Christmas

[WendyA]

Sorry, I had to do it. I have been struggling for a while now with this coming up and now that its so close its awful. I didn't see any recent threads on it and I was starting to feel like maybe it is just me that it is causing so much pain for. However, I know that the holidays bring feelings to even people without PTSD, however, now that I am in the grips of it, it is monumental.

I have three children and one of them is 9 and this is potentially her last Santa Christmas. I thought about this pre-PTSD and wanted to make this the best year ever for her...instead it is just the exact polar opposite! I have not been there for them emotionally really for months. I don't even sleep at home anymore because my husband and I are separated, which is new within this last week. Even when I am around them, as much as I know in my brain I really do love them, I don't feel anything. I can't feel anything. I feel so disconnected and it breaks my already broken and blackened heart. I have lost my mom as well within this last week and with the PTSD it is just too much. I am not really coping well on a regular day, but watching everyone else have good times, laugh and be loved, all things I don't have, is painful to say the least. And the holiday just exacerbates the issue. This is normally a holiday that I love, because of my children and I am not "there" this year.

Please someone respond and let me know how you are feeling. It is important for me to not feel so incredibly alone in this, even though I am physically alone. I need to feel like I'm going to be safe. I know the suicide rate goes up in general during the holidays, but I feel like this could be dangerous for me.

Also, I am sort of nervous to really post how I feel here now because I received a notification from the forum admin that they had to edit another post of mine and I wasn't sure what I said that was so bad. I thought this was one place I could talk honestly, but now I'm worried about what I say because I don't want to be removed or anything, I need this site right now. I didn't curse or anything I would have thought would have been a violation of the forum rules...who knows, just disappointing that I have to be so careful now.

 

[EverOnly358]

Wendy,

The holidays are a really difficult time of year, and as a Mom, I think it's harder, because you want to make everything perfect for your kids. You're obviously going through so much right now! I'm so sorry you just lost your Mom, and being separated from your husband has to be so difficult and add PTSD on top, it really is too much, right?

I have a lot in common with you on this... I'm just feeling incredibly burned out on all the things I would normally be doing. I have absolutely no enthusiasm for Christmas this year... I'm actually counting the days until it's over. And I know that's unfair and I should be doing so much more, because my kids deserve a great Christmas. It's so difficult... I'm already exhausted and overwhelmed and burned out, and then I end up beating myself up (figuratively) for not being all excited and involved in all the Christmas festivities. I've already missed three Christmas parties I was supposed to go to, and Gah! I just wish the season was over already.

I know this is a difficult time of year. I know. :hug: Be kind to yourself. Just do the best you can. Try to enjoy the little things, being together, as much as possible. And know you're not the only one struggling right now.

Hang in there, everything changes,
D123

P.S. I think just about everyone receives notifications from the forum admin at some point about their posts. Follow the rules, of course, but don't let it bother you too, too much. This is a fantastic site and people here are very understanding.

 

[Hashi]

Personally, I think Christmas should be banned. Anyone who wants to celebrate something with their family is welcome to get on with that however they like, whenever they like. People for whom it has a religious meaning will, I'm sure, not care what the non-Christians do on 25 December. Why impose a particular date and unrealistic expectations/feelings of not being enough on vast quantities of other people?

I'm afraid I can't say anything about children, but I think Christmas is hard enough already. Can't imagine trying to meet their expectations/your hopes for their experience while dealing with such an over-hyped and difficult event.

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Wendy,

You're not alone. I began a thread around 3am this morning basically on the same subject https://www.myptsd.com/threads/christmas-love-it-and-hate-it.38744/

I was sorry to hear that you lost your mom last week. That is really tough to handle especially with the holidays, being separated from your family, and dealing with PTSD. I'm so sorry you're in a rough place. You're not alone though - I began a thread around 3am this morning, somewhat related. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/christmas-love-it-and-hate-it.38744/ I lost my mom around the holidays (although a long time ago) also - this time of year is hard on a lot of people. And I concur with Hashi; sometimes I just wish it could be banned altogether.

But we've got ourselves into a fix - so much of Christmas IS about the children and little one's look forward to it with such excitement. I hope you're able to give yourself some good pampering, find ways to relax and let things settle down a bit so you are able to participate in the holiday for your children's sake. I'm sure you love them very much, but now is a time to love yourself. You deserve it. You owe it to yourself and your children so you can be there for them in the future years to come. As D123 said, everything changes . . . it will take some while, undoubtedly, but a new tradition or two could be in order to begin making new associations and separate what you're feeling now from what you want to feel in the future.

(((hugs)) if you'd like them.
Drew

 

[Britt.f7]

The first Christmas after my mom died I was fairly numb. I definitely didn't care if we celebrated it, but some people were counting on me. My boys, who are in their teens and my younger sister. If I would have done what I felt like doing it would have been like any other day that I was having at the time, and that wasn't good. Thinking back, I don't even remember what I did about gifts, but I must have managed. I went through all the motions and faked it the best I could. This was two Christmas's ago.

This Christmas is a little easier. I'm actually in the Christmas spirit. Though about a week ago there was the anniversary of one of my traumas and my husband thought I was heading for the hospital again(which is what happened a couple months after Christmas that first year).

Please cut yourself some slack. Fake it when you have to, such as around the kids. Sometimes that helps bring back some feelings. You are having a very stressful time. It wouldn't hurt to tell them that mommy is having a hard time, but that it will be okay(even if it doesn't feel like that).

Take a deep breath. A hot shower. Most of all, be gentle with yourself. You deserve to.