I was a child who witnessed constant abuse growing up. So I basically never had a childhood.
Growing up my father was rarely home, but when he was he was abusing my mother (either verbally or physically). Witnessing (graphic) physical altercations (for example, watching my father drag my mother up and down the staircase by her hair, repeatedly) are images that stay with you.
Watching how my mother 'reacted' to her abuse (during and after), those images also really stuck with me jut as much. (Typically I would witness my mother run into her bedroom and try to barricade the door or sometimes hide in the backyard.) Of course (even though I was a little kid) I knew none of things I was witnessing were 'normal' or 'ok'. But I also knew there was nothing I could (physically) do about any of it. (And I didn't want my father's anger and violence to be turned towards me.) So it was a very helpless feeling.
So experiences like that can teach a child fear, dependency and also condition them to 'accept' abusive behavior and be complacent with it (especially when they witness the 'abused' parent exhibiting and reinforcing this type of behavior.)
My mom constantly told me as a child that we were 'very lucky to have a home at all'. ... when she said stuff like this, all I could do was stare at her. And she said stuff like that all the time.
Ultimately. watching my mother's spirit be 'broken' by another person (my abusive father) is something that impacted me just as much as witnessing any physical violence.
The verbal and mental abuse whittled her down to a shell. And after my dad would take off again (on another lengthy 'business trip'), I would be left to console and deal with that shell. A shell that became a (functioning-semi-functioning) alcoholic and also mentally (and once in awhile physically) threatening or abusive towards me. Being an only child (with no close relatives or friends nearby - my father scared all my mother's friends away), it was basically just me and her, with the looming shadow of my father,.... all. the. time.
One of the things that I resent most (besides the fact that my mother never deserved to endure any of that abuse in the first place), is that my father essentially 'stole' the happy, caring, loving mother I could have had. Because of him and what he did, I will never get to meet or know that person.
Growing up, I also resented the fact/idea that my mother could ever stay with a person like my father (and make me stay). It was never logical to me. Being very young, I had no idea about finances and that my mom was doing what she needed to to survive. ( She would not have been able to afford to take care of me on her own.) But when you're a little kid, you have no concept of things like that. You just know what's going on right in front of you isn't right.
Living on my own now, as a young adult, I realize how difficult it is to survive financially and even afford the basics. (And the only person I have to take care of is me!)
But it makes me wonder how my mom (who met and married my dad when they were only 19) failed to notice ANY signs or hints that there was something 'off' with my father before they had me (they waited a good 5 or 6 years until my mom got pregnant with me). During all that time, some of his true (narcissistic, controlling, abusive) traits or tendencies had to have made an appearance or reared their ugly head to some degree. I just wonder how she could not notice, or if she just pretended not to notice. And why ever bring a child into a situation like that in the first place...
I know men (like my father) are good at 'faking it' for awhile (to lure you in & get you in the first place), but eventually the real person surfaces. I just find it hard to believe my father didn't exhibit any 'red flags' during those first 5 or 6 years they were together.
How it specifically affects the child really depends on the child I think. And also if that child is surrounded by constant physical (or emotional) reminders of the abuse (i.e. - one or both of the parents, holidays, functions, the actual home/building where the abuse took place...) the variety of emotional triggers and trauma 'souvenirs' can be endless.
For me, the first thing I did was get the hell away from both of my parents as soon as humanly possible. I worked three jobs, saved up my money and moved to the city. I cut off all contact with both of them ( I never spoke to my father in the first place, even when we were living under the same roof while I was growing up). I also had my last name legally changed. Not only because it would help make me more physically 'untraceable', but because the idea of having my father's name legally attached to me for the rest of my life would be the equivalent of having a rotting corpse chained to one of my ankles for the rest of eternity. No thank you. ( I didn't take my mother's maiden name either, btw. I took a deceased relative's maiden name who never had children. She was my favorite 'auntie' growing up, and really the only few, rare fond childhood memories I have I owe to her. She lived far away, so I only got to see her a few times, but during those times she left a real impression on me. So I took her maiden name as a tribute to her.)
I may bestow my mother once or twice a year with a phone call (from a prepaid disposable phone), just to see if she's still alive & physically functioning.
But I keep things very light, brief, impersonal and cordial. I never disclose anything personal to her, and never ever will, ( Basically the etiquette and chit-chat you'd have with a postman, store clerk or waiter. Nothing more).
I never gave out (and will never give out) my new address, email, phone or contact info to her or anyone else (from the town I grew up in).
I am in charge of who is in my life now and who isn't.
As far as long-term effects regarding my mother and I's relationship it is distant and cordial at best. And that is the way it will stay. I do not wish anything bad on her, and I do empathize (to a degree) for the things she went through, but it still does not excuse nor justify the things she did to me. Since she does not (and will not) ever even acknowledge doing anything wrong/abusive towards me (much less express any remorse/regret about it), any 'relationship' beyond that would be a joke and a lost cause, and a complete waste of my own time and energy.
Growing up in a violent and abusive home can affect many people in many different ways.
For me, I choose to look at it in a positive and constructive way. Witnessing (and experiencing) the abuse I did growing up showed me all the things I DON'T want in a relationship and partner, and all the things to 'look out' for, and what is simply and completely unacceptable.
It also showed me all the things (if I ever had a child) that I would never, ever put them through.
It also drove me to be a more determined, wiser, stronger, independent, self-sufficient individual, and also develop a deeper understanding, sensitivity, awareness and empathy towards other people and the situations they may be going through.
Most of all, it taught me to have a deeper respect for myself.
If I hadn't grown up the way I did, I don't know if I would have had any of that insight at the level I do now.
I am not my mother. I am not my father. I am not a 'damaged' product of two people's selfish and misguided choices.
I am my own person, and I am responsible for own life and my own decisions. Me and no one else.
My parents may have taken my childhood, but my present and future belong solely to me.
