Childhood Children Who Witness Violence Against A Parent

[Suzetig]

So I take her with a grain of salt and though she is my mother and I love her and honor the maternal bond... I do not like her very much. Nor do I allow much time for her to physically be around me even though she is only a mile away.

Most of our "relationship" is by phone check in's or a very short visit. I never go over there anymore unless I am on my way somewhere else.

I get this, my parents were incredibly violent to each other and to me and my siblings, my mothers response to her being abused by my father was to be unbelievably cruel to us kids. I honestly can't say I love my mother, I have a sense of loyalty to her and I recognise the hardships she faced but at every turn she was hurtful and unkind to me and I can't say I love her. I keep loosely in touch and I do wish I had the kind of mother/daughter relationship my friends have - I am deeply saddened that I never had her care for me but I'm adjusting to that in therapy.

Society puts such a lot of expectations on family relationships. Mothers are supposed to protect their children, children are supposed to love and honour their parents but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. It's Mothering Sunday in the UK, I can't tell you how much I hate this day.

 

[sun seeker]

In my family it was my father who didn't protect me from my mother. To this day it's still the times he should have done something to protect me from her and sat there doing nothing that get to me, more than what he should have been protecting me from. He was a coward. Sorry, I know it's wrong to speak badly of dead people, but honestly.

 

[Rumors]

Can I ask why your daughter won't speak to you? Was she abused too or just witnessed you being abused?

 

[greenleaf]

Hi -- @Rumors probably didn't mean this this way; however wanted to emphasize -- witnessing a primary caregiver being abused is plenty to give children PTSD as a "criterion A" event.

 

[Rumors]

I wasn't asking if the daughter had ptsd. I just wondered why she wasn't speaking to her mom, sun seeker. I didn't know if she had in fact been abused as well and felt like her mom should have protected her or if there had been other issues that caused their distance. However, @sunseeker, please don't feel like you need to answer that. It certainly is none of my business. Because of my history, I was curious. There were times when I felt let down that my mom didn't do more to protect me. My dad is a great guy, but at times when I was growing up he had moments of not so great. However, my mom had moments of not so great either. She was emotionally unstable and I felt very much like I needed to care for her and smooth everything out between them which put me directly in the line of fire. This is an unresolved conversation in my life and one I will never be able to have. So, my question really is just curiosity because in learning your reasoning, I may find answers of my own ??? Does that make sense?

 

[sun seeker]

witnessing a primary caregiver being abused is plenty to give children PTSD as a "criterion A" event

Yes. Sigh. I know.

 

[sun seeker]

So, my question really is just curiosity because in learning your reasoning, I may find answers of my own ??? Does that make sense?

It does. I'm choosing to sidestep your question though, and I hope you will find answers to help you somewhere else. There are many complicated reasons that I am still trying to tease out in my own mind, but it's something I feel very fragile about. I remember from another thread how much you say you value bluntness, and I respect that but around this issue I need to take care of myself.

 

[Rumors]

Completely understand. ;)

I want to add, though I don't feel it is necessary, the conversation in previous threads had to do with unhealthy thinking styles and patterns not specific situations. There is a vast difference in someone saying this is what happened vs what was discussed earlier. That is my opinion anyway. However, I certainly understand and respect your decision to work that out in your own time.

 

[illusionist]

Sun seeker...yes my daughter did witness it towards me and continued to hear negativity about her mum when she visited her dad ( unknown to me at the time). I never spoke ill of her dad, so she only ever heard one side. The result is a very fragile relationship where she pops in and out of my life, as she choses....ending each 'good phase' with the most vile and hurtful accusations ( totally, totally untrue), normally when I have been unable to help her out financially or not getting her own way. When she is getting her own way I am the best mum in the world. She has bpd. It is heartbreaking but what can a mum do?....I will always love her but know what I really need to do, but can't. So I sit here waiting on her to come back to me, knowing full well what the outcome will be when she decides to turn her back on me again.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you for sharing that @richter scale. I can feel your pain. I am also in a position where I can't do much but wait. I walk on eggshells any time I am around her because the slightest sign of my own distress gets such contempt from her, which is super triggering. And yet, I love her so very much. I feel I've built a bridge already, but I can't force her to walk on it.

 

[illusionist]

Walking on eggshells I fully understand. Even showing tears in my eyes in front of my daughter triggers her into anger and the look of hatred....it is so, so hard Sun seeker. I so hope your daughter takes those steps over that bridge. Please feel free to pm me if you feel the need....even if it's a year from now, please don't think twice.

I have tried to speak with my daughter, asked her to tell me what is at the bottom of it, then we can work on it...I'm not faultless, no parent is. I have tried to work out the false allegations, asked her to explain, when they are supposed to have happened? Incidentally, I'm not the only one who has been fired with these...police were involved with one which she admitted to being false. My son and I have normal , healthy relationship and fails to see what she think has went on or portrays what went on.

I hope you can find the answers I fail to get.

 

[sun seeker]

Hatred... yes. I see it and don't believe it. It can take as little as a sigh from me to get that look. And then I wonder, how much of that did I cause and how much is just how she is? Or some other reason? And my guilt gets in the way of responding well.

I'm glad you have a good relationship with your son. That must help, though of course one can't make up for the other.

Please feel free to pm me if you feel the need

Ditto. :hug::hug: