Sufferer Closed off for a while. Looking for motivation to resume therapy.

[Friday]

Great therapists are amazing.

Mediocre therapists are… sometimes useful, mostly an expensive waste of time.

Bad therapists are worse than no therapy x a zillion.

If you want to get back into therapy? Find a good one.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Thanks.
I'm at a point in life where I'm tired of the BS. Tired of manipulation. Tired of domestic abuse. Tired of sexual assault. Tired of being told that these things are my fault and my responsibility. All this from people who accuse me of avoiding self-reflection, but fail to look in the mirror themselves. Tired of being 'in communion' with people who make excuses for and protect individuals who harm me.
The answer continues to be, leave. I'll keep to myself. I might be broke and close to eviction and homelessness, but it's clear that I can't stay either. I don't have the community, others do. Even if someone from 'the tribe' were to sexually assault me, if the community believes that me speaking up and raising awareness is a problem and not sharing valuable information to 'the tribe', I am once again the problem. Because the group decides who the problem is. Whoever has the power and influence in the tribe is most likely going to 'succeed'. Sexual assault means nothing because I'm not 'in' the group. Which begs the question- if I never belonged, why should I stay?

Being isolated or dead is better than drowning myself to fit other people's expectations and molds. Better than crumbling and shrinking to withstand other's projections. My own unhealed stuff will follow me, sure. Some level of 're-enacting' is to be expected.

But literally being followed, manipulated, and pressured to see if my abusers and their support can hit a psychic breaking point? To test me? To make me suffer? To see if I'll relapse? To test my willpower? To see how far I'll push my morality, how deep I'm willing to sink the knife when retaliating, how much information to expose? To watch what I'll do? To 'prove' I'm not the moral compass that was lost to the winds? That I was unworthy all the long?

I wear my healer hat more often than I realize, but when I work on my trauma, the hat comes off.
When I write to process, the censor comes off.
When I go to therapy to process trauma, the censor is off.
It's not for those who crumble under verbal abuse.
It's not for the faint of heart.
It's not for those who fear me.

I hear you.

Feels like you're speaking my thoughts far better than I can.

I see it simply.

Are you abusing or assualting? No.
Are you forced to act against how you truly are? Against your wishes, desires and choices?
Despite what other claim there is a lot of ways to manipulate someone.
If so, none of it is your fault or responsibility.

If I had an answer I'd give it. I dont know how to get away from mine or if i can.

Your moral compass cannot be lost. If tortured, abused, assaulted, manipulated or messed with and the compass shifts, that lays with those affecting you. Their moral compass forcing yours out of the way briefly due to pain, abuse and manipulations.

That is not truly you. They will find amusement and satisfaction no matter what your actions are and delight in any result they get.

If you can leave and be free from it, do it. Fu*k them all, f*ck the hardship and problems. You will thrive and delight in life without others affecting your freedom and choice. If there is a way, find it, take it, and leave them behind to rot and destroy themselves.

 

[Dissected]

I hear you.

Feels like you're speaking my thoughts far better than I can.

I see it simply.

Are you abusing or assualting? No.
Are you forced to act against how you truly are? Against your wishes, desires and choices?
Despite what other claim there is a lot of ways to manipulate someone.
If so, none of it is your fault or responsibility.

If I had an answer I'd give it. I dont know how to get away from mine or if i can.

Your moral compass cannot be lost. If tortured, abused, assaulted, manipulated or messed with and the compass shifts, that lays with those affecting you. Their moral compass forcing yours out of the way briefly due to pain, abuse and manipulations.

That is not truly you. They will find amusement and satisfaction no matter what your actions are and delight in any result they get.

If you can leave and be free from it, do it. Fu*k them all, f*ck the hardship and problems. You will thrive and delight in life without others affecting your freedom and choice. If there is a way, find it, take it, and leave them behind to rot and destroy themselves.

No. I did make a choice to give in some, even out of provocation and rage. I could sense the trap, and I stopped caring. For a moment I got tired of avoiding. All things considered, I could have done much worse. Decided on nothing too harmful or damaging. But I did give into the set-up, even if for a moment.

I could have done what I usually do which is avoid interacting with anyone online and most people in the waking world. Probably should go back to this soon.

I have to take some responsibility, even when provoked or manipulated.
It's just worth pointing out and considering that there was an explicit provocation and manipulation involved. Doesn't necessarily mean zero responsibility, but it probably does shift the amount of responsibility for each party depending on things like the severity and the situation.

 

[Rose White]

Being isolated or dead is better than drowning myself to fit other people's expectations and molds. Better than crumbling and shrinking to withstand other's projections. My own unhealed stuff will follow me, sure. Some level of 're-enacting' is to be expected.

This is brave of you to face it, your determination is inspiring. Welcome to the site!

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

probably does shift the amount of responsibility for each party depending on things like the severity and the situation.

It does, I too gave into a trap through pain and suffering. Not necessarily a choice but pain forced care and clarity from my mind.

I have decided to wear my healers cap for a little bit. Provide what kindness and comfort I can whilst I can. If sharing limited experiences and insights can help one person, I'll try for now.

I am not truly anonymous on here or anywhere it seems. I think I would like and appreciate knowing you. Safer being anonymous if you can.

 

[Dissected]

This is brave of you to face it, your determination is inspiring. Welcome to the site!

Thank you for your welcome, Rose.

 

[Dissected]

I have decided to wear my healers cap for a little bit. Provide what kindness and comfort I can whilst I can. If sharing limited experiences and insights can help one person, I'll try for now.

I am not truly anonymous on here or anywhere it seems. I think I would like and appreciate knowing you. Safer being anonymous if you can.

Best of luck with that.

Same. It's a shame that true anonymity has a price these days. If 'true anonymity' ever genuinely existed in the first place, most of it has been lost to the age of the digital sea.

 

[Susan Jane]

Welcome to the forum

 

[DharmaGirl]

I've been told that I'm too sensitive and that my emotions, notably my anger, are too intesnse and inappropiate.

Ah, the abuser go to. Yes, all the hateful things my mother said were my fault, I was too sensitive. You know, as soon as I hear those words I conclude that the person saying them is abusive. I may be wrong sometimes but it is #1 on my red flags list. You aren't too sensitive, you are as sensitive as you need to be.

Welcome to the forum and I hope you continue to share and be a part of this community.

 

[Dissected]

Welcome to the forum

Thank you for the welcome, Susan Jane.

 

[Dissected]

Ah, the abuser go to. Yes, all the hateful things my mother said were my fault, I was too sensitive. You know, as soon as I hear those words I conclude that the person saying them is abusive. I may be wrong sometimes but it is #1 on my red flags list. You aren't too sensitive, you are as sensitive as you need to be.

Welcome to the forum and I hope you continue to share and be a part of this community.

Thank you and sorry you can relate.

There have been times where, in hindsight, I recognize that my emotions can be inappropriate in proportion to a situation.
But there are an equal amount, if not more times, when my emotions are not out of proportion to a given situation as well.

It is fair to be wary about the “too sensitive” phrase.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

The emotions are valid, they're your body and mind conveying something. It's what you do with them that counts. Constraining and restraining them amplifies them.

Biggest problem with emotions rests in others actions and reactions.