Thanks
@Kubash16 and
@Freida for the responses. Again, makes me feel loads better to hear it from a sufferer perspective.
@Butterfly64 wish you all the best as well
This forum has been a great comfort for me for a while now, due to the sufferers on here that are so helpful with providing insight. I hope we both get whatever it is we wish for! It’s hard to not take stuff personally but it’s definately a lesson that need to be learned.
@Justmehere thanks for your response. A little bit of backstory is that, we’ve both had to work really hard to get to the stage where he was mentally and emotionally ok with getting married. We’re both from cultures that put a lot of emphasis on getting married and as we are both reaching that age due to the cultural norms, it’s getting stressful and it needs to happen. While I don’t agree with this AT ALL, we have been together for nearly 9 years now, we both want to settle down and have kids (this is something he’s spoken about many times)
However, I believe the stress in regards to this comes from a variety of things. Firstly, he’s grown up in family dynamics that have been very toxic (a lot of his trauma comes from this). He hasn’t seen his parents be loving to one another. He often states that they don’t love eachother and never have. His relationship with his dad is really bad, he’s never had true acceptance from his dad who have constantly and consistently called him a failure, and many other derogatory names. He has often said in regards to his dad and his older brother that they just don’t love him. His sisters were married and in really bad relationships so they got divorced. His friends are married but they’re not happy in their marriages or divorced.
Due to all that, he’s developed this fairytale fantasy on love and how it’s supposed to be. He truly believes that two people who are meant for eachother should be head over hills for eachother at all times and at all stages of life. He doesn’t believe relationships or marriage require work, he thinks if you are meant for eachother then it’ll flow naturally whatever happens. We’ve many times have the conversation about ‘choosing to love’ where I have said that love is a choice. Loving someone through good and bad times is a choice, you chose to stay. He disagrees, he thinks the feeling of love should always be how it was in the beginning of the relationship and if you’re right for eachother it’ll stay that way hence it will be easy to work through any issues.
All his past relationships prior to me have been very toxic, he’s always been attracted to women who’ve treated him really badly. His friends have commented on how he seeks to people that give him validation especially women, but he’s denied this. However this is quite true cause he is always in need of a challenge.
He’s the type of person who always wants to be distracted, challenged, busy, he always wants to do something or meet someone that makes his adrenaline rush. If he isn’t doing that, he will complain that he’s bored and that he feels awful and will start feeling depressed.
Due to all this, our wedding has stressed him out, his fears of it breaking up and him not being happy like he’s seen with other people’s marriages, along with the fact that we are 9 years down the line and don’t have the newness in our relationship left, he doesn’t have that ‘feeling’ and it bothers him. But what we do have is a beautiful solid loving relationship full of trust, a great friendship, a real bond and knowing that ‘you’re my person, you’ve got my back!!’
Our friends always say that we suit eachother really well cause our dynamic is great.
He just can’t see it right now. His PTSD is through the roof at the moment and he’s happier not thinking about me, the wedding and everything else that is stressful. He says he wants space and alone time.
Right I hope all this makes a little bit more sense now?
Love to you all!
