General Christmas Wish List- Am I Asking Too Much?

[Dallas]

My boyfriend has been talking about wanting to move in with me and we’ve been talking about getting married. He gave me his mother’s diamond engagement ring, but I am not wearing it because we are definitely still in the talking stage.

He has been in the hospital frequently since we’ve been dating the past 7 months. Currently he’s been in the hospital now for almost 3 weeks. That is a LOT of hospital time and I want to make sure we are both well enough to handle that.

I’ve been thinking that moving in now is too early yet because there are things I want to have in place before this happens.

1. I want us to be married before he moves in here. I don’t want to be merely “shacking up” and going for a test run.
2. I want to take at least a couple more months of getting to know each other better before officially becoming engaged.
3. I want to meet his sister and his two sons.
4. I want him to meet and talk to my pastors. Ideally, I would like him to come to church with me on a regular basis.
5. I want to talk to his doctors so I understand his condition more clearly so I can be more equipped to help him with his needs and illness.
6. I want him to be sure he is emotionally and physically ready to be in a relationship. I don’t want to put additional stress or pressure on him. He has been in the hospital a LOT and I want to make sure he is doing well and is as healthy as possible.
7. I want him to be enrolled in a school program or have some type of definite plan or goal for his life in place.
8. I want both of our financial situations to be completely open and out on the table.
9. I want to be a little more stable in my own finances.
10. I don’t want to mislead myself in thinking I can cure him or fix him or save him. I just want to be there for him in a loving, supportive, mutually satisfying, reciprocal relationship.

These are the things I need to make me feel safe.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[amethist]

A lot to ask for Dallas, but very, very understandable.

I would put them all in a list of size with the biggest wish at the top. Then start ticking them of from the bottom up.

Sounds strange I know but by doing it this way, you are asking him to do the smaller things first, building up to the bigger things as time goes on and he is more stable.

 

[Dallas]

Thanks, Amethist-

That is a very good idea, and makes it a lot more manageable and less overwhelming for me as well!

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I wish you the best with your boyfriend. I hope you get it all. I love happy endings or beginnings I should say.

 

[Nicolette]

Idealism is one thing, reality is another. Having dealt with PTSD for coming up to 6 years I could take some of your points about what you want from him and show you a different perspective Dallas like

I want us to be married before he moves in here. I don’t want to be merely “shacking up” and going for a test run.

You profess to need to know more about PTSD. Talking to a doctor will not give you that. Its only experience and someone with PTSD has their own evolution as what my husband could not do 6 years ago he can do now. That aside it was hell at times and I'd be asking you what is so wrong with seeing if he can cope with living with you and up to your expectations before making a commitment so big. If it doesn't work out, as PTSD can break many a relationship, you have lost a bit of pride but how would you feel being married to someone you really don't know that much about and ended up facing divorce. I respect your morals and values, I had those when I started out but I actually now believe that there is nothing wrong with 'living in sin' for awhile first to see how it goes. I feel saying a 'test run' is a bit harsh if he wants to marry you and you are saying no at this point in time. You have doubts - wouldn't quelling those without a huge commitment be a smarter step than jumping in the deep end?

I think you also have to work out, from your list, what are your deal breakers and what are not.

An example being, just picking one.....

I want him to meet and talk to my pastors. Ideally, I would like him to come to church with me on a regular basis.

I am not religious, was christened, my stepfather wouldn't allow any religion and yet I respected my 1st husband's wish to have our son christened and I have given my son every opportunity to follow a faith if he so wishes. While doing this I chose to sit on the fence - support my son if he wanted it (he ended up going to Catholic schools etc) but I didn't participate in a lot of religious events. My son went to church if he so wished but I didn't believe I should be forced to go just because he wanted to.

My view of talking to pastors is not like having a chat to a friend, but talking to a person who fills somewhat of a counselor role with a religious spin. While I would be okay with that out of respect for a partner, being preached to is something I find uncomfortable. Add PTSD to that and I don't know what you get unless he is religious like yourself.

Also, with your list - what is the time frame associated to it? Getting his PTSD managed will take some time if he's being hospitalised at present let alone asking that same person to be studying. I know it doesn't seem like a big ask but after 6 years Anthony is studying but it breaks him so he has to have time away from it as it is a stressor due to expectations of time, performance etc.

I can't find the right words now as I am exhausted however I will re-iterate it has taken 6 years for my husband to go from spending days (up to a week) in bed with this monster to functioning normally most of the time and he does not work etc. I do have expectations of him but you can't ask a child to run when they are still mastering crawling. I really don't think you have a grasp on how this can really be and I feel that living with him would give you a lot more of an indication of what you are really dealing with - not just the part time version you are seeing.

There are high functioning PTSD sufferers who could probably do well with your list but I don't think your boyfriend is close to that if he has currently been hospitalised for 3 weeks. My only advice is read all the fine print before you sign on the dotted line.

 

[Dallas]

Thanks Nicolette-I appreciate your valuable insight and advice.

I think you articulated all the things I've been feeling. I want to slow down with everything and take things more slowly and make sure he is even able to function on a basic level. He's the one who wants to move in and start school (like next week!) but I think he needs to take one step at time. I think he wants to bite off more than he can chew right now.

I agree, being in the hospital for three weeks is something he'll need to "recover" from. Hence my hesitation about wondering if he's even okay to be in a relationship right now, let alone moving in together and all that entails.

So, most of the things on my list are really about slowing down and getting to know each other better before we make a final committment (ie, signing on the dotted line!). I think he is tired of not feeling well, and is impatient about trying to get on with a normal life.

