Choke Hold

[Wolvescry]

This past week for some reason a remembered something that I had blocked out for so long. I didn't realized I was triggered at first, I was confused why I was remembering my ex abuse, when I have other abusers to worry about.

During my MMA class we learned a choke hold, This one was so different then the ones we usually learn. The ones we usually learn use our whole arm as a choking device which feels different from someone hold you up by their hands choking. I still take it easy on all chokes and tap as soon as feel any pressure because I do not want to risk triggering a flash back in class. Anyway, we learned a new choke which required us to use our hands to choke, I didn't think it would trigger me, because I have become so strong. As soon as felt that familiar feeling I tapped quickly and pulled away. I apologized for panicking, and smiled through it.

I always remembered being choked so clearly, Not many understand how it feels to have the one you love hold your life in their hands. But I never really remembered how it started. I have been feeling myself hide in the bathroom with a knife, thinking if I should use on me or him, I was so scared. The bathroom was the only room with a lock that I could hide in.He broke in and I just would curl up in a ball holding the knife up begging for him not to hurt me and saying I am sorry. At times it would lead to the choking. I remember his eyes.

I just feel so upset about life. I keep hoping to get stronger but I fail. I guess I cannot deny some progress. I just want to function normally.

 

[macbeth]

I always remembered being choked so clearly, Not many understand how it feels to have the one you love hold your life in their hands.

Unfortunatuley I know exactly how it feels @Wolvescry. After I left my Ex husband I learnt karate. I trained for 4years to gain some confidence. I had the same thing happen to me when my sensei was demonstrating a method on how to get out of a choke hold. I freaked so bad but was so embarrassed I faked an injury and ran to the toilets so I could cry. To this day no one not even my kids can touch my neck without me being triggered. As I read what you were saying about people don't know how it feels I cried because it felt like I could have written this post. It was that particular attack when I was strangled that led to me developing PTSD. I hope you can feel strong again soon. Best wishes and :hug:s for you my friend.

 

[macbeth]

I also get really freaked out when somebody walks behind or holds a knife in a certain way. I have many triggers related to domestic violence.

 

[Wyakin]

I think you should be proud of yourself @Wolvescry you recognised it might trigger you, stopped it when it did and continued on after. I bet you couldn't have done that a while ago.

I was choked, regularly, a couple of times now my friends have caught me mid flashback clawing at my throat to try to stop it.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think you did well. I am triggered by choke holds, and had to do some self defense on how to get out of them. I said that I didn't like being touched on my neck, and practised getting out of it from someones hands on my shoulders.

 

[Wolvescry]

@macbeth You know it is really nice to hear others with ptsd have trained in defensive sports and have felt similar ways. It is a tough battle but hearing from other survivors helps so much.

@Wyakin I do the same thing but usually when dealing with flashbacks and before I go to bed.Sometimes I don't ever realize I am remembering it or doing it.

@Meadowsweet I let people know I do not like being choked and some people understand and some people who are just cruel take that as an advantage they can use to hurt me. I wish I can explain to people but talking about it is a trigger and most people don't care anyway.

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Wolvescry,

I have the same trouble, I trained in martial arts for over 14 years and when training for my higher belts I had to tell the Instructor and we had to train privately for months just to be able to go through the moves and holds that we had to do for each grading. It took hours of training and even though I passed, never felt comfortable and some I never could do and had to get the instructor to sort out different moves to compensate for them. I ending up giving up as it was just not natural and I found it very hard even though I passed every grading it was just to much. I would not let anyone come up behind me or touch my neck which when you are an instructor you can escape a lot of things by getting others to demonstrate for you, but I just didn't feel I could do that and be true to myself.

It was another life I feel now, long gone like so many other things you just give up on as it is just all to hard