Childhood COCSA within family

[beaneeboo]

Like, with bullying, emotional or physical, what happened isn't erased because of the age of the other person that did it.

THIS

Same with COCSA. With COCSA, the behaviours are still damaging and sometimes even abusive even when caused without the same intent as an adult.

THIS

Sometimes, people don't understand when they're hurting another, but that doesn't mean that being hurt by it isn't real or unjustified.

THIS

 

[S e r]

I think the key for OP is that you didn't know you were doing harm on your little sister. You didn't understand that harm had been done to you. How much harm, and the impact will vary based on any coercion, acts, fear etc. I think you need to keep clear that you did not know- you did not know because you were yourself a victim not yet in touch with context and impacts. Instead of those sister pairs- start paying attention to little 8 year olds and how young and vulnerable they too are. Yes, you passed it on- but you deserve infinite mercy as your young self would have been mirroring and trying to make sense of what had happened. If your sister has done the same to a young cousin or neighbor- how do you see it then? Yes, I believe it does meet a definition of COCSA- but from one young victim repeating behavior. It was an adult that started this chain and they deserve the guilt and shame, not your tender self.

 

[beaneeboo]

I think the key for OP is that you didn't know you were doing harm on your little sister. You didn't understand that harm had been done to you. How much harm, and the impact will vary based on any coercion, acts, fear etc. I think you need to keep clear that you did not know- you did not know because you were yourself a victim not yet in touch with context and impacts. Instead of those sister pairs- start paying attention to little 8 year olds and how young and vulnerable they too are. Yes, you passed it on- but you deserve infinite mercy as your young self would have been mirroring and trying to make sense of what had happened. If your sister has done the same to a young cousin or neighbor- how do you see it then? Yes, I believe it does meet a definition of COCSA- but from one young victim repeating behavior. It was an adult that started this chain and they deserve the guilt and shame, not your tender self.

Couldn't agree more with everything written here...

 

[Miss Scapegoat]

So I haven't shared this with anyone ever and I'm not sure if anyone will understand or make sense of this but here it goes...

At the age of 4, I was introduced to the idea of sex. My uncle, who is 4 years older than me ( so 8 at the time) got along really well. We would play video games in his room when I would go to my nans house after school. But one day he said he found a "weird" movie in my other uncles room, and me being curious I wanted to know what the movie was. It turned out to be a porn movie, and obviously being as young as I was I was just confused. He suggested that I copy what the female was doing to the male onto him (oral sex). I don't remember much after that, just that it happened a couple of more times after that, evidently stopping at the age of 8/9. The problem was, he wasn't the only one that introduced me, my older female cousin also did. When I use to go round her house for sleepovers as children we would 'play' with each other. I know it may seem crazy but at the time, these two people were essentially my 'favourite' people so I just thought it was a normal thing to do, and because of this, I did the same thing to my sister who is 4 years younger than me. That only happened twice (I was 8 and she was 4), but it's the moment that's affected me the most.

The fact that I copied what was being done to me on the person that I'm supposed to protect sickens me to the core every single day. I try to tell myself that we were both kids but I can't seem to escape the feeling that I'm a monster, a person that doesn't deserve love because of what I've done. It's hard to think of any good childhood memories even though I know deep down that despite the COCSA my childhood was amazing. I'm 21 now and the feeling of immense guilt happened at 16/17 when I finally stopped kidding myself into thinking everything that happened was a bad dream. I think about it everyday, flashback sort of memories, especially if I'm being intimate with a boy. I haven't seeked out therapy yet as I can't afford it at the moment but I do know I should go as It's affecting my everyday life, including uni work and relationships. I'm not sure how to cope with this trauma, I think about suicide everyday because of it. My brain just can't seem to make any sense of it. On top of everything the relationship I have with my sister currently isn't good, I was horrible to her throughout my teenage years and we would argue a lot, but now we don't argue, we just don't talk. Whenever I see two little sisters playing and being happy together it causes a huge lump in my throat because I wish that was me and my sister, but because of what's happened between us I don't think we could have any sort of relationship, every time she looks at me I feel like she thinks I'm disgusting and hates me, but I wouldn't blame her because that's exactly how I feel about myself.

