Childhood Children Who Witness Violence Against A Parent

[sun seeker]

Lying in bed one more night (well, obviously I've now gotten out of bed), my mind and body are processing some very old traumas and refusing to shut down for the night...

There are some things I don't post because I have such a fear that even after many years, my ex will find them, realize who I am from the details, and ruin the good things I've built in my life since leaving him. This is one of those, so much against the urge I have to share what is on my mind, I'm going to keep this deliberately vague.

This is about how it affects small children to witness violence against a parent. The image of my sweet, innocent daughter shaking hysterically as she watched her father... well, that's the part I can't say. It's stuck with me all these years. It will never leave me. Because she was never the same again.

I suspect I know the answer to this question (on a PTSD forum? Duh...) but has anyone had the experience of a child watching violence against you or someone else? How did they change after that?

People who don't think this way, please forgive the digression, but my understanding is a child shares a mother's energy field until the age of three. What happens to the mother feels as if it is happening literally to them. So what happened to me happened to her.

I miss that happy, trusting little girl I once knew. So much.

 

[J_trustno1]

I witnessed violence against my mother by my father from very young age. I even saw him holding a knife against her throat at 10 and he strangled me when I was 10. I've seen him abuse her, myself both verbally, emotionally and physically.

As a result I grew up hating men, I became a very rebellious child and whenever I heard or saw any man abusing a woman I felt it was me!!! I grew up as a feminist and always wanting to protect women and children from domestic violence because I see my childhood in those children. And yes, I want to be that protector of women and children who wasn't available when I was suffering from all this.

Thanks for sharing this thread because it is very deeply related to how I feel.

 

[Rumors]

:( yes, I used to watch my parents fist fight and scream and yell. Usually my dad had been drinking. It is tough. I wanted, and usual did, jump in the middle to try and stop them. I was like 3/4. I can still remember it clearly, however my family never spoke about these things and my mom is deceased so there was never any explanation or understanding as a child. I would urge you to ask her how she feels about it and talk it out. She won't want to at first because it won't feel safe, but if you keep talking about it and assuring her she can, it will eventually come out. Hug on her a lot too and let her know she is ok!!! When I was that age and that was going on I just wanted someone to scoop me up and hug me and tell me that I was ok and we were ok. Best wishes..

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks for sharing that @J_trustno1. I should have added a question about the perspective of the child. I notice how you say when you witnessed violence it felt like it was happening to you. This tells me the trauma is registered on a cellular level. It sounds like you grew into something of a warrior because of it!

And @Rumors, thank you too. How brave children can be, risking harm to themselves to get in the middle and stop the violence. My parents didn't fight physically but I remember being a peacemaker and go-between from a very young age.

I would urge you to ask her how she feels about it and talk it out. She won't want to at first because it won't feel safe, but if you keep talking about it and assuring her she can, it will eventually come out. Hug on her a lot too and let her know she is ok!!!

It's too late, and there is too much damage for that. Our relationship is broken. :cry: Whether that will ever change... well, I hope so. But not for now. She does remember, on some level. We talked about it a few times when she was much older.

 

[Rumors]

@sunseeker
I can promise you it is never too late unless one party is deceased. If both parties are willing to meet and listen, then there is always a compromise. My mom is gone and I will likely never have answers to many questions I have. My dad may not know or will never tell. It appears to me that your love for your daughter exceeds any need you may have to keep secret about what transpired. Keep reaching out and keep hugging... I believe it was you on another thread that talked about how love wins out or something to that effect. I know it is uphill, but there are certain things in life that are worth your investment. The payback on this investment of time and energy could be great.
I was thinking yesterday, I would give anything for one more hug from my mom. Even though I have lots of unanswered questions, I really miss her hugs. ALOT!!!!!! I hope you can find some peace there...

 

[sun seeker]

My daughter does not want me in her life at this point. At all. I've had to step back and respect that. I've put SO much into trying to fix this, and for now, it would be flogging a dead horse (I don't like that expression, but can't think of a better one).

I wish she would let me hug her, but she just goes stiff. Has for a long, long time. With anyone.

I agree, it's only too late if one person is dead (and given my spiritual beliefs, I'm not sure, even then). But for now, for me to continue to reach out would be a bad idea.

