General Christmas Is Canceled!

[lovinbiker]

Hi well as the title says this is what I was told by my sufferer, Now when she says that I know she is only talking about herself as she will do her best to make sure her daughter gets a good christmas. She is at a real low point at the moment and is really struggling so im not suprised she made this statement to me.

This is prob a silly question and I cannot get an easy answer to it, but how long is she likely to be like this as she obviously knows she not gonna get any better this year. She previously told me that it took her 5 years to get where she was when she met me. Am I looking at this time period again, or will she know how to deal with it better this time round.

Any opinions on this will be appreciated

 

[amethist]

Hi

Tough one to answer is this one lovinbiker.

Everyone is different, my husband has been diagnosed almost 3 years now, but not half way back to how he was.

Some times they make statements like this when they are feeling low, not always meant as harsh as it sounds. You will soon learn to ride with it, answering in a way that is understanding but not fussy, if you understand that. You just have to go with the flow at times like this, it helps you deal with some of the negativity they feel.

First Christmas hubby was ill, total disaster. Second was a bit better. Then last year was good as we paid a surprise visit to my daughters to see our grandchildren on Boxing day.

So it can get better, but the time line is one of those, "How long is a piece of string" things.

I hope you can work something out somehow.

Amethist

 

[Jawn]

lovinbiker, Amethist is right. This is one you need to play by ear. She may feel that right now, but by the time Christmas rolls around she might feel differently. And if the most she can do that day is give her daughter some quality time and nothing to anyone else, well you just have to accept it. There will be good days and bad. You just have to learn how to handle both.

Jawn

 

[lovinbiker]

Hi Jawn and Amethist,
Thanks for your replies and its pretty much what i expected, I replied in a way which I thought was right in that I didnt protest I just ok. I said I will buy her little girl a few little things only.

She knows I have bought stuff already for her she said she cannot think about trying to shop for anyone else at the moment, as the stress will be too much. I understand that so I replied by saying I would keep anything I have for her till another time. Was prob silly of me to remind her that I had already got her stuff as she prob felt quilty, but it just came out.

I do hope she feels better by Christmas but im ready now if she is not ( maybe thats why she told me to prepare me). I know that all Birthdays and Christmas's are hard for her and will probably always will be, Will just have to try and deal with it.

Any more responses would be appreciated

 

[Elizabeth]

Hi Lovinbiker

As a PTSD sufferer, I have to say all holidays are difficult for me. They are reminders of what I did not have, what did happen on holidays and how I never want to feel that way again. Every year I wish Christmas would just disappear. Each year I try to hide my discomfort.

My sons are grown and out of the house. Somehow I was able to hold it together for them when they were growing up. But every holiday was a trial of my emotional strength. I now live alone and holidays are so difficult to get through. I don't want it to be this way. I did not purposely choose this, rather it is something I live with the best I can. I don't know if she will feel better by Christmas. I feel you are being sensitive to her needs, so just be on standby for emotional support. The road to healing is long, difficult but ultimately worth it. We have no time line , but we do have hope. Hope is what I live on.

 

[lovinbiker]

Hi Elizabeth,
Thanks for your reply I know that she has said to me that she would spend it in bed if it was not for her little girl. I am trying to be sensitive to her but its hard as she is getting worse day by day at the moment. So I am trying to take each day as it comes and reflect from her what I should do.

I have told her im always here for her if she needs me but clearly at the moment she doesnt or at least doesnt know she does. Im pretty much living on hope at the minute as i dont know what else to do. I doubt she will feel better by Christmas but I am ready for that.

To me she is worth the wait and the stress i feel at the moment.

 

[kers]

I think any time you put your hopes on "things being better," you are setting yourself up for disappointment, because with PTSD the key is doing things just slightly differently. It takes a loooong time for things to be better or different. Change is often miniscule. I've been trying to do the holidays differently for DECADES. It's just a huge trigger for me. I will say, though, that being in therapy has made a huge difference and now I am able to see how I *can* do things differently, and I'm taking the tiny steps to accomplish that.

 

[lovinbiker]

Hi kers,
Thanks for your reply, I think youve just given me a reality check on whats in store for me so I thank you for being honest. I think all I can do for now is be here for her when she needs me.

I would love a sign from her that she stills sees a future with me as I am only assuming she does now cos she hasnt finished it. A well known member here said as a carer I need the skin of a rhino and the patience of a saint, so im gonna practice that.

 

[sisterinsurvival]

It would take the weight of the world off my shoulders if someone else would take the reindeers' reigns and pull off Christmas at our place. Would she allow you to do it or get very upset if the tree magically appeared...gifts included? Fall on your sword...figuratively, of course...and tell her that you don't mind if she shops or not. You will handle it.

Do the two of you live together?

As for getting better, I had two-and-a-half years of sheer hell. The last two-and-a-half have been better though they have had there moments too. My husband had no expectations of me and accepted what I was going through. Pushing her to be better than she is will add more stress and might result in her pushing you away.

I wish you the best in your journey down this path to healing with your loved one. I know that without the love and support of my husband and the strength and presence of my counselor I probably would not be alive...because it got that bad.

 

[lovinbiker]

Hi sisterinsurvival nice name :)

In answer to your question we do not live together and as such she would probably flip and kill me if I was to do as you suggest. I would love to do that for her but would not be a good idea. She knows I dont want anything from her but would happily give her something, but I dont think she could cope with that cos she would feel quilty.

She has since said to me that she wants to be left alone so I gotta respect that and do as she says as I dont wanna lose her for good. I dont push her at all to get better and I have told her I will be with her all the way at a distance she wants. I really dont know what the future holds for us but she has my love and support always and forever I just hope she knows that.

 

[sisterinsurvival]

She is fortunate to have you. I wish both of you the best.

 

[seedling]

LB, you are a dedicated carer. Maybe there will be some other occasion for the gifts you have gotten her. A "just because" time or a gift for a time when she has had a success or taken a small step forward. You will know best if there is such a time.

However you can make things easier for her I'm sure you are willing. Yes, she might feel guilty but everyone likes to feel taken care of and appreciated when it's needed, so maybe there's a way you can find to give to her without making it more difficult for her.

Take care and hope you find a way to your own meaningful Christmas.