Close To Nervous Breakdown

[Casey_03]

I'm genuinely worried I might soon have a nervous breakdown. My grandma's funeral is tomorrow and this whole week has been a tipping point for me so far.

It was a huge mistake for me to come back to the States to be closer to family. My family is not helping; they're sucking the life out of me. I don't have my own space, today they ate the only food I have remaining, food that was meant to last me at least another week, because i have no money at all and haven't been paid from work yet. I had specifically told them that my food was in there and that I needed to preserve it. But one of my cousins took it and cooked it up for everyone else. Now I have a can of soup and bread to last me another week.

Perhaps the most outrageous thing, though, is that if I even confront them on anything, they act like I'm crazy and overreacting. All I want is for my stuff to be left alone, and me to have some space.

My baby also will not stop crying. Whenever I need to sleep or desperately need a couple minutes of silence and peace, he screams at the top of his lungs, nonstop. It's likely teething, or gas. Yes, both of these things are normal, and yes, i've been through screaming fits before and I know it's what babies do.

But I have less patience for that when my relatives are around sucking the life out of me. These past few days, when my baby starts crying nonstop, I genuinely want to just get up and leave the house, for good. And never come back. Or give him up for adoption. Or just hang myself to get a minute of rest. Yes, I have had that thought. I don't think I'll act on it, but I have had that thought. Either run and abandon everyone, including my baby, or just hang myself. I'm at a breaking point. I don't know what to do. Nowhere to go, no money to stay at a hotel, and no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Friday]

Okay. So your stress cup is about maxed.

- Death of your grandmother // major stressor
- Descending hordes // ongoing stressor & removal of coping mechanisms
- Family drama (NOT meant lightly, huge things in this) // ongoing stressor
- Food-Shelter-Money-Transportation // foundational stressors
- Sick Kid - Unhappy Kid // major parenting stressor
- Borderline to outright abuse // trauma, ongoing.
- Funeral tomorrow // big stressor

Not a complete list. Not by a long shot. Especially not if we include the past year with major health problems, stalking & abuse, broken hearts, legal nightmares, new baby, moving internationally, the nightmare you found yourself in when you came "home", active sabotage instead of support ... Oh, and the not so small matters of living/working in a war zone following witnessing an assassination.

Can I just say one thing before problem solving?

I am so damn proud of you. You are doing amazing. Really. Over the past year or so life has been kicking your ass at every turn, and you have not only stood up, but done phenomenally time, after time, after time. At every single turn. Hard decision after hard decision, difficult choices, impossible situations, and you haven't just gotten through them. You have risen to them. Exhausted, hurting, betrayed, belittled, endangered, impoverished, assaulted from all sides... You have fought through & risen above all of them. Well done. Very, very well done.

***

Okay. Back to problem solving, and let's keep it simple:

Major stresses + Loss of coping mechanisms =
Bleed stress + Add coping mechanisms + Self Care

1 - What helps you bleed stress? When/Where/How can you vent some of this?

2 - What coping mechanisms can you use to help replace the ones you've lost with your home being overrun, and new ones to help shore you up?

3 - Can you find enough spare change to make these lists at McDonalds eating something high calorie from the $1 menu?

 

[Fadeaway]

I agree with @Friday 100% You have been through hell and back. I don't think I would hold up as well if I were in your shoes. You are one hell of a tough woman.

Given his age he is probably teething. Fun times. Do you have a stroller you can take him for a walk in? Getting out of the house and getting fresh air might do you both some good. Please tell me they are leaving after the funeral. If not we might have to start brainstorming creative ways to get them to leave on their own. Do you think they would believe it if all of the sudden the house was haunted? I know that isn't the most practical idea, but my heart breaks for you and i just wish there was a way to help.

 

[Casey_03]

Now it's gotten worse. Despite promises that they would not have a raucous house party here last night, they did. I have not slept. The baby was freaking out all night. I feel deathly ill and it seems my muscles have stopped working. Still have to work today.

I give up on expecting these people to be considerate. The way I see it, I have no right to really ask anything of them. This isn't my house. It's a shared house. They are grieving and have every right to get drunk together and make noise. I should have never expected them to be considerate -- and why should I? They're not the ones raising a baby alone on next to no money. That's my problem, not theirs.

Now I'm just 100% certain that there is no reason for me to stay in my hometown, near my family. I will either go back to eastern Europe (if I find a well paying, decent job) or move to some far away city. I won't hold a grudge but I don't want any further contact with these people. They're already getting to keep my portion of the inheritance. They should be f*cking thanking me.

 

[Casey_03]

I only attended part of the funeral. Feel too sick and can't stop shaking. Only attended the mass but left before they went to the grave.

 

[ladee]

@Casey_03 please try to stay in the States.
There are agencies to help you.
Everyone agrees with what @Friday says.
We know you are exhausted from being exhausted!
Your stress cup looks like a barrel...not a cup.
If nothing else seek out a home for abused women. Lie if you have to. You will get help with the baby..get some much needed rest and some peace of mind for a little while.
This idea is not as far fetched as it Sounds.
But somewhere, somehow you are going to have to get some peace.
You have been thru more than many of us could endure.
Start looking for agencies to help you.
And before you leave Little Man with strangers bring him to me!
You always talk about giving up the baby...if this is something you feel you need to do...then do it.
But if that is not something you can do..accept that your family has let you down and get help. It may not be ideal but if you don't get some rest and peace you will do what you threaten.
No one has to keep doing this alone. Not even you!