...He's still not even out of the hospital yet-

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

I don't have any sort of time frame-no biological clock to worry about. I just want to make sure we're both healthy as can be. I also want to make sure we're on the same page spiritually (not religiously) which so far I think we are. I'm pretty close to my pastors and feel like they've helped me enormously in all areas of my life. I would like my boyfriend to have the opportunity to talk to them too...

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Nicolette]

I would like my boyfriend to have the opportunity to talk to them too...

I like the idea of opportunity but him still having a choice is good as you may find he may be overwhelmed just letting you in.

 

[Bilby]

That's a lot! :)

1. I want us to be married before he moves in here. I don’t want to be merely “shacking up” and going for a test run. 2. I want to take at least a couple more months of getting to know each other better before officially becoming engaged.

6. I want him to be sure he is emotionally and physically ready to be in a relationship. I don’t want to put additional stress or pressure on him. He has been in the hospital a LOT and I want to make sure he is doing well and is as healthy as possible.

I actually think taking the 'test run' would be better - I think waiting until you are married before living together may well be a recipe for disaster. I think you need to see how you both function on a daily basis, together, and do that for a while. The normal pressure of a relationship and daily life can weigh heavily on people, let alone those who need to factor in PTSD and all that it brings to a relationship. Taking your time, by living together for a while and seeing how things go, sounds like a far better option. By all means, hold off on the engagement until you find your feet and have a better idea of how you are both travelling.

Perhaps, during this test run, is when you would be able to meet his sister and his sons.

4. I want him to meet and talk to my pastors. Ideally, I would like him to come to church with me on a regular basis.

That's quite a big expectation from where I sit too. I am by no means religious, but I was christened etc and went to church every week when I was a child. I am certainly not resentful about this - I feel grateful in some respects for the knowledge of that religion it gave me (I find religions interesting) but it is not for me. I would feel quite overwhelmed if my partner expected me to speak to their pastors and attend church if I was not religious myself. Again, adding in PTSD - well... talking to Pastors could be somewhat difficult, if it was indeed possible for your partner to do at all?

5. I want to talk to his doctors so I understand his condition more clearly so I can be more equipped to help him with his needs and illness.

Is your partner ok with this? It might be better if you speak to your own therapist, in order to learn more about PTSD and to ensure that you have the support that you need, for yourself, going forward.

8. I want both of our financial situations to be completely open and out on the table. 9. I want to be a little more stable in my own finances.

I think both of those are quite reasonable and important.

7. I want him to be enrolled in a school program or have some type of definite plan or goal for his life in place.

This could be easier said than done - and it will also add additional pressure to his daily life if it does occur. I have watched my husband change his plans/directions so many times and it is incredibly difficult - not just for me, but for him too obviously :) He has had trouble seeing himself with much of a future (indeed I would think that is quite a common thing for PTSD sufferers), therefore he has changed direction a number of times, has had difficulty holding down employment etc. It may take him some time (even though he sounds very enthusiastic) to be able to make a clear decision about his future and to be able to make that committment.

10. I don’t want to mislead myself in thinking I can cure him or fix him or save him. I just want to be there for him in a loving, supportive, mutually satisfying, reciprocal relationship.

I think this can be assisted by having a relationship that is based on healthy communication (I'm learning just how beneficial this is - we had totally lost the 'communication' bit!) and also having the right understanding of the illness. Having the right support - for you both - is also important :)

I'm not sure if this has been helpful or not and by no means have I intended to be critical. I wish you and your partner all the best and I'm really glad he is getting the help that he deserves to be getting :)

B x

 

[Dallas]

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful comments bilby-I appreciate your input to all this. :)

I actually think taking the 'test run' would be better

I am thinking you and Nicolette may be right on this. Although he wants to start moving his stuff in next week (literally). He might be getting out of the hospital Monday, but I am learning the "wait and see" attitude is a much better approach. I am just concerned about his health, and think maybe he needs at least a few weeks for a "readjustment" period before starting to move after being in the hospital. He is currently living in a VA housing block, and I think he really wants to get the heck out of there.

This could be easier said than done

He keeps insisting he wants to start school in January, but I try and tell him the enrollment process alone may take till next spring. Also his veterans benefits will pay for that, and the paperwork alone will likely take months...who knows...He is just so excited to start a normal life....then he pushes himself and falls down again. We'll just have to see....

I would feel quite overwhelmed if my partner expected me to speak to their pastors and attend church

He is actual pretty spiritual/religious....in some ways more than me, so I think we are pretty compatible in that area. I probably would've stopped dating him if we weren't. A typical hot and sexy date for us is to read scripture out of the Bible together and discuss it! lol! I've finally learned the hard way to stay out of people's relationships with God. Only God can change people's hearts, I learned that the hard way. But I would like him to meet my pastors when he is feeling up to it. They are fantastic people!

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[ISupportHer]

I think your list has a lot of important points. You also have gotten some really good feedback.

My first reaction was that it would probably be overwhelming to present the whole list at once or expect it all in one step. Just guessing but I think it may get viewed as an attempt at controlling. Don't get me wrong, I think you are right in wanting these things, just wondering how it will be received.

ISH

 

[ISupportHer]

OK, my second thought is perhaps concern about YOU if you don't get the "wish list" That perhaps you are setting yourself up for a fall if you ask for it all and don't get it. If you pick the one and don't get the response you hope for, then it is still disappointing but not quite as bad. At least that is how it would seem to me. Just sharing how I would feel but not trying to displace my expectations onto you.

ISH