Growing up I thought I didn't belong here, like I was put here by mistake and I ruin people's lives and I still do think that. I thought I was a weirdo and that if anyone was to find out about what happened then they'd hate me, so I kept it to myself, unknowingly making it way harder for myself. I feel weird and out of place at family parties, I hate going to them.

Is there any suggestions or advice anyone could please give? I don't think I can go on much longer like this.

Everyone should have access to therapy. If it’s a financial issue or you’re uninsured, many practices have interns offering reduced rates or sliding scale fees. There are apps such as BetterHelp. It sounds like you’re a student so you should have help available to you through your university or may be able to get a student discount or rate through a provider. You can try asking a social worker, your primary care doctor or even your local ER department for referrals for mental health care assistance that doesn’t require insurance and is free or low cost. If you’re employed you can reach out to your EAP which usually offers a limited number of free therapy visits. As you’re a survivor of sexual abuse, some organizations that focus on that or places like domestic violence shelters offer free therapy individually or in groups. Since many are virtual, you don’t necessarily need to be local. I know of a charity that specifically helps connect Spanish speaking people to free or low cost therapy options in their language. There seems to be something for everyone. For anyone who is struggling, please know there’s so many options out there if it’s something you’re ready to try. It’s hard to find the time and energy to advocate for yourself, but your mental health is worth it, you’re worth it.

 

[Mach123]

I think the key for OP is that you didn't know you were doing harm on your little sister. You didn't understand that harm had been done to you. How much harm, and the impact will vary based on any coercion, acts, fear etc. I think you need to keep clear that you did not know- you did not know because you were yourself a victim not yet in touch with context and impacts. Instead of those sister pairs- start paying attention to little 8 year olds and how young and vulnerable they too are. Yes, you passed it on- but you deserve infinite mercy as your young self would have been mirroring and trying to make sense of what had happened. If your sister has done the same to a young cousin or neighbor- how do you see it then? Yes, I believe it does meet a definition of COCSA- but from one young victim repeating behavior. It was an adult that started this chain and they deserve the guilt and shame, not your tender self.

Hey Mach,

Thank you for your kind words! I will be purchasing that book, thank you for the advice. I have searched therapy that helps me process what I am going through but unfortunately I have not been successful. Can I ask why you might think it is CSA? As we were both children at the time so I myself don't really see it that way but I am interested on your take.

Hi I want to clarify and say what you described pointed to CSA IMO and you’ve probably experienced it rather than anyone was guilty of being an aggressor or abuser. I hope you saw it that way! In the beginning survivors feel terrible on the one hand and like nothing really happened on the other so what’s the big deal. You were a kid and none of this was your fault is the main thing I’d have you take away. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to deal with it though. Good luck and I hope you find a therapist. A trauma informed therapist specifically.

 

[bluemoon_]

I have been inactive for quite a while on this thread as it was too hard to read. I think the worst part about it is that although I am very grateful and appreciative of your kind words, I can't help but think I do not deserve it as I have made my sister, who I was supposed to protect, feel those same negative emotions. I am in therapy now and my therapist is helping me cope with these emotions and reassures me each time that it was not my fault. I have not concluded that It was not my fault yet, however, it is getting better. The worst part about this is grieving the person I could have been. what my childhood could have been like if that did not happen. I always envy the people that have not gone through trauma, their lives seem so much more relaxed and carefree whereas I struggle on a daily basis through mistakes I made as a child. I also can't think of the good moments from my childhood without those negative thoughts clouding over me. I get angry at the adults in my life at the time because why didn't they do something? Could they not tell I was struggling? I know it is not their fault, but I wish they paid attention more. Why does this thing we call life have to be so damn hard? But on a more positive note, the therapy is going well, I have high hopes that I will eventually find peace with this whole thing, and I hope everyone else does too! Again, thank you for all the messages <3

PS The therapist that I do have is not trauma based but she qualifies in guilt and shame... is that something I should be concerned about and seek a new therapist? I only ask because I saw 1/2 messages about having a trauma-based therapist specifically.

 

[Sideways]

is that something I should be concerned about and seek a new therapist?

Depends on resources. For some folks, there are plenty of trauma therapists to choose from and they can afford that route. But not all folks can, and if your T is helpful with your current distress and function that’s worth a lot.