Childhood Chronic invalidation of feelings

[WishfulThinking123]

Growing up my feelings were so invalidated-I was always being ridiculous, told I had no right to be upset about that, being overdramatic, why are you upset about such a small thing, etc... This has had a profound effect on me and this combined with the other sly what I consider emotional abuse plus seeing my father not being nice to my mother a lot of the time are some of the main reasons I have gotten into bad and abusive relationships over and over again...This really bothers me because, unfortunately I still live with my parents and I am trying to recognize the many negative cognitive distortions I have based on observing their own behavior towards me and each other and I am trying so hard to change these distortions. However, this is sooooo hard since some of this behavior is still occurring towards me. I just feel like I cant take much more of this and I just feel so broken and like I'm nothing. The only time I mean anything to anyone is when a guy wants sex with me. My family dynamic is so messed up right now I don't even know what a normal family is- is it possible that there are actual families out there to where someone's not angry with someone else on a DAILY basis. There is just so much anger/hate surrounding me constantly that my fear, disassociation, and freeze response are just continuing to get worse...I feel so scared and I feel like I have reverted to internally feeling like a child...I just don't know what to do...everything in my family is a game and I am pretty good at playing it and surviving but I am tired of playing the game and now I realize thinking of life as a game is NOT NORMAL....I'm just constantly having to change my strategies and tactics and survive...I don't want to live this way anymore...I just want to be so normal...I am just discovering how everything I thought about the world is incorrect and this is so hard to deal with...I just don't know how to even become normal because I don't know what normal is...

 

[blueangel371115]

We are kindred spirits, you and I. My issues and history are very similar. It's a struggle to cope. I've felt like :poop: one way or another fro most of my life. Wanting validation, only to be criticized/ostracized. Or wanting love because I didn't get a lot growing up and basically getting treated like a sexual object and I convinced myself it was love. I got into therapy and I hope it helps.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@blueangel371115 Thank you for reading my post and letting me know I'm not alone in feeling this way...I am in T and it has helped and is continuing to help immensely. T is oh so comforting mostly because the validation- I often start off with this is so stupid or ridiculous but this is how I feel....NO what I feel is completely normal and it is so nice to be told that. I just don't know what to do when thought patterns have been so ingrained! I think I am going to honestly print this post out and show it to my T tomorrow.

 

[blueangel371115]

I would do that. Sometimes you can write things out more clearly than you express verbally. I think your T would appreciate it.

 

[Lightje]

The biggest thing that worked for me was DBT. I would highly recommend it.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

The same thing happened to me @WishfulThinking123 .

My mother was the biggest instigator of me feeling invalidated. No matter what I felt, thought, or said I was told that I was oversensitive, overreacting, or didn't know what I was thinking. My mother was a narcissist and this I learned was "normal" behavior for someone with this personality disorder. I was my mother's scapegoat and could not do or say or think anything right in her eyes.

I felt crazy most of my life from childhood well into adulthood until I got into therapy with a T who showed me a paper on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Suddenly the scales fell from my eyes and I fully understood none of this was my fault. It wasn't me. It was my mother and her personality disorder. There was nothing I could change or do differently. I'm still learning and reading about the effects of living with someone with a personality disorder such as narcissism. They are far reaching.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Incongruous I'm sorry this happened to you as well. I am not sure I would call my mother a narcissist although she does have similarities to my past narcissistic relationships and she definitely has control issues. It's hard to come out of this hole she has put me in though...always thinking I'm not good enough and my feelings don't matter..

 

[Deleted member 8714]

always thinking I'm not good enough and my feelings don't matter..

Can so relate to those feelings. I used to have them all of the time. No longer. It took years of therapy to finally see that those were lies and I no longer had to live them.