Cold and distant adult children

[Deleted member 38906]

I don't know, something about not being allowed to place blame doesn't sit right with me. If someone close to you was murdered and you just recently found out who the culprit is, you probably won't like it if people kept telling you to move on and not place blame on the killer bc they didn't know any better. That just sounds like an excuse to me!

Seems like you guys went from defending me to suddenly being on my mothers side. Strange.

 

[scout86]

I'm not taking your mother's side. I'm saying there's a difference between "blame" and "responsibility". As far as moving on goes, that's a process and you'll do it or you won't, at your own speed. You can choose to NOT move on too, but what would be the point of that?

The way I see it (and this might just be me) spending a lot of time blaming people for things leaves me stuck.in the original dynamic. It doesn't matter. I can be as angry as I want and it won't change a thing. The only part of things I can change is my part and my efforts are better spent working on that.

In all honesty, if someone I cared about was murdered by someone who was clearly out of touch with reality, my feelings about it would be a lot different than they would be if they were killed by someone who chose to drink and drive, for example.

None of that means you didn't DESERVE a mother who was capable of loving you and being a good mother. Of course you deserved that and it's unfortunate that you didn't get it. But that ship has sailed and you're not going to change it. All you can do now is figure out how to make the needed repairs in yourself, and get on with your life. By staying stuck in "blame", you're still letting your relationship with your mother drive your life, and it doesn't sound like that much of a relationship.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

All I'm saying is that in a situation where blame shifting is the core issue, it's a bit insensitive to say that you shouldn't blame others for too long. Just becuase there is so much confusion around where the blame belongs, alot of the therapy work is centered around practicing placing blame where it belongs.

 

[Gs172003]

All I'm saying is that in a situation where blame shifting is the core issue, it's a bit insensitive to say...

What is your ultimate goal? What do you want to see happen?

 

[Deleted member 38906]

What is your ultimate goal? What do you want to see happen?

To stop blaming myself.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Moo it takes two people to have a relationship.. Your mum is doing that gaslighting thing.
What she should be saying is your a great daughter and I admire and love you.

But as she isn't don't let her put you down, pick on you, she most probably did that when you were a kid, but as a kid you had no choice but to put up with it. Now you don't.

Im sorry it's not the best relationship with your mum... But she will lose you if she carries on this way.....

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Hi @Moo it takes two people to have a relationship.. Your mum is doing that gaslighting...

Thanks.. I had to google gas lighting. Is it still considered gas lighting if it doesn't happen very often?

 

[Deleted member 38906]

feel like crap again..my mom just sent this to me after last night:

<mod edit to remove private email content - you may paraphrase if you wish>

 

[intothelight]

Seems like you guys went from defending me to suddenly being on my mothers side. Strange.

Moo, no one is taking sides. Your mother put you in a bad spot. You don't owe her anything more than you are comfortable with. What we are trying to stress is even though she was the source of damage you suffered, then put the blame where it belongs, but what you do after that is up to you.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Moo, no one is taking sides. Your mother put you in a bad spot. You don't owe her anything more t...

But I can't even put the blame where it belongs.. I want to but can't. I defend myself but all I really see in myself is pure evil. I can't live with myself. I truly can't.

The letter I shared earlier which got deleted was paraphrased.. It wasn't copy pasted. But after getting that I just feel completely destroyed. I obviously hurt my mother with the way I am. I can't love her and she feels that and she's letting me know it's not right. Anyone would feel like dying if they got a letter like that from their mother.

 

[Gs172003]

But I can't even put the blame where it belongs.. I want to but can't. I defend myself but all I really see...

In my opinion if you didn't love her you wouldn't care how she felt.

 

[scout86]

Anyone would feel like dying if they got a letter like that from their mother.

You won't like this (sorry). It's not true that getting a letter like that would make anyone feel like dying. I've GOTTEN letters like that from my mother. They made me want to AVOID her like the plague. That's about it.

Here's the deal. First, because my relationship with my mother was atypical at best, this is NOT my best subject. But, as I understand it it's true that parents, best case scenario, want the best for their kids. Unfortunately, they don't always know what that IS. And they see things through their own lens too.

That letter was an attempt, by your mother, to manipulate you. She's using guilt, for one thing, to try to get her way. Her whole attitude isn't healthy and it isn't helpful. Best case? She should appreciate you for who you are, respect you for who you are, and want you to grow and learn, and become the best possible version of yourself. She's wrong when she thinks she gets to decide what that is. YOU get to decide that, if you want to do it.

I'm going to take a wild guess and say it won't matter what you do, she'll never be satisfied. And that's because of her issues, not yours. Your job isn't to live your life for her. Your job is to live your life for YOU, the very best you can.