when I tried to go in. Eventually I lost that job. In spite of multiple applications haven't had a job since. In some ways I'm glad because my symptoms (especially anxiety) have been awful. I've been experiencing episodes (I had epilepsy from age 10 through my early 30s) that are reminiscent of what I've read about Lennox-Gastaut syndrome (although I'm a full-grown adult) and suspect catamenial epilepsy although my EEG and MRI are clear. (I have yet to do an ambulatory EEG.)
Our living situation has finally settled down, and now my DH is working and has insurance. I've been to the doctor and have been able to get my ativan refilled, which I had taken along with Lexapro for a while. However, I was also told I need a CPAP, so I hope to look into that. In the meantime, I've also been given Provigil. My first meeting with a psychiatrist resulted in a script for Xanax (to compare to ativan) and some Lamictal. It's a little scary to have all these CNS meds from doctors I've never known before, so I'm hoping that it's going to go well. I've had a ton of allergies to different things, and so far this has been okay.
My biggest fear right now are financial - I'm not working and my husband pays a lot of child support. Other than that, I want to keep it together through all of the changes I've encountered. I don't want to be the monster to my stepson that my stepfather was to me. I've already blown some hostility toward my husband (granted, he was being an ass, but I'd like to learn how to keep my cool), and when I don't deal get my anger out, I've been known to rely on cutting.* I need to feel useful, so having a job, even part-time would be nice (unless of course it's decided that I'm disabled). I know I'm in a tough place, and I don't feel like there are a lot of people out there who understand. Lately I've been feeling defective, primarily because of all the medications I take. I'm scared that if I get a job it will be doing something that won't challenge me enough to keep from getting depressed, and I don't like the idea of having a long, miserable existence ahead of me.
* I haven't cut for at least a year, and relapses have been few and far between. I went through a period of about 12 years cutting (ages 17-29) that got me through the end of high school and college.
