Coercion, Choice & Clusterf*cks In Between.

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Ronin , I think most definitely.

:hug:

 

[scout86]

I guess that’s my point- the sauce must be the same for the goose and the gander to be reasonable.

It's only reasonable if the goose and the gander are the same. (Which is what I think @Ronin is saying.) If your past actions bother you, you're in a WAY different place than the sort of person who does something that causes damage and moves on without a backward glance. People make mistakes, but what they do after that counts for a lot IMO.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @scout86 . :hug:

 

[Freida]

Forced compliance - it's a thing. Then you are left with doubts about who you are as a person.
But when it's about survival? Is it different?

 

[scout86]

But when it's about survival? Is it different?

I think it is, if you value surviving.

In one of my favorite PTSD books, the author makes the point that people pretty much always make the best choice they are capable of at the time. It may not be the best choice. It may not even be the best choice you are capable of under better circumstances. But it's the best choice you're capable of at the time. He strongly suggests accepting that as a fact and not spending a lot of time beating yourself up over it.

What IS the point of beating yourself up over a decision? I'm not saying there isn't one, I'm asking what it is. Because, if we're doing it, it's for a reason. What's the real purpose? Because beating yourself up doesn't change the past in any way, shape, or form.

 

[Freida]

It may not be the best choice.

My guru used to say "When there is no good decision you made the least worst one."

 

[Mee]

My guru used to say "When there is no good decision you made the least worst one."

Yes!

This .

I am also able to hold sometimes I made bad decisions that I didn’t have to. Confusingly I find these don’t give me the same conflict. I know I did a wrong thing . I know I didn’t act in a cool, calm mind ( I am thinking of a particular thing I did during my breakdown which I am ashamed of but not conflicted over- it was stupid. And I am not conflicted over it because I can comfortably say ‘it was wrong’. ‘I messed up’. And that’s important too. It’s Human to f up sometimes - that’s not the problem- it’s the denial or failure to grow from it that makes it problematic.

The confliction is over things I made the least worst choice and it doesn’t sit well. About - Not having the ‘control’ to own the bad action as my own free choice.

when I think about it it’s clear how that would lead to the PTSD symptom of wanting a safe and controlled environment - to offer freedom to make the ‘right choice’ and why making choices itself becomes laden with expectation to ‘get it wrong’. - once some of us had only a choice that felt ‘least wrong’. So the fear of wrong lurks in every choice?

 

[Ronin]

@Freida, I figure if it's for survival it means double not on you.

As you can lose everything.
It's not even choosing the least of a few worsts, there.
It's making it out alive out of a situation designed to kill you (/yours.)

So doing everything with nothing.

Mindf*ck because not the same situation... not choosing something shitty in a situation of few choices.

*Creating* a choice...
Where *all* were taken away.

That element, creating choices?
Makes it veeery easy to jump to a myriad of conclusions it ALL was your choice, the inception of *whole* the situation, down to choices for every actor in it.

Don't let your head go there.
You were creating life in death.
*Not* the death all around.

Life.
For you & everyone worth living after.
That is a good thing.

A scumbag that put you there?
Was his choice to mess up so much hence his risk of winding up dead.
That you still consider him a human being only shows how much YOU are one. Not that he needs concern.

But you do double.
Bc you created life for you...
And have yet so much extras like his fugly ass corpse to drag with you.

You're a badass...
And screaming at it all is totally valid option. ;)

 

[Freida]

awww... :hug:

And no matter what you think you must blame yourself for --- a reminder that YOU are your harshest critic. Because those around you, even those who know the story, probably don't think the same way you do.....

Even if you do deserve blame that is your past. In your present you are a badass who brings a wealth of knowledge and caring to those around you. Maybe mistakes in the past were necessary to help you become the person who helps others today. :hug:

 

[Ronin]

@Mee,

Fear of wrong, yeah. But also a chance to do right. ;) In, may not know which is which at times. But there's still more life in looking out for chances to do better, next time, than looking at all as a chance to fail.

Or if fail? New ways new style. It's bit of a learning curve here.

 

[Mee]

@Mee,

Fear of wrong, yeah. But also a chance to do right. ;) In, may not know which is which at times. But there's still more life in looking out for chances to do better, next time, than looking at all as a chance to fail.

Or if fail? New ways new style. It's bit of a learning curve here.

I do like you SO much. ?

 

[Recovery4Me]

Creating* a choice...
Where *all* were taken away.

That element, creating choices?
Makes it veeery easy to jump to a myriad of conclusions it ALL was your choice, the inception of *whole* the situation, down to choices for every actor in it.

This concept was so important for me to embrace as to ‘some’ of my situations. My accountability became to accept that I will not remain an perpetual victim in mentality nor try to control others choices or outcomes.

Stopping my illusion of preventing all catastrophe, foul play, reoccurrence of the traumatic situation...was frightening to me. Releasing my inner voice script insertion left a void but gradually some of the past night terrors faded where I had clutched them in tight rein. Sadly, I had imprisoned myself wrestling with false guilt in an feeble attempt to placate my need for control.

Through this board, therapy as well as our endearing members plus staff- I learned to choose the journey of acceptance. Each time I return here, I see so much growth. I find so much wisdom, new tools with deep thoughts. I get renewed in courage from being able to read such a thread from my dear friend. Thank you @Ronin for being you. In this moment (because you might feel pressured lol) you are truly inspirational.??