 

[garden]

I witnessed my mother being severely beaten repeatedly beginning in very early childhood. My childhood nightmares were often about my mothers death. Whenever she was being choked I heard sounds coming from her throat and I believed that she was going to die. This is something that I'm still trying to heal, and im now a mother myself.

My daughter witnessed a police officer abusing her power and authority to bully me for having her re park her vehicle which was parked illegally and blocking us in. She had nightmares for about 6 weeks. She got a little bit of therapy. She is different. She used to wave and smile at police officers, now she watches them in silence. She's more cautious, and now she's shy sometimes. She used to be the opposite of shy. We have done our best to restore her sense of safety...but she's still changed.

There is no domestic violence in our home. She only saw this one incident, but it was enough to change her. It may be because we taught her that police officers are our community allies, and so it made it harder for her to make sense of. The fact that we have police officers in our family helped, she has been around them and understands that the one that we encountered was a bad seed.

I just hope that there are no long term effects.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you @Lewa. I'm sorry that happened to you. Your memory sounds so vivid.

We have done our best to restore her sense of safety...but she's still changed.

How old was she when this happened Lewa?

I just hope that there are no long term effects.

Crossing my fingers for you, and her.

 

[The Albatross]

I was a child who witnessed regular domestic violence against my mother, but occasionally it was mutual. I too was abused physically and emotionally though not to the extent that my mother was. Not as violently and she was also a domestic sexual abuse victim. How I changed was that I became reclusive, anti social, a loner and depressed as a teen and young woman. It adversely affected my relationships and I put myself into or partnered with higher risk people unconsciously for many years because it was my "familiar" and because of being raised in a rigidly controlled home I had few social skills and was uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle myself in social settings or how to form healthier types of friend or love relationships.

What I wanted and needed as a child and teen... was my mother to model how solve the problem in our home, protect herself and protect us. That didn't happen. She remained a doormat and the object of my father's abuse until ultimately he left her for a mistress.

What I wanted and needed from her as a young woman... was for her to model how to heal the wounds and traumas and lead a more normal and healthier life. That too... she was unable to do. She remains untreated except for "general anxiety" and is still in her behaviors and compulsions. Speaking with or seeing my mother is a dicey situation... her mood swings and internal dialogue, bouts of panic, yelling at me when entirely undeserved, and at times obsessive worry if she can not reach me by phone are problematic. She is in her mid 70's now and I will be 55 soon.

Ironically it was my father, the abuser who modeled for me how to heal though his methods were far from what I would consider preferred or healthy. When he remarried, he struck his 2nd wife only once. He went to counseling for both marriage and his mental/emotional issues. He was diagnosed and received treatment. He expressed regret and was able to voice to me his despair about how it affected me. Which is kind of messed up because my mother was never able to do any of those things. Nor do I expect she ever will considering this is a 55 year thing for her.

I am now no longer depressed and I don't put myself in risky situations. I have a fragile relationship with my mother but frankly it would be in my own best interest not to. I do it because to me it is the right thing to do... but it can and does affect my own PTSD.

 

[garden]

She was 3 months shy of her 7th birthday when it happened.

Thank you @sunseeker. She's quite amazing, as all children are. She's got a lot of support from many different areas, and shes pretty optimistic by nature. We believe that it will be okay.

 

[The Albatross]

I miss that happy, trusting little girl I once knew. So much.

My mother says this to me from time to time but it makes me cringe and a bit angry because she has never really come to terms with how her own behavior... staying in the domestic violence and ultimately her nervous breakdown and self harming... then medicated state (valium and Librium)... later offering but then renigging to go with me and do some joint therapy sessions when my shrink wanted us to... well, made her statements fall flat.

Edited to add: On the reread, as much as it pains me to add... it's honest so I will... When given a choice between staying in her head, binge eating, being obsessive, passive aggressive, and acting out by having no impulse control (she is a hoarder) OR me and my sibling. My mother has a demonstrated track record of choosing the former. So I take her with a grain of salt and though she is my mother and I love her and honor the maternal bond... I do not like her very much. Nor do I allow much time for her to physically be around me even though she is only a mile away.

Most of our "relationship" is by phone check in's or a very short visit. I never go over there anymore unless I am on my way somewhere else.

 

[sun seeker]

I did get out of it @The Albatross, and worked on myself intensively. It just wasn't enough. I'm sorry your mother wasn't